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Mock mock 1.0
First ever attempt at a mock draft. Please be gentle.
1 – Oakland Raiders – There are so many problems on offence for this team, it’s difficult to know exactly where to start. A smart man might be tempted to plump for Joe Thomas, whose presence at left tackle would go some way to helping keep FA signing RB Dominic Rhodes and whichever poor soul ends up playing QB upright and healthy through week three. But there’s no smart man available to take decisions in Oakland, just Crazy Al, and he’s going to want either JaMarcus Russell or Calvin Johnson. Both are incredible prospects, and much will depend on the Raiders ability to find another team to take professional malcontent Randy Moss of their hands. If Moss goes, and I think he will, then Crazy Al has a ready-made issues-free replacement in the Georgia Tech receiver. He can worry about QB later.
Pick: Calvin Johnson WR
2 – TRADE Arizona Cardinals from Detroit Lions– Matt Millen had his obsessive, compulsive finger over the button marked Calvin Johnson but is saved from himself by Crazy Al. With Johnson gone, Millen, with the huge needs this team has, figures he can load up with more picks by trading down to pick five with the Cardinals, who want Joe Thomas badly enough to give up a second and late rounder to get him.
Pick: Joe Thomas OT
3 – Cleveland Browns – Does anyone really believe that Charlie Frye is really the man to lead the Browns back from the depths of despair? Anyone, other than Mrs Frye? Romeo Crennel doesn’t, and is delighted to find JaMarcus Russell falling into his lap in a pick that he had been strongly considering using on Sooners RB Adrian Peterson.
Pick: JaMarcus Russell QB
4 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Through tear-filled eyes Chucky Gruden watched Calvin Johnson run his 4.32s all the way to the Bay area leaving a huge void in Chucky’s heart and on his draft board. Poor old Chucky. All those QBs and nobody for them to throw the ball to. He fills the void with a much-needed infusion of youthful zest and massive potential on the defensive line where a replacement is still needed for Booger MacFarland.
Pick: Amobi Okoye DT
5 – TRADE Miami Dolphins from Detroit Lions (from Arizona) – Millen’s on a roll, and now he’s started trading he can’t stop himself. It’s just like drafting receivers! Pick-heavy Miami uses one of its two second rounders to jump ahead of Minnesota and Houston in the Brady Quinn Derby, because new coach Cam Cameron needs a QB without a gimpy knee, and who is not named after a citrus fruit.
Pick: Brady Quinn QB
6 – Washington Redskins – “On the clock, the Washington Redskins!” “Hey Joe, wake up, it’s out turn. Yes our turn to pick. What do you mean you’ve forgotten how? No I don’t know either, I’ve only been here three year, of course I don’t know what we do. No, I think it’s too late to trade it to Oakland for Jerry Porter and Andrew Walter, Crazy Al’s gone off to get his meds. Look we’re just going to have to be brave and take the pick. Well, how about we shore up the league’s worst run defence? How about that big guy? The one from Michigan? Deion something? Plays nose tackle. You know the guy, we interviewed him in Indianapolis. Yes, you liked his sneakers. Phew. OK, that’s done. You can go back to sleep now, we don’t have to go through that ordeal again until 2011.”
Pick: Alan Branch DT
7 – Minnesota Vikings – Another hysterical head coach, cussing because he’s missed his main chance. You should have traded up Brad, oh yes you should. That could have been you picking up Brady Quinn, and it should have been because there’s no guarantee that Tavaris Jackson is an upgrade over Brad Johnson. It may not matter too much, because your leading WR can’t see clearly enough to catch the ball. But at least he has an excuse, unlike Koren Robinson. There are receivers out there to fill your gap, but none worth reaching for. You could have used the pick to take the draft’s best tight end, but you sprayed money around like PacMan Jones on Visanthe Shiancoe. You’re lucky you’ve still got a job. You’re in a bit of a mess, Brad, so do the right thing and take the best defensive player still available.
Pick: Gaines Adams DE
8 – Atlanta Falcons – Jim Mora might have made a total ass of himself on his way out of town, but he’s probably pleased he’s not him on the clock right now, because if Atlanta had the next three picks as well as this one it would still have more holes than a Swiss cheese. But the Matt Schaub trade does at least mean that when Mike Vick starts getting uppity and leading the Falcons rapidbly downhill, there won’t be a QB controversy. Hey Mike, pass the water bottle for me, would ya?
Pick: LaRon Landry S
9 – Detroit Lions from Miami Dolphins via Arizona – Here’s Matt! And this time he’s picking. Naturally he’s interested in Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett, but members of the Lions coaching and scouting staff shackle him to his chair out of reach of the Batphone, and Millen can only watch on in horror as his team fill the Lions’ biggest need with the selection of the best CB in the draft.
