In the Starting Line-up
Join Date: Apr 2006
Here is how I'd like to see the Jets go out this year...
For some reason, the idea of getting kicked in the balls while not funny, starts getting pretty damn funny the more it happens. So, carrying over my low-brow literary masterpiece about the Bills, here are my predictions for the Jets over the next year or so.
December- Mark Sanchez throws 2 TDs and 3 INTs to "will" the Jets into the playoffs, squeaking by Buffalo in the last minute. NY Post proclaims Sanchez the greatest Jets quarterback since Kellen Clemens and announces a coronation parade after the presumed Super Bowl win.
January- Before the Chiefs-Jets showdown at Arrowhead, Charlie Weis pretends to faint; when the training staff carries him off on a stretcher, Todd Haley jogs over to see the damage. With little time to react to Charlie's malicious smile, Haley grabs his groin, but it's too late. Weis kicks Haley in the balls six times, leaving the one-hit wonder on the field, ala Mike Tyson, where he remains for the rest of the game. The Jets use this boost to overcome a 2-0 deficit and win 3-2 in the final seconds.
Divisional Round- The Jets talk all week about their "revenge" game, conveniently declaring "Soon to be champs" as David and "one game at a time" to be Goliath. On the first play from scrimmage, Tomlinson fumbles and is promptly kicked in the balls by Wilfork; LT removes his helmet, only to be punched in the face by the referee. He puts on his SuperSulkSuit, replete with visor, and huddles on the cold bench. Tom Brady kicks the entire Jets defense in the balls by slicing them up for 375 yards passing and 4 TDs. In front of two referees, Rob Gronkowski removes the yappy Bart Scott's helmet, takes two "punter steps" and kicks Scott in the balls, three times, then delivers an over-the-top haymaker. The horrified ref throws a flag a Scott's balls, which explodes on impact due to a defective model.
Later in the game, Vince Wilfork throws Mangold to the ground and is bearing down on the Mark. Sanchez pleads and begs, but Wilfork just gains momentum. Like a placekicker with an iron foot, he kicks Sanchez in the balls so hard that Sanchez lands 25 yards down the field. A small gerbil scurries away from the spot. The 5'9" QB returns to the game to throw six interceptions. Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes both want the same ball and collide helmets in the air, each ending their professional careers while being fined $50K each.
Forgot to mention, Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie were kicked in the balls by Wes Welker and Deion Branch, respectively.
After the game, a stunned Rex Ryan runs over the punch Belichick in the mouth, but in a strange Matrix-like airwalk, Belichick runs through the air, lands behind the whale, and promptly kicks Ryan in the balls. Ryan's wife sues Belichick, claiming he has copied her intellectual rights to kick her husband's balls forcefully.
The Patriots win 43-5, prompting a huge moral victory from the NY Press, who proclaim the Jets the team to beat in 2011.
In the locker room, Mike Tennenbaum kicks Rex Ryan in the balls. Ryan kicks Brian Schottenheimer in the balls. Scottenheimer kicks Mike Westoff in the balls. Westoff kicks Sal Alosi in the balls. Alosi bends his knee forward to hit someone in the balls, but he is banned for life and the Jets forfeit their 2012 draft.
Philip Rivers is airlifted into Foxboro, where he lands in a full dress suit, combs his hair, promptly puts on an iron cleat, and kicks LT in the balls. Erin Andrews interviews Mark Sanchez after the game, and after getting the microphone back, slaps him in the face and knees him in the balls.
It's revealed after the game that Danny Woodehad kicked Vernon Gholston in the balls to prevent a sack, which would have been Gholston's first.
Chris Collinsworth came down to the field afterwards and spit on LT visor; when LT stood up to wipe it off, Shawn Greene kicked LT in the balls.
Woody Johnson hires a team of ninjas to kick the whole team in the balls and enjoys it. He returns to his car only to find Michelle Ryan waiting for him, where she promptly kicks him in the balls sixteen times in kung-fu style.
The Jets are mercilessly booed when they trade their entire draft and trade for Shaun Alexander, Terrell Suggs, and Carson Palmer (who will compete with Sanchez for who will tank the franchise.) After publicly announcing the trade, Goodell hand-gestures to Greg Aiello, who puts Mike Tenenbaum in a headlock while Bill Belichick kicks him in the balls multiple times, followed by Joe Namath, and Goodell himself.
The Patriots pick up five high-caliber players and still have 8 picks in the first two rounds next year.
Play Like A Jet!