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I'm not doing a draftnik draft recap this year... this time I'd rather open it up to various views of the humor in this draft, now that it's all over. So... all humorous takes welcome. (However I did start doing the "classic" style for a couple of players...)
General: Last year’s draft was insanely deep at the Josh position, so much so that this year’s plotline somehow involved one of last year’s Joshes. Yes, on the second night of the draft, the Arizona Cardinals sent Josh Rosen to the Dolphins for a second round pick, which the Dolphins transmuted from a 48 overall to a 62 overall while discussing the Rosen trade, before trading the reduced value pick to Zona.
The key is “On the second night.” Long story short, ‘Zona got in a jam by drafting a first round QB every year and forgetting to unload the old one before getting the new one. Miami be like “Mayyyyyyybe we’ll trade with you, go ahead, make the pick.” Then Miami be like “Mayyyyybe Rosen is worth our 48 overall, hold please. [hold music] Like I was saying, mayyyybe Rosen is worth the 62 overall…” “Oh but also we’ll give you a 5th round pick… in 2020.”
Okay, you see the dynamic, right? They saw a motivated seller then dropped that value faster than an offer on a beachfront condo after a hurricane. Then they told ‘Zona, “let’s celebrate the sale with a drink, your treat.” Then ‘Zona’s wife was gone until mid-morning, not sayin’, just sayin’. In international terms, they gave Miami the food aid and let them keep the nukes.
Let’s recap: to get Rosen in 2018 at no. 10 overall, Zona traded its own no. 15 overall, a third (no. 79), and a fifth (no. 152). So taking out my handy draft value chart, it looks like ‘Zona got, let’s see, carry the 1, divide by zero, they got what the Brits used to call a proper Rogering. (Must be a Goodell thing). Conclusion, if you really ream somebody in a deal in Miami for the next 10 years, when telling the story, start out with “We totally Rosened them.”
Prognosis: brilliant deal for Miami, which was ultimately the single most likely destination for Rosen anyway, after the Fiedler/Rosenfels roster of a few years back. If I can say that. I like to think that, as a Red Sea pedestrian myself, it is within my latitude to say that if they got their shot, Miami was unlikely to pass him over.
Having dispensed with the preliminaries, on to this year’s picks:
Rd 1, Pick 32: N’Keal Harry, WR, AZ State.
How does a 6’2” son of some lady in St. Vincent dropped in some forgotten spot in the Caribbean… oh never mind, you get the idea. I’m obsessed with Hamilton, he’s from the Caribbean, badda bing badda boom. That said, if there’s a jump ball he is not throwing away his shot. Clamps down on a Winter’s Ball like a Federalist does on financial policy and stays glued to his route like a penniless idealist to a Schuyler Sister. But his most impressive attribute, a knack for coming down with the contested ball, ensured he would rise up draft boards, until someone pulled the trigger. Click Boom. Afterthought: Bolsters the Pats’ apostrophe corps. Pats Draftnik Grade: A
Rd 2, Pick 45: JoeJuan Williams, CB, Vanderbilt. Already boasting the finest secondary in the league, the Patriots ensure the ability to beat some guys up in the process of shutting them down. Unlikely to become the instant every-play shutdown guy because (1) he’s not as good as the DBs we have and (2) nobody’s the every-down guy. He’ll add to a rich mix that’s just getting richer, while adding a paradoxically inexpensive presence to the DB corps going forward. Also has particular set of skills that makes him a nightmare for people like Travis Kelce. Pats Draftnik Grade: J+
Rd 3, Pick 77: Chase Winovich, Ratt, Michigan. Just when you thought grunge killed the hair bands, they're back a mere 25 years later in the form of NFL linebackers. There's a reason Chase Winovich has never been photographed alongside either Clay Matthews or the Gaul leader Vercingetorix. The usual story: A DE/OLB tweener billed as disruptive AF, this time with a twist that nobody can lift his pads except him, and if he throws his helmet it returns unerringly to his hand. If you have 1 guy to take with you to Ragnorak... well actually the Danish mime might give him a run for his money, but Chase here at least looks the part. Pats Draftnik Grade: Wildman's C
Rd 3, Pick 87: Damien Harris, RB, Alabama. If he pans out and busts through a stacked backfield to lead the league in touchdowns, well, that means he's gone. But even if he doesn't, for the brief period where he's tearing up the league and a Patriot, I'm calling him The Omen. Projects to be one more guy in the backfield. But he's good and stuff. Patsnik Grade: 1D (to go with 1, 1A, 1B, and 1C.)
