TBradyOwnsYou

Bill Belichick, evil genius or just Evil...?

We all know the story of Genesis in the bible. God created the world, life and man. The world was perfect and Satan couldn't stand for it so He entered the garden of Eden as a serpent to corrupt man. The battle waged between Good and Evil year upon year until a couple thousand years ago God sent His son to Earth to save mankind once and for all from Evil and Satan's influence. However, recently discovered in the Jersey Turnpike Scrolls it has come to light that God was not the only one who sent His son to Earth. Satan too sent His son to live amongst the mortals in secret and begin the most devious and long lasting plots ever discovered in the history of the world.

We don't know much about his life, but we do know his name was Belch and he was pure evil. Because his plot was not to hatch for over two thousand years, he and his lineage built power in secret century after century behind the scenes rarely causing a stir amongst the mortal world. Every now and then a decedent of Belch would create just enough trouble to throw off God from the one true plan. Whether it be Genghis Khan or Adolf Hitler, they never truly wanted to win, only to distract God from the true plan being carried out by the Heir. The Heir, of course, is the first born son in the direct lineage from the line of Belch. He had ultimate control and was the puppet master of all others. He placed his family in positions of power in the church, the Illuminati, and all governments around the world just waiting for the time to be right to finally strike back at God and win the final battle.

Because he never drew attention to himself and remained in the shadows, the identity of the Heir has never been known after Belch... until now. I, in a concerted effort with the Denver Post and various New York media members have finally uncovered not only who the Heir is, but significant facts about his plot currently underway!

BILL BELICHICK is the Heir!
He has been working for decades now to bring forth his father from Hell to wreak destruction upon humanity and it may be too late to stop him!

We don't have all the details but we speculate that as early as the 80's Belichick was working with his cousin Osama Bin Laden to create increased turmoil in the middle east and to start planning a massive attack upon America in the decades to come as Bill himself moved up the ranks of the NFL elite until he was finally in place as the Coach and defacto General Manager of the New England Patriots.

With virtually unchecked power Bill Belichick drafted an unsuspecting California boy from Michigan to become his right hand man. The slow, skinny, weak armed boy, was quick to sign away his soul for the promises of his new master. Promises of fame, fortune, beautiful women, and most importantly, a seat at his father's table when he came to Earth, were too much for this young man to turn down, determined to prove everyone wrong.

All was not in place however. In 2001 Bill hired a young, power hungry Josh McDaniels with his eyes on the future. He would on all accounts appear no more than a pawn upon the vast chessboard that Belichick had arrayed around the world, yet as we've learned time and time again, appearances can be deceiving.

Late in 2001 the time was ripe. Al Qaeda attacked America and caused the entire society to be turned upside down. While everyone was looking one way, another sleeper agent of Belichick's was waiting to strike. Mo Lewis didn't have long to wait. The time had come for Belichick to claim supremacy on earth once and for all.

As we know how the story goes, Belichick went on to win the Super Bowl that year. What he didn't count on though was the surprise by the country. They were curious how this 6th round pick could upset the Greatest Show on Turf. Not wanting to upset the plan, he cleverly avoided the playoffs the next year while he simultaneously pushed America towards another war, this one in Iraq.

With his Iraq plans well underway he was safe to once again begin winning Super Bowls at will. He and Brady were an astounding 9-0 in the postseason and people once again became suspicious. Rumors begin to circulate amongst certain circles on how exactly a man such as Belichick could be unbeatable. In April of 2005 a blog posted an article wondering if Belichick had a deal with the devil. The website was mysteriously taken offline 1 hour after it was posted and the writer of the article was never heard from again, though it is rumored that he is still alive in a secret CIA prison overseas.

It was enough however to finally get God's attention. God was not sleeping this entire time. He was aware of Satan's plans for the past two thousand years and in preparation had sent forth an emissary to be His voice and His shining light to face the darkness that was coming. In the beginning of 2006 however His Chosen One was not ready so God had to exert His own powers. He used the Denver Broncos to be His hand and finally eliminated the New England Patriots from the postseason for the first time.

Belichick was unaware at the time of God's interference and continued on, business as usual until the next year when God once again used His powers to prevent the Patriots from going on to the Super Bowl, by using the Patriot's usual slapping bag, the Indianapolis Colts. This was too obvious for Belichick to miss and this time he became furious. He decided it was time to finally bring his plan to culmination. He gathered the required pawns and prepared to take the world by storm.

He knew what he was about to do would create too much speculation in to his secret identity, so he used his power to influence the media and created what we now know as 'Spygate'. This gave him the perfect cover while he steamrolled the rest of the league like the world had never seen before. Once again however, God was one step ahead. He had forced Belichick to play his hand too soon. His power wasn't enough yet to overcome God's direct influence in a game and once again, God handed Belichick his most humiliating loss yet in the Super Bowl.

