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How to stop the Pats running up the score: let's help the rest of the NFL
As the rest of the NFL is incapable of stopping the "disrespecting", "Cheatriots" and their coach "Bill Belicheat", I thought we should help them.
Here are some ideas I came up with from the obscure depths of my Football knowledge:
1) Tackling. Yes, I understand that the Pats are bloody good to watch, really I do. I also appreciate that they are wearing pads and running around quickly. However, forget all of that. Tackle them. Get your body in the way of a player (in this case the one with the ball. It's a oval shaped brown thingy, not to be confused with hot and steaming brown stuff). Put your arms out, dive towards him. Wrap arms around him and bring him down with your momentum.
-Dive where he was. This won't stop him (complicated stuff to do with space-time continuum)
-Try to "tag" him.
-"or kiss him" (from Miss Gomezcat).
2) Disengage blocks. The fat guys in front of you are called Offensive Linemen. This is nothing to do with their smell, the language they use or the way they grab people's thingies. Their job is to stop you getting to the ball carrier. It is, within the rules of Football, perfectly legal to throw them aside and get to the ball carrier. By doing so, you can stop the "disrespecting" "Cheatriots" from running up the score.
3) Put pressure on the Quarterback. Behind the fat blokes, there's a lad with funny paint on his cheek bones. He has a number 12 on his Jersey. He is "Disser-in-Chief" Tom Brady. If it helps, think of him as having Irish Catholic ancestry and yourself as a Prod Bastard in an Orange Sash who hates Catholics (you can see how neutral I am in matters Irish). Hate this man with every fibre of your being. Go after him- REALLY after him. The fat blokes will try to stop you. Push past them, or if fast enough, run straight past them. Get to Quarterback while he has brown oval, non-smelly, thing. Use previously described tackling technique to sack him. Celebrate and point out that you "opened a can of whoop all over his sorry arse". Repeat- lots.
4) Score points of your own. The fat and less fat people on Defense will try to stop you, using such sneaky methods as coverage, blitzing, intimidation and so on. Turn your back on their childish attempts to put you off. Again, it is WITHIN THE RULES to keep the brown oval thing for ages and then cross their line with it. Do this by throwing it forward to a guy in the same coloured (sorry, colored) Jersey or running with it- forwards is good.
DO NOT throw the ball to one of the "disrespecting" "Cheatriots". They will laugh manically and run up the score with it.
5) Employ Snoopy. In the song "Snoopy versus the Red Baron", the "bloody Red Baron was rolling up the score". Snoopy shot him down.
The blog of our recent trip to The States (September and October 2012):
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Re: How to stop the Pats running up the score: let's help the rest of the NFL
Out Freakin' Standing, Meowser-Man!
Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty.
This is known as "bad luck." RAH