This was the original text of the mesage, before the NFL PR
department got to see it.
To NFL Fans:
Now that another remarkable NFL season has concluded, let me express my gratitude on behalf of all 32 NFL teams for your incredibly blind support. Record numbers of you watched at home while the Refs screwed up, made your way to the stadium and paid $8.00 for watered down beer, and sent critical emails accusing me of everything from being the devil to trying to turn the National Football League into the Non-violent Football League, during the 2011 season. Your love of traditional football is what makes corrupting the NFL especially difficult.
We are proud of the wussification we have introduced throughout the game today. From the unreasonable individual fines and teams skillfully dismissing the fines as appropriate, the level of distain for the fans on display in every game was extraordinary on many levels.
It finished up with some of the most exciting playoff games of recent years because we enforced a different set of playing rules during the playoffs than we did during the regular season, leading to a safety call that was never before made and should not have been made then. However, our drama-filled Super Bowl between the Giants and Patriots that was the most-watched show in the history of television. putting millions of dollars into the coffers of the NFL and NFLPA. What a tribute to our players, coaches, owners and accountants!
As good as it’s been, I believe the NFL’s best days are ahead. Our responsibility in leading the league is to protect and enhance the bond between our game and the passionate fans who sustain it. To do that we have decided to eliminate all physical contact that is initiated by the defensive players on the field. We know what is best for the sport and do not care what you believe. Football used to be a violent sport, our goal is to eliminate that violence and replace it with finesse.
Our commitment to improve everything we do is fictional. We are not done ruining the sport yet. Eliminating contact from the game on the field, forwarding the idea that we really care about the fan experience at home -- and everything in between -- there are ways we can take even more of your money. You owe it to us, the owners, to believe. Our game has always evolved and we will force the latest evolution down your throats. I encourage you to visit our new web site – NFL.com/evolution – to explore how the game has been corrupted over the past century ($5.00 membership fee/month). There are more wussy changes to come.
Our mission is captured very simply in these six words:
Forever forward. Forever football. Forever Rich. Thank you once again for your blind acceptance of the unnaceptable changes we have made to the game we all love. In any other sport, the fans would rebel, but in the NFL our fans blindly accept. How do I now that? I just got a big new contract, a pat on the back and the ability to further eliminate contact football from the game of football.