Yet Another Preview Thread (now with humor!)

Discussion in ' - Patriots Fan Forum' started by PatsFanInVa, Jul 9, 2006.

  1. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa Supporter Supporter

    Not to be outdone...

    Mine would look a lot like a repeat of last year's finish.... I hate to say it, but I do get surprised by the finish every year... But I'll give it my latest shot.

    Please do not bring up any polar opposite I may have posted earlier, off the cuff. This is my real, final writeup until the next one:

    Pats over Carolina (again,) SB XLI
    Pats over Denver, AFC Championship
    Carolina over 'Hawks (or 'Skins, or Cowboys, or... oh does it really matter?) NFC Championship

    - Pats aren't as good as we think they are, but are better than league analysts think they are. Along the way, Ben Watson gets tapped to play linebacker, fullback, and emergency kicker; Mike Vrabel plays tight end, although the Pats have 4 on the roster, Troy Brown plays nickel back, and Jon Sullivan is seen floating over the stadium with "Goodyear" stenciled on his massive flank. More guys are "starters" at one point or another, than start the season on the 53 man roster. Regardless: 12-4.
    - 'Fins make 10-6, miss playoffs. Again.
    - Jets, Bills: Talk to me in 07. Or later.

    - Palmer still recovering from Kimo-thereapy, and isn't well enough fast enough to get Cinci the head of steam they need to be a threatening presence in the playoffs. In other Bengals news, Chris Henry shows up for camp in an orange jumpsuit with white and black accents skillfully applied with crayon. 10 wins, first round loss in the playoffs.
    - Pittsburgh tumbles, Baltimore soars, Cleveland rises -- all to the 6-10 to 9-7 continuum. Not enough for a chair at the party.

    - Indy's still king of this hill, to the tune of 11-5 -- more if their rook is worthy of being the new triplet on the block. Don't count on it.
    - Jacksonville played over their heads last season. "Fragile" Fred Taylor hangs on to make just enough impact to prevent Greg Jones from every growing up and into an actual tailback role. Byron Leftwich continues to play well, bumps his play up a notch when an impotent drug addicted right wing pundit says people just say Leftwich is a good QB because he's black, followed by "wait did I say that out loud or just think it?" 10-6, wild card.
    - Tennessee's Flaming Thumbtacks make good with their recent additions, and with a threatened Billy Volek hooking up with Drew Bennett for at least a dozen touchdowns, trying to look like Drew Brees rather than Tommy Maddox. David Givens recaps his number 2 role in New England, but for #1 money. And the much-improved defense keeps them in range for most games. 8-8.
    - Houston ("too close to New Orleans," in more ways than one,) rides the none-too-sturdy legs of Domanick Davis, and the none-too-reliable arm of David Carr, to 4-12. Around week 10, Davis changes name on back of jersey to "Not Reggie Bush."

    Denver, 13-3
    Quite the complete team, and they take out Indy in the playoffs, thereby obliging the Pats to vanquish the new bogeyman rather than the old in the AFC championship game. Addition of Javon Walker more than makes up for departure or holdout of Lelie. At running back, who cares? He's good for 1200 yards and 10 TDs.

    Kansas City, 11-5
    Very Old News Flash: Priest Holmes was already yesterday's news last year. Herm will feel no lingering need to prop up yesterday's legend, and Larry Johnson will threaten the 25-30 TD range. The decline of Gonzo may or may not continue, but the redoubtable Mr. Green shows no signs of following suit. Eventually they have to translate all this talent into winning. Just not enough winning. Ladies and gentlemen, your second wild card team.

    San Diego, 9-7
    Oh crap, how'd that happen? Staying good harder than getting there - learn it, live it, love it. And pray that Lady Tom can carry the team to a Super Bowl before the tarnish begins to collect on his soon-to-be venerable plating.

    Oakland, 6-10
    Just not the same since that drubbing at the hands of Tampa Bay. But bear in mind, they woulda, shoulda, coulda won a variety games this season that they did not.

    Suddenly they're the NFCBeast. NYG, Dallas, or 'Skins have an interchangeable range of strengths and question marks. The urgency of an aging Tiki and a growing Manning? The shopping-spree and new Portis-friendly running game in Washington? Julion Bonesber and Drew-to-T.O. Express in Dallas? I'll pick em but can't claim to have any confidence:
    1. Washington, 11-5
    2. Dallas, 10-6, wild card
    3. NYG, 9-7. Your second wild card.
    4. Phil, 8-8

    Take heart, NFCNorse fans. The bad news: you KNOW the wild card won't come from your division. The good news: they still aren't allowed to annoint you all losers and just yank your playoff spot.
    1. Chicago, 12-2. I would be too if I played in this division.
    2. Detroit, 9-7. At least they get to be a bridesmaid. Not enough to go to the postseason.
    3. Green Bay, 6-10. Samkon Gado replaces Ahman Green for real and for keeps by end of season. Frodo Baggins releases him from Baggins family service to take on new role.
    4. Minnesota, 4-12. Brad Johnson could threaten a holdout. Process that for a moment. Brad Johnson can hold this team hostage with his rifle-like arm. Okay, that should cover it. Oh wait. Then there's the Original Wizzinator, who, although actually NAMED for part of Canada, washed out of the Canadian Football League. Put it this way: between the weather and the football, the worst thing in Minnesota is the latter.

    NASCAR, Shmazcar. This division is going to be the Reggie Bush-in-the-role-of-Sisyphus sideshow. That is, how can Bush run for over a hundred yards for the majority of games, outrush all other rookies, and still be on a 6-10 team??? Answer: without him they'd be 2-14.
    1. Carolina, 12-4. These guys still punch you in the mouth on Defense. Delhomme is the real deal, not like Rothlisburger. Steve Smith? Fuggeddaboudit.
    2. Atlanta, 9-7 Duckett to depart for Pittsburgh? Maybe. That leaves us only the faster, less durable running backs, including the one who's allowed to throw the ball.
    3. Tampa Bay, 8-8. Just have not kept pace, despite the new Cadillac parked out front.
    4. New Orleans. What's worse than your whole city under 8 feet of water? Drying out and having to go see the Saints. Losing the team will be first step on road to recovery. 6-10.

    1. Seattle. Despite excellent QB, better RB and sometimes dropsie-prone receiving corps convinces them to appeal to Competition Committee to re-illegalize the forward pass. Competition Committee replies, "exactly how will this help the Indianapolis Colts?" 13-3
    2. Arizona Cardinals. After years of dissappointment, they rocket straight to the middle. Thanks, Edge. 8-8
    3. LA Rams. "Edgerrin Who? We can go 8-8 on the solid running of Stephen Jackson."
    4. San Francisco. Oh. My. Effing. God. When your fond memories of success are based on Jeff Garcia several years ago, you know you've hit bottom. You have to give the defense credit, though. For a unit that's on the field 45 minutes per game, they... well, no, they still really suck. 2-14.

    And that's your PFnV wrapup for this year's NFL Preview.

    Bear in mind, this will mean exactly d*** about two weeks into the regular season. But that's why they play the games.

    Well, that and the money.

    Last edited: Jul 9, 2006
  2. RPCity

    RPCity Practice Squad Player

    Haha.....quite entertaining PF. I enjoyed this completely. Took me a minute on a couple of em...that just goes to show how long its been since football season ended for me.

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