Heard any good jokes lately?

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1960Pats

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This is the spot to post any jokes you have. I'll start.

Q: What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?

A: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

My granddaughter loved that one ten years ago
 
  • Ha Ha
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1960Pats

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How about this one?

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work. You don’t know them.”

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of her when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”

When she got out of the car she was putting her wedding ring back on her finger and adjusting her clothes. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft of my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed
 

1960Pats

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Okay, one more. One of George Carlin's new rules.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
 

IcyPatriot

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2 Cars sideswipe on the highway and pull over ...
1 driver is extremely nervous and cold ... the other offers him a sip of moonshine.
Thanks he says have another ... maybe one more to warm you up.
1st driver says did u call the cops ... 2nd says not yet ... here it's cold here take another sip.
1st driver says when are you going to call the cops? 2nd driver says after you take 1 more sip.
 

1960Pats

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Husband: "Why do you keep buying plants, you just keep killing them?"

Wife: "Just to remind you what I'm capable of."

I enjoy wife jokes and women jokes. Luckily, my wife has a great sense of humor.

Edit: Here's one btw...

A packed airliner went into a dive and it looked like there would be a crash. A woman sitting in the front started to cry, thinking she was going to die. She started screaming “I can’t die. Nobody has ever made me feel like a woman.”

All of a sudden a hunk of a young man gets out of his seat in the back and starts walking down the aisle toward the woman. The good looking guy unbuttons his shirt one button at a time as he walks. As he gets closer he takes off his shirt entirely and rolls the shirt up into a ball, revealing a carved in stone upper body to go along with his incredible good looks.

When he gets up next to the woman he looks at her and asks, “are you sure you want to feel like a woman?”

“Yes” she says.

The young man then hands her his shirt and says, “here, wash this.”
 
Last edited:

PatsWSB47

Pro Bowl Player
So the husband gets home after a night of poker with the boys and quietly climbs into bed where his perturbed wife is pretending she's asleep. The husband slowly reaches over to her and very gently slides his hand down her side, then her leg. The wife at first wondered what he was up to but as he went up the inside of one leg and back down the inside of the other she thought, " wow this is exciting me". The husband then slide his hand up the outside of her other leg and suddenly stops. The wife wanting more say to him "hey honey, why did you stop? You haven't made me feel like that in years." Then the husband replies matter of factly, "I found the remote"
 

1960Pats

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In my life, enjoyable political discussions are rare unless they’re with people that agree

IMHO a political discussion is much easier to have in person than online.

Anyway, back to the jokes.

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.
 

Bonzo

Third String But Playing on Special Teams
Saw it on reddit recently, but I think I've heard it before:

A man pays a hospital visit to his very ill mother-in-law. Later, when his wife asks how she seems to be holding up, he says, "Oh, she's doing great. Better than that even: she'll be alive for many decades to come and will in fact soon be moving in with us!"

His wife, astonished and overjoyed, asks, "You heard all that from the doctor?"

The man nods. "He told me to expect the worse."
 

Raymond

In the Starting Line-Up
Two blondes are jogging, one on each side of a creek. After awhile the one blonde hollers over to the other "How do I get to the Other Side?". The Other blonde replies " You Are On The Other Side!"
 

Tony2046

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A farmer was working out in his field one day and he saw his son running across the field with a roll of duct tape.

"Hey boy! Where you going with that?"

"To catch some ducks. That's what it's for pah"

"That ain't what that's for son"

"Sure it is pah"

The farmer went back to work and about an hour later he sees his son running across the field with a crap load of ducks wrapped up in duct tape.

"How in the hell did he do that", he thought.

The next day he was working in the field and saw his son running across the field with a bunch of chicken wire.

"Hey boy! Where are you going with the chicken wire?".

"To catch some chickens pah. That's what this is for."

"That ain't what it's for son"

"Sure it is pah"

The farmer went back to work and about an hour later he sees his son running across the field with a bunch of chickens wrapped up in chicken wire.

"Holy shyt. How did he do that?" He thought.

The next day the farmer was working in his field and he sees his son running across the field with a bunch of p u s s y willows.

"Wait up son !! I'm coming with you"
 

Tony2046

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A Mexican guy, an Italian guy and a Redneck had been working on a skyscraper for six months.

One day at lunch:

The Mexican guy says, "Tacos?? Man I'm sick and tired of tacos for lunch. Six months of Tacos?? If I get tacos one more time I'm jumping off of this skyscraper."

The Italian guy says, "Lasagna?? Man if I get Lasagna one more time I'm jumping with you."

The Redneck says, "Peanut butter and jelly again?? Man if I get peanut butter and jelly again I'm jumping with y'all"

The next day:

The Mexican guy. " Tacos???? Again?? Adios compadres". "Ahhhhhhhhh". He jumped.

The Italian guy. "Lasagna?? Again?? Ahhhhhh" He jumped.

The Redneck. " Peanut butter and jelly???? Again?? He jumped.

At the funeral the wives were talking with each other:

The Mexican wife. "I don't understand it. He loved my Tacos. He bragged about my tacos to his friends."

The Italian wife. "I don't understand either. It was his mom's recipe. He said that I made it better."

The Redneck wife. "I really don't understand. He made his own lunch."
 

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