Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy is nothing if not pragmatic. He realizes that adults no longer read his thoroughly irrelevant columns, and yet he has a proven track record of being willing to do or say almost anything to line his wallet. When the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, Shaughnessy’s cash cow, “The Curse,” was forever, mercifully, put to rest.
Yet several months ago, despite the Red Sox victory, Shaughnessy had the audacity to release a book called the Legend of the Curse of the Bambino, aimed at children in grades 2-4. He recently spoke to Call of the Green Monster about it.
“After the Sox won the World Series,” Shaughnessy said, “I dealt with depression, tried desperately to be positive, and then ultimately I just decided that I simply wasn’t going give up on sponging people with this curse nonsense. Now, no reasonable adult would still buy any of this crap about a stupid curse, so it only seemed natural to turn my targets on harmless, innocent, gullible children.”
Shaughnessy says his marketing strategy is to infest the minds of these young children into thinking that the curse still lives. “Then,” he gleefully continues, “these kids will grow up brainwashed, will eventually reproduce, and then we’ll have whole new generations of people believing in the curse. Other families will be miserable, but my family will reap the financial benefits for years to come. It will be glorious!”
Shaughnessy, who, when Call of the Green Monster spoke with him, was setting a steel trap intended to kill his neighbor’s cat if it came into his yard, said that he quickly got sick of the positive feelings of the Red Sox World Series Championship. “Everybody stopped talking about the curse, and since people stopped reading my columns years ago,
I was at my wits end,” he said bitterly. “But now, I’m back in business, baby!” He laughed maniacally. “Kids are so stupid,” he cackled, before screeching in pain as the jaws of the cat trap snapped shut, squashing three of his fingers.
