Heard any good jokes lately?

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Tony2046

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What do you get when you cross an insomniac and a dyslexic?


Someone who stays up the night, wondering if there really is a dog.

A Jete Head Coach?

Edit:. Didn't realize the answer was hidden.
 
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PatriotsReign

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Husband comes home from golfing and his wife asks “Did you buy new clubs again? That’s it, I’m getting breast implants so I can finally have big, beautiful breasts!”

The husband replies “breast implants cost much more than new clubs. Besides, I have a better idea. Wrap both hands in toilet paper and rub them on your breasts everyday.”

His wife replies, “what the hell will that do?”

The husband replies “Look what it’s done for your butt!”:rolleyes:
 

1960Pats

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Two blondes are jogging, one on each side of a creek. After awhile the one blonde hollers over to the other "How do I get to the Other Side?". The Other blonde replies " You Are On The Other Side!"

Did you hear the one about the blonde cop pulling over the blonde driver? if not here it is...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting more and more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "it's square and has your picture on it."

The driver found a mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back to her and said, "you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 

1960Pats

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I just read these jokes to my girlfriend. She doesn't approve of our humor.

There does seem to be a common theme. I'll have to change it up. See if she likes this one...

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ***hole.
 
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Tony2046

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There does seem to be a common theme. I'll have to change it up. See if she likes this one...

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ***hole.

Thanks but it didn't help. "I'm a brunette. Stick to the blonde jokes"
 

Triumph

Hall of Fame Poster
From other NFL teams boards.

Dolphins fan post Cam win - "Chan Gailey should burn his 1970s playbook"

Browns fan - "The Ravens destroying the Browns 38 - 6 is the first normal event this year."
 

1960Pats

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** Excerpts from a Dog's Diary **
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

** Excerpts from a Cat's Diary **
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ******ed. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe... For now...
 

Tony2046

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** Excerpts from a Dog's Diary **
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

** Excerpts from a Cat's Diary **
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ******ed. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe... For now...

Ok. That got her laughing.
 

XLIX

Pro Bowl Player
Story of my life:

A guy is walking down the strip in Vegas and this other guy comes up to him and says "Excuse me, sir? Do you have any money you can spare? I need it so my wife can have emergency surgery or else she will die." The first guy goes, "Well if I give you some money, how do I know you aren't just going to use it for gambling?" And the second guy goes, "oh, I've already got money set aside for gambling." :rofl:
 

1960Pats

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'60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba -- Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
 

1960Pats

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My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screens.
 
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1960Pats

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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
 

1960Pats

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay
 

dalero

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Wife tells husband she thinking about a breast enlargement operation. "Isn't that pretty costly" he asks. It's about $5,000 she says. The husband disappears to the bathroom emerging with a length of toilet paper and hands it to her. "What's this for" she asks. He says "you've been rubbing your butt with it for years and it's worked pretty well.
 

irishfanatic

Third String But Playing on Special Teams
Woman goes to consultant to book a Labiaplasty procedure (vaginal flaps reduction), as hers had become embarrassingly large. She swears the consultant to extreme secrecy in the matter. After surgery she wakes to find three vases of roses by her bed. She is furious and demands to know who sent them due to the highly confidential nature of her procedure. The consultant asks her to relax as he sent some because he felt sorry she was going through this alone. And the second lot,who are they from she screams. He replies they are from the assisting nurse as she empathised because she had similar procedure done a few years ago. And who are the third lot from screams the woman. The consultant replied "Oh they are from the man upstairs in the Burns Unit who wanted to say thanks for his new Ears.
 

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