While it may have averted disaster at the time, it caused Belichick to step back and gather his emotions and remember his ultimate plan. The next year he had Brady take an injury right away so he could continue to bide his time. Belichick and God both knew that the ultimate showdown was coming, and neither wanted be tricked in to showing their hand early again.

So Belichick waited, slowly gathering power around him and giving forth an appearance of being beaten. His disciple McDaniels left him to go to the Denver Broncos. God viewed this as a coup for Good and symbolic that it was for the team in which he first used to defeat the power of Belichick in the postseason. Little did he know it was all part of Belichick's plan.

Belichick continued to play possum in 2009 season even going so far as to losing to Denver and McDaniels to further put God off of the trail. At this time God became overconfident and concentrated all of His power in to His Chosen One seeing victory in hand.

In 2010 McDaniels drafted The Chosen One and Belichick drafted a couple of no name tight ends. God was so overjoyed in Himself that it took Him weeks to realize that McDaniels wasn't using The Chosen One and was actually tanking the season! He was a sleeper agent the whole time! God quickly moved in and fired McDaniels and forced The Chosen One to be used. He also realized that Belichick had somehow used his power to turn his tight ends in to full fledged demons and it was too late to stop them. He backed the Jets in to playoffs once again and this time planned to use them to humiliate Belichick once and for all in the playoffs. However, Belichick was influencing God's vision and distracting him from the big picture. The time was not yet right and Belichick once again appeared defeated.

The next year, God enjoying his latest victory over the Heir, He decided to split his focus between destroying McDaniels and the hapless Rams and bringing forth the full potential of The Chosen One... exactly as Belichick had expected.

The time had finally come and Belichick set the final wheels in motion. By the time God realized it, it was far too late. The Patriots were once again the #1 seed awaiting the victor of the Steelers and the Broncos. God, confident in his powers, unleashed The Chosen One in dramatic fashion in an attempt to show the world that he would be victorious.

Not fifteen minutes later Belichick showed his trump card. He re-hired McDaniels, the Glorious Drafter of The Chosen One. His unique position was the one thing that God Himself couldn't overcome, thereby giving Belichick the ability to bring his revenge upon God against his very own Chosen One on his way to opening the final seal of the apocalypse and bringing his father unto this Earth to reap the souls of all.

The End is upon us all! Repent now!
Also, subscribe to my twitter: @ILoveFeet69

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captain stone

Now that's a damn sight better than the usual garbage from the NY Crimes' Op-Ed page.

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Question Authority.

PatsWickedPissah

Wait! Nut thought this was a real article?!?

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Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty.
This is known as "bad luck." RAH

TBradyOwnsYou

Well, I only had a rough draft here at work, so it's not 100% as it was yesterday, but for the most part it's the same. The only thing different is that I fleshed out the first couple paragraphs a bit more.

I have to assume that he looked, saw there were paragraphs and (mostly) correct grammar on an internet forum and came to the natural conclusion that it was as advertised, a newspaper article.

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PatsWickedPissah

The title alone is enough to fool a mod busy with life and volunteering time here.
My hat is off to all the mods here.

i was just busting nuts, so to speak.

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Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty.
This is known as "bad luck." RAH

PatsFanSince74

It's phraseology is not pompous enough for something the Paper of Record would accept for its Op Ed page but, to their credit, they do have a 700--750 word limit. Nice try, tho.

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TBradyOwnsYou

Well, it was written by an anonymous gentleman whose twitter handle is "ILoveFeet69", so I didn't want it to sound like something he wouldn't be capable of.

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Tunescribe

He must've been drunk is all I can figure.

Personally, I'm tired of BB being cast (playfully or seriously) as the "evil one." Too many morons out there believe he is. TBOY: you wrote this at work?! What do you do that gives you so much idle time? Are they taking applications?

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PATSNUTme

Should this thread be deleted?

BTW PWP, it was suppose to be from the NY Times, so in context it was real.

TBradyOwnsYou

I may or may not be busier today because of my slacking yesterday...
I was just so sick of hearing the motards of the media sit and bash on BB and the Pats for 100% working within the rules of the system. I figured I could go one of three different ways.

1.) Grab a gun and go shoot something.
2.) Write a mile long rant about how stupid the media is and defending BB.
or
3.) Write a fake article making a mockery of how stupid the media is.

Given the constant negativity; in the media, on the forums, at my house when I don't fold laundry correctly, I figured I'd try to do something a bit more light hearted and maybe get a laugh or two.
Judging from the response, I will re-evaluate my decision making process in the future. :P

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