Pick: Leon Hall CB
10 – Houston Texans – The NFL introduces a rule that dictates that teams that don’t use draft picks sensibly one year should be punished the following year. So Gary Kubiak has to go up on stage wearing a dunces cap, and write “We should have drafted Reggie Bush last year” 200 times on a white board in the Texans’ allotted 15 minutes or he and the Texans drop to pick number 32 and everyone else moves up one. Kubiak squeaks in in 14 minutes and 45 seconds and Matt Schaub breathes a huge sigh of relief as the Texans do for him what they never did for David Carr.
Pick: Levi Brown OT
11 – San Francisco – You have to pity the poor bugger who arrives in town as the saviour of the once-proud 49ers receiving corps – whatever he does it won’t be enough for fans to compare him favourably with Jerry Rice. Whether Ted Ginn Jr can cope with that burden only time will tell.
Pick: Ted Ginn Jr WR
12 – Buffalo – The octogenarians take the stand. The Bills senior management took their meds and have slept through most of the off-season so far, waking only long enough to over-pay for Derrick Dockery. But on this occasion fortune favours the dozy, as the lucky, lucky Bills cannot believe that the draft’s stud running back falls into their soup-stained laps.
Pick: Adrian Peterson RB
13 – St Louis Rams – That burning breeze you can feel going past you is yet another back torching the Rams run defence. With Frank Gore, Shaun Alexander and Edgerrin James on the schedule twice each next year, the Rams had better reload on their line or they may as well start the season 0-6. With most of the stars on the line gone, the Rams break a lot of hearts in New England.
Pick: Patrick Willis LB
14 – Caroline Panthers – Carolina’s offence was so anemic in 2006 it’s a wonder it didn’t faint. But in a terrible year to be a QB called Jake, Delhomme managed to sneak just enough wins through to put the Panthers into a position where they can’t upgrade him just yet. With limited options available elsewhere the Panthers give Delhomme take away one more excuse for failure
Pick: Greg Olsen TE
15 – Pittsburgh Steelers – The biggest post-season transaction in the ‘Burgh to this point has been new head coach Mike Tomlin trading Ben Roethlisberger’s Harley in for a seventh round pick and a 1.8L Volvo station wagon with side impact bars to the Minnesota Vikings. This came after talks aimed at securing a brain transplant broke down when medical tests showed that Roethlisberger had nothing to trade. A mere 15 months after winning the Superbowl the Steelers look like they are about to enter a rebuilding phase, and the D looks like it needs more help than the O right now.
Pick: Adam Carriker DE
16 – Green Bay Packers – Lord Favre looked down from his heavenly kingdom to survey his earthly creation and saw that it was not good. Not good at all. Crap, in fact. Lord Favre summoned his minion, serf McCarthy and on the first day he said: “I need speed on the outside”. And so the serf went forth and tried to trade for Lord Randy of Turd, as written (badly) in the book of Felger, chapter two, verse three. But he failed and the wrath of Lord Favre was great and awesome to behold. And so he summoned his minion, serf McCarthy again, and he said: “I need speed from the backfield”. And with steel in his eyes, he dared the minion not to fail him a second time.
Pick: Marhsawn Lynch RB
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Last edited by ironwasp; 03-22-2007 at 11:27 AM..
Reason: Dumbass author forgot a couple of first round locks.
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Location: Finnair flight AY 839 from Helsinki to London
Mock mock 1.0 picks 17 -32
17 – Jacksonville Jaguars – The two-billion litre man is all set to draft Adam Sandler for the Jaguars until a savvy member of the back room staff points out that the Water Boy was fictional. But with 2,783 sprinklers hard at work on his Florida estate, Jack Del Rio knows a hole when he see one, and with Sandler off the board moves to plug the biggest one he has.
Pick: Reggie Nelson FS
18 – Cincinnati Bengals – Marv Lewis begins the off-season announcing that the Bengals need greater leadership in the locker room. Many take this as a signal that he is about to make a play for Titans CB PacMan Jones and Browns LB Ray Lewis, but it later becomes apparent that Lewis is looking for game keepers rather than more poachers, and picks a high character player who is going to stick out like a sore thumb in the moral sewer known as the Bengals locker room.
Pick: Paul Posluszny LB
19 – Tennessee Titans – Kind of tough to plan for the season when you don’t know whether one of your star defensive starters will be spending the season: a) in prison b) suspended c) in a Vegas strip joint. Kind of makes you wish you’d set eyes on the little prick in the first place, doesn’t it? Still, you’ve got character on the other side of the ball, you just need to find the poor guy someone to throw to.
Pick: Robert Meachem
20 – New York Giants – NYPD last night launched a major investigation into the disappearance of the entire Giants front office, coaching and scouting staff after a caretaker reported that not a single member of the organisation had been heard from since the end of the 2006 football season. In the absence of football-related staff the afore-mentioned caretaker has been charged with preparing the franchise for the 2007 draft. Vegas book makers are offering evens that he does a better job than Jerry Reese and Tom Coughlin.
