{"id":53408,"date":"2024-05-07T00:24:26","date_gmt":"2024-05-07T04:24:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patsfans.com\/patriots\/blog\/?p=53408"},"modified":"2026-05-24T16:20:20","modified_gmt":"2026-05-24T20:20:20","slug":"what-did-tom-brady-say-during-his-netflix-roast-heres-the-full-transcript","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patsfans.com\/patriots\/blog\/2024\/05\/07\/what-did-tom-brady-say-during-his-netflix-roast-heres-the-full-transcript\/","title":{"rendered":"The Roast of Tom Brady: Full Transcript & Best Jokes"},"content":{"rendered":"

Beyond the shock value and rapid-fire insults, the Roast of Tom Brady allowed fans to see a different side of the fiercely private athlete, one willing to embrace self-deprecation and confront public narratives head-on. This unprecedented event solidified his post-NFL status as more than just a football icon but a cultural figure unafraid to step into the comedic spotlight and deliver his own savage jokes.<\/p>\n

Here’s what New England Patriots<\/strong><\/a> quarterback Tom Brady had to say during his roast on Netflix Sunday night:<\/em><\/p>\n

Tom Brady Roast: Brady Doesn’t Hold Back<\/h3>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve had a lot of tequila.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been up here for two hours listening to a bunch of s****y jokes.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Where the f**k did Peyton just walk off the stage?”<\/p>\n

\u201cPeyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this.\u00a0 I know sometimes you live in Denver, and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you\u2019ll always live in my shadow.\u201d<\/p>\n

“When I heard there was a slow white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend.”<\/p>\n

\u201cPeyton and I, we go way back.\u00a0 When we started playing, Brett Favre was still faxing his d**k picks, and Antonio Cromartie only had one kid.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Well, folks, here we are once again.\u00a0 A packed arena, five minutes on the clock, everything on the line.\u00a0 We need a hero, someone to come from behind and pull this clusterf**k out of the toilet.\u00a0 What the f**k did you guys do here tonight.\u00a0 Looks like it’s time for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. to step up and\u00a0 lead us to glory because you and I know, and everyone in this dump knows, he can do it.”<\/p>\n

\u201cThe word hero comes to mind.\u00a0 But I struggle with that word.\u00a0 Because, like the rest of America, I\u2019ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001 when, tragically, those two jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\"****<\/p>\n

(PHOTO: Greg M. Cooper – USA TODAY Sports)<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cJeff Ross, I want to thank you for talking me into doing this.\u00a0 Another thing that I\u2019m great at.\u00a0 Who knew?\u00a0 Oh yeah, I did.\u00a0 Because I\u2019m about to replace you as the greatest roaster of all time.\u00a0 So hit the bench, Jeff.\u00a0 Tonight, you\u2019re Jew Bledsoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

“People ask, Tom, why would you do this roast now?\u00a0 It’s simple.\u00a0 I can take all the hits.\u00a0 I would have done this earlier, but I’ve just been too busy winning championships.\u00a0 Which explains why Peyton did this roast eight years ago.”<\/p>\n

“So let’s f*****n go.”<\/p>\n

“I’ve heard some people talk about me having bad knees.\u00a0 You know why my knees are so f****d up Kevin?\u00a0 because I’ve spent so many Goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get Chappelle to host this.\u00a0 Yeah, f**k you Kevin.\u00a0 Sit your ass down.”<\/p>\n

“Let’s go!”<\/p>\n

\u201cProfessor Gronkowksi.\u00a0 My boy.\u00a0 Thank you for being here.\u00a0 Despite everything we\u2019ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field.\u00a0 Although, the bar for Patriots tight ends was actually pretty low back then.\u00a0 Block, catch, don\u2019t murder.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Thanks to me, Gronk was so beloved, there’s a baby rhino in the Tampa zoo named after him and Gronk, I’m here to say, you are not the father.\u00a0 You can stop sending those checks.”<\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(PHOTO: Matthew Emmons – USA TODAY Sports)<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cWhen you\u2019re Tom Brady, you\u2019re not only feared, you\u2019re envied.\u00a0 People want to be you, right Julian?\u00a0 Bro, you can live in my guest house, swim in my pool, try on my f******g jock or any other sick s**t you do when I\u2019m not around.\u00a0 You\u2019re a f****n stalker, bro.\u00a0 You\u2019ll never be me, ever.\u00a0 Ever.\u00a0 No, you can date a model, or four, steal my cologne, actively lobby to get Peyton Manning removed from the Hall of Fame, but you\u2019ll never be me.\u201d<\/p>\n

By the way, I want to set the record straight.\u00a0 Certain haters, you’ve been up here talking s**t about me not having any black receivers.\u00a0 I never noticed.\u00a0 White players, black players, even if I take their job while lying in a f*****n hospital bed coughing up blood, they all get rings when they play with Tom Brady, right Drew?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUnless you\u2019re Randy Moss.”<\/p>\n