Okay that's what I've got so far. The names alone are just too good, but I'm just too tired this year. I need the help of the teeming dozens... take a pick and do the write-up.
General: Last year’s draft was insanely deep at the Josh position, so much so that this year’s plotline somehow involved one of last year’s Joshes. Yes, on the second night of the draft, the Arizona Cardinals sent Josh Rosen to the Dolphins for a second round pick, which the Dolphins transmuted from a 48 overall to a 62 overall while discussing the Rosen trade, before trading the reduced value pick to Zona.
The key is “On the second night.” Long story short, ‘Zona got in a jam by drafting a first round QB every year and forgetting to unload the old one before getting the new one. Miami be like “Mayyyyyyybe we’ll trade with you, go ahead, make the pick.” Then Miami be like “Mayyyyybe Rosen is worth our 48 overall, hold please. [hold music] Like I was saying, mayyyybe Rosen is worth the 62 overall…” “Oh but also we’ll give you a 5th round pick… in 2020.”
Okay, you see the dynamic, right? They saw a motivated seller then dropped that value faster than an offer on a beachfront condo after a hurricane. Then they told ‘Zona, “let’s celebrate the sale with a drink, your treat.” Then ‘Zona’s wife was gone until mid-morning, not sayin’, just sayin’. In international terms, they gave Miami the food aid and let them keep the nukes.
Let’s recap: to get Rosen in 2018 at no. 10 overall, Zona traded its own no. 15 overall, a third (no. 79), and a fifth (no. 152). So taking out my handy draft value chart, it looks like ‘Zona got, let’s see, carry the 1, divide by zero, they got what the Brits used to call a proper Rogering. (Must be a Goodell thing). Conclusion, if you really ream somebody in a deal in Miami for the next 10 years, when telling the story, start out with “We totally Rosened them.”
Prognosis: brilliant deal for Miami, which was ultimately the single most likely destination for Rosen anyway, after the Fiedler/Rosenfels roster of a few years back. If I can say that. I like to think that, as a Red Sea pedestrian myself, it is within my latitude to say that if they got their shot, Miami was unlikely to pass him over.
Having dispensed with the preliminaries, on to this year’s picks:
Rd 1, Pick 32: N’Keal Harry, WR, AZ State.
How does a 6’2” son of some lady in St. Vincent dropped in some forgotten spot in the Caribbean… oh never mind, you get the idea. I’m obsessed with Hamilton, he’s from the Caribbean, badda bing badda boom. That said, if there’s a jump ball he is not throwing away his shot. Clamps down on a Winter’s Ball like a Federalist does on financial policy and stays glued to his route like a penniless idealist to a Schuyler Sister. But his most impressive attribute, a knack for coming down with the contested ball, ensured he would rise up draft boards, until someone pulled the trigger. Click Boom. Afterthought: Bolsters the Pats’ apostrophe corps. Pats Draftnik Grade: A
Rd 2, Pick 45: JoeJuan Williams, CB, Vanderbilt. Already boasting the finest secondary in the league, the Patriots ensure the ability to beat some guys up in the process of shutting them down. Unlikely to become the instant every-play shutdown guy because (1) he’s not as good as the DBs we have and (2) nobody’s the every-down guy. He’ll add to a rich mix that’s just getting richer, while adding a paradoxically inexpensive presence to the DB corps going forward. Also has particular set of skills that makes him a nightmare for people like Travis Kelce. Pats Draftnik Grade: J+
Rd 3, Pick 77: Chase Winovich, Ratt, Michigan. Just when you thought grunge killed the hair bands, they're back a mere 25 years later in the form of NFL linebackers. There's a reason Chase Winovich has never been photographed alongside either Clay Matthews or the Gaul leader Vercingetorix. The usual story: A DE/OLB tweener billed as disruptive AF, this time with a twist that nobody can lift his pads except him, and if he throws his helmet it returns unerringly to his hand. If you have 1 guy to take with you to Ragnorak... well actually the Danish mime might give him a run for his money, but Chase here at least looks the part. Pats Draftnik Grade: Wildman's C
Rd 3, Pick 87: Damien Harris, RB, Alabama. If he pans out and busts through a stacked backfield to lead the league in touchdowns, well, that means he's gone. But even if he doesn't, for the brief period where he's tearing up the league and a Patriot, I'm calling him The Omen. Projects to be one more guy in the backfield. But he's good and stuff. Patsnik Grade: 1D (to go with 1, 1A, 1B, and 1C.)
Okay that's what I've got so far. The names alone are just too good, but I'm just too tired this year. I need the help of the teeming dozens... take a pick and do the write-up.