Pick: Darrelle Revis CB
21 – Denver Broncos – You know what? I really don’t like the Broncos. Not at all. Hate ‘em in fact, and I refuse to expend energy trying to be funny about them. I could care less who they pick, as long as he winds up being as useful as Courtney Brown.
Pick: Jamaal Anderson DE
22 – Dallas Cowboys – The price the Cowboys paid for no-better-than-average tackle Leonard Davis, you’d hope the guy might be able to shore up the piss-poor coverage in the secondary, sweep the floors in the Texas Stadium and act as nursemaid to madder-than-a-meataxe receiver Terrell Owens. But no, it turns the guy is just a blocker. And not that good a one anyway, so Jerry Jones tells Wade Phillips to go get him some help in the backfield.
Pick: Chris Houston CB
23 – Kansas City Chiefs – Larry Johnson’s only 27 years old but he might be closer to retirement than anyone thinks, because Herm Edwards and the Kansas City Chiefs appear intent on flogging the poor bastard into an early grave. Johnson carried the football 68 times more than any other running back in 2006 with 416 carries. 68!! He’ll be lucky to live to 30, never mind play football. Even Herm can work out that the Chiefs need a passing threat.
Pick Dwayne Bowe WR
24 – New England Patriots (from Seattle) – The only thing more dangerous than trying to second guess a genius is trying to second guess two of them twice in an hour. I might as well just write out the names of the next 40 top-rated prospects, show them to a budgerigar and stop when he chirps at one of the names on the list. If I had any idea what Belichick and Pioli were going to do here I’d be the General Manager of the New York Jets.
Pick: Michael Griffin S
25 – New York Jets – Oh, wait, now I am the General Manager of the New York Jets. What’s that you say? I’ve been sent down from Boston to destroy the franchise from within? That’s great, I can do that. (Cackles in a sinister fashion) But I can’t make it too obvious yet.
Pick: Aaron Ross CB
26 – Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles discovered the hard way in 2006 that picking talent so that you can have someone on the team with the initials BB is no way to run a draft. Donte Stallworth is long gone to Patriots (I only put that ‘cos it sounds so good) but that hole’s been filled by Kevin Curtis, so the Eagles go for a linebacker.
Pick: Lawrence Timmons LB
27 – New Orleans Saints – Most in the Saints organisation are sitting in the war room stemming nosebleeds such are the dizzying heights this team has climbed and the speed at which it got there. Hurricanes, mercifully, are a receding nightmare for many in the Big Easy, except the tourists on Bourbon Street and the Saints secondary which gets torn up every Sunday.
Pick: Marcus McCauley CB
28 – New England Patriots – Tom Brady. The man who has everything: Gisele, three rings, humility, a deep threat, an apartment in NY and the eternal love of Patriot Nation. Everything in fact, apart from a line that can keep him upright in the company of Jason Taylor. The Pats pull out shock number 72 of 2007.
Pick: Joe Staley OT
29 – Baltimore Ravens – With Adalius Thomas long gone to the Patriots. You didn’t hear that? OK, let me repeat it. With all-star linebacker Adalius Thomas now pummelling QBs in the AFC East, blah blah, blah blah blah blah. That’s all you need to hear before slipping into a glorious daydream in which number 96 drills Pennington so deep into the Meadowland turf the Jets have to hire a team of Siberian mine workers to pull him out.
Pick: Jon Beason LB
30 – San Diego Chargers – That faint sound you can hear in the background? That small, soft sobbing sound. That’s the Chargers. Still crying like babies over missing their best ever opportunity to nail down a Lombardi. And what is a 14-2 record worth to you now? Nothing but the last but two pick in the first round. Oh dear, all the better receivers have gone. But you can still reach and pick up someone.
Pick: Dwayne Jarrett WR
31 – Chicago Bears – You’ve heard about the summer of love. Well, in Chicago it’s the winter of their discontent. First the organisation looks cheap trying to stiff a head coach who took the team to its first Superbowl in 21 years and then they manage to get themselves into an unholy mess with their second best player on defence. All that and there’s still no sign up there that anyone in a position authority has realised what the rest of the football world already knows: that Rex Harrison has as much chance of becoming a tier one QB as Rex Grossman. And he’s been dead for 17 years.
Pick: Justin Blalock OG
32 – Indianapolis Colts – Despite using every trick in his extensive book, Bill Napolian fails in a dramatic attempt to force through a change to the draft rules at the owners meeting whereby the team winning the Superbowl gets the first rather than the last pick of the draft. “It’s just not fair. I want to do what I want, when I want, every time I want,” he whined, before grabbing a Jets official by the throat and shoving him into a nearby trash can.
Pick: David Harris LB
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