“Can you believe that guy up here, begging me, ‘T-boy, give me one of your rings.’\u00a0 Bitch, please, you’ll be lucky if I send you a text.\u00a0 I’m not sitting on some plank trying to hook me a catfish. I’m Tom Brady. I’ve got s**t to do.”<\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(PHOTO: James Lang – USA TODAY Sports)<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

“Where’d Ben Affleck go?\u00a0 Look at Ben Affleck, he’s a huge movie star.\u00a0 Jersey Girl?\u00a0 Phantom?\u00a0 Batman?\u00a0 And he’s here defending me.\u00a0 And when has Ben Affleck ever made a bad decision?”<\/p>\n

“[Nikki] Glaser, [Andrew] Schultz, [Tony] Hinchcliffe, two racist bears [Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer].\u00a0 Who picked this s****y lineup?\u00a0 The New York Jets front office?\u00a0 Nice f****n haircut.”<\/p>\n

“But I’m not going to say s**t about Sam Jay because she looks like that f****n dude that shredded my ACL.\u00a0 I don’t care if you’re from Boston.”<\/p>\n

“Kim Kardashian, thank you so much for being here.\u00a0 I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight.\u00a0 Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got so many great football greats tonight, but where\u2019s Roger Goodell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemember DeflateGate?\u00a0 The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was \u2018more probable than not,\u2019 that I was, \u2018generally aware\u2019 that someone may have deflated my footballs?\u00a0 You could have just given me the $20 million, and I would have just told you I f*****g did it.\u201d<\/p>\n

[Turns to his former teammates]<\/em><\/p>\n

“You know what I’m saying?”<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to get the NFL too upset.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to buy a piece of the Raiders.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBuffalo fans call themselves the ‘Bills Mafia.’\u00a0 How are you the f*****g mafia?\u00a0 At least the mafia has a ring you can kiss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd while we\u2019re at it, screw Colts fans.\u00a0 Colts are just Broncos who don\u2019t f**k.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\"****<\/p>\n

(PHOTO: Greg M. Cooper – USA TODAY Sports)<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cKansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest?\u00a0 It helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd in honor of Tay Tay, let\u2019s take a look at the Chiefs\u2019 eras.\u00a0 Terrible for 50 years, good for 5.\u00a0 Shake it off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPhilly fans are just racist a*****s.\u00a0 But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it.\u00a0 Yeah, f**k you Kevin.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn Philly, they have to grease up the light poles so people don\u2019t climb them after games.\u00a0 You know how they grease up those poles?\u00a0 They rub someone from Philadelphia on them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Giants fans, f**k Eli and f**k you. Twice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd now, for the real reason you all are here, Coach Bill Belichick.\u00a0 Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite.\u00a0 I used to say,’ the next one.’\u00a0 But now that I\u2019m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl\u2019s house at 6am a few months ago.”<\/p>\n

“Hey, you\u2019ve still got it.”<\/p>\n

[points to Belichick]<\/em><\/p>\n

“Respect, Baby.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(PHOTO: Scott Galvin – USA TODAY Sports)<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cYou know we\u2019ve been through so much.\u00a0 And after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along, it was you.\u00a0 You\u2019re the reason for the Patriots\u2019 dynasty.\u00a0 Because you, Bill Belichick, you are a true coaching genius.\u00a0 I mean, you had to choose between an aging, injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe and a young, healthy, minimum-wage superstar.\u00a0 I could have gotten a f*****g coach from Foxboro f******g High School to make that decision.\u00a0 Run it again, Belichick.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been out of the game for a minute, so I\u2019m curious: How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe it\u2019s not just the guy on the sideline.\u00a0 When I go to the Indy 500, I don\u2019t ask the winning driver, hey, who gassed up your car?\u201d<\/p>\n

“There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is, I miss the love of my life – football.\u00a0 So to my fans, it’s been honor to be your guy that you can count on to get the team down the field and somehow pull off a last-minute miracle victory, what’s called in football, ‘A Tom Brady.'”<\/p>\n

“And to all the rest of you who’ve been talking s**t about me for 20 years, I’ve got one thing to say.”<\/p>\n

[smashes a cell phone]<\/em><\/p>\n

“Lose my number.\u00a0 F**k ’em all, baby.”<\/p>\n

(Editor\u2019s Note: This transcript is done via the available footage and is subject to typos.\u00a0 If you spot something, please take a moment to let me know in the comments below.)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Every key moment from the Netflix Tom Brady Roast. The full transcript of what the legendary quarterback said, from Deflategate jokes to jabs at Belichick, Bledsoe, Edelman, and more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":22028,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_pfeai_meta_description":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[237],"tags":[13],"class_list":["post-53408","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-patriots-transcripts","tag-tom-brady"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Roast of Tom Brady: Full Transcript & Best Jokes<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Every key moment from the Netflix Tom Brady Roast. 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