July 28, 2008
Spiked Kool Aid Finally Gives Us The Answers
BY: Kevin Rousseau
Editor's Note: Given that every answer to the media for the past seven years out of Patriots training camp has been a canned, well thought-out response, Patsfans.com thought we should go the extra mile for you, our reader, and try to get some real answers to the questions that you want answered. And with the vast worldwide resources of this website, rivaled only by perhaps ESPN and/or the Lowell Sun, we secretly spiked the Kool Aid machine with truth serum at the Patriots cafeteria with the hope that we could get some real answers for once out of a Patriots afternoon media session. Let's see how it went…
The first Patriot to emerge from the cafeteria for his afternoon media session was none other than Tom Brady in his red #12 practice jersey. As the usual throng of print and electronic media swarmed around Brady, he started in with "Man, do I hate these daily cattle calls. I would rather talk about Gisele's latest GQ photo spread than answer another question about Spygate." Thinking it was a little peculiar that he was being so honest, a beat reporter asked the obligatory question "Is there any Super Bowl hangover, Tom?"
"Super Bowl hangover? What the hell do you think? Of course there is. I have a beautiful girlfriend and wonderful little baby boy but all I could think about for the last six months was this image of Justin Tuck coming after me like I was a woman sitting on a park bench within grabbing distance of Sen. Marzilli," said the future Hall of Fame quarterback.
"I mean we were humiliated. I knew we were a hated bunch when ESPN was showing Don Shula actively rooting against us in that nightmare MNF game against the Ravens. I never wish to lose a game but if we weren't handed that game this whole undefeated thing would have been moot and the Giants would have surely laid down that final week of the regular season. But you got to hand it to them, they out Patriot-ed us in the Super Bowl. I'm still embarrassed by the egg that we laid," he said as a shocked media throng looked on.
It turns out Brady was just warming up. "And now because the Celtics won a championship, we are suddenly the black sheep of the Boston sports scene. You think it's a hoot to hear all these yahoos calling up sports radio and saying 'Geez, if the Pats had only won that Super Bowl it would have made for a pretty cool t-shirt to buy down at Dick's?" said Brady. "And, now I got an offensive lineman who got busted for having more drugs on him than a Tylenol factory." Michael Felger was in such disbelief he had nothing to say as he listened to the serum-induced Brady.
"I will say this; I sure am glad that Jason Taylor got traded to the Redskins. If I had a nickel for each time Taylor put me on my ass in the last seven years while Matt Light just stood there with his hands on his hips in his disbelief, I would have enough to buy myself a new Yankees hat by now," unloaded Brady. "I got to get out of this hot sun. I'm just not feeling right," he said as he headed for the trainer's room.
Next to emerge from the cafeteria was veteran safety Rodney Harrison. "Alright, let's get this over with," he said to the media. "Rodney, I'm sorry to ask this but have you and the team moved on from the Super Bowl loss?" asked the Globe's Mike Reiss.
"You're sorry? Damn, I'm sorry that David Tyree caught that ball off the back of his helmet. They'll be showing that clip on those NFL Films documentaries ad infinitum. I have an outside shot at making the Hall of Fame but all I'll be remembered for is not breaking up that crazy catch," said a fired up Harrison. "I'm starting to understand what Bill Buckner went through to some extent."
"What do you mean?" asked a probing Mark Farinella of the Sun Chronicle.
"Let me give you an example," replied Harrison. "After the Super Bowl fiasco, I decided to take the family to Bora Bora to get away from you all. And things were going fine on our vacation until a native pool attendant who barely spoke English came up to me and asked if I was indeed Rodney Harrison. After I said I was, he proceeded to act out Tyree catching the ball and falling to the ground. Then he burst out laughing right in front of me before running off. It was a good thing my family was there or I would have given him the business, that's for sure," concluded Harrison as he raced off to check if had been fined today by the NFL for looking at someone the wrong way.
One by one, the Patriots came out of the cafeteria and broke the cardinal rule of the Patriots media relations strategy which is "Never give the rest of the League or the team's fans anything of any value at these press conferences." Last to emerge was none other than the HC of the NEP himself, Mr. Bill Belichick.
"Ok, fellas. I guess it's your lucky day. I'm feeling a little laid back today. What do you want to know?" asked the legendary coach. Steve Burton of WBZ began the press conference with "Coach, just how do you motivate players after getting so close to perfection?"
"To be honest, Steve, I don't have any idea. I've looked at all kinds of books in the offseason looking for an answer and I haven't found one yet. I skipped Tony Dungy's book-but that's another story. Anyways, we aren't getting any younger and the window of opportunity on this run is going slam shut on our fingers any year now. It just has to," added Belichick. "For example, I got Tedy Bruschi who is a few years away from collecting Social Security and this Spygate thing has sucked the life out of me over the last year, if I'm honest with you. They would have you believe that the rest of the NFL is the College of the Cardinals and we're the crazy St. Michael's parish out on the outskirts of the Archdiocese doing pop music masses on Saturday night. Gimme a break."
"I'll have to think of something to tell them. Maybe I'll just tell them that 'We are moving on' or 'We are taking it one game at a time,'" wondered Belichick. "Or what do you fellas think about this one? 'One word: Finish.' Or how about 'What's next?'"
"Maybe they'll drink the Kool Aid on one of 'em," Belichick said as his gaze drifted off into the distance.
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