The Official 'What Do You Do' (Keanu Voice) Thread

[Ive_Killed_People]

In some crazy twist of fate (ala the movie Trading Places) you become the GM of the Pats. Drop your begging cup, get up off your skate-board and tell me your off season plan. Here's mine......

First I immediately ask for some time off to sober up. Then....

I prank call Asante Samuel for ruining our perfect season.
I lean back at my desk still fuming and get to thinking about Welker's Superbowl drop. Call his agent and tell him he can get to stepping because as Hawk Harrelson would say: He GONE!
Start thinking about our other free agents.
Read what I think is a script for a German Six-Million Dollar Man Pilot then realize it is the medical records of Sebastian Volmer : Decide we can't rebuild him.
Hear a noise outside my office...look out and see Talib choking a member of the staff. Mark him off my list.
Learn the Browns have offered Woodhead exactly five times what I had planned to offer him. Their reasoning being that if they can't hire a coach that can carry Belichicks' jock they can at least sign a player that has been eye-level with it.
Frustrated over losing so many free agents I turn on the old boob tube and hear on ESPN that Julian Edelman has went crazy and shot up the Mall Of America in Minnesota. This doesn't immediately concern me as he is an athlete and will undoubtedly walk scott-free but then Adam Schefter reports this incident has vaulted him up to the top of the Bengals wishlist. He signs with them the next day for Megatron money.
Edelman leads the headlines for exactly three hours(until the Jets decide to release Tebow)(YES they called a press conference and flew him out on a private Jet) Tebow is interviewed and says exactly 75 times he's excited to NOT be a Jet....2 days later I sign him as our new FB(Josh pumps his fist 5 times)

So...I lose a bunch of free agents but save some serious dough

I call Jairus Byrd and remind him he plays in Buffalo for the Bills. After a long pause and some awkward man sniffles he begs to come to the Pats.

I call up TFB and tell him Welker was trying to sell some underwear on CraigsList he stole off Gisele on that vacation he went with them on and that I told Welker we would not be re-signing him. I tell Brady that if he would be so kind as to restructure for me again I would get him a nice present and wrap it with a big old Bowe.
I sign Dwayne Bowe.
I celebrate and jump around and stub my damn pinky toe on my desk,just then Brandon Lloyd walks in with that big damn grin of his so I release his *** on the spot. Then I realize I'm thin at receiver so I inform Shane Vareen that he is my new slot guy.
Sign Ted Ginn.
Take a good look at my roster and realize I am way overpaying an idiot kicker who seems to miss way too much and lacks any clutch factor. I put him on the waiver wire immediately then proceed to call ten different Polish guys and tell them they are fired before I got the right one (I think)
Trade Mallett for a third
Sign Osi Umanwhatever
Select Best Secondary player in the First round
Replace Vollmer in the second round
WR in the third
With the other third trade for a Fourth this year and a Third next
Draft a kicker in the fourth

Recap: Let Walk: Welker,Talib,Vollmer,Edelman,Woodhead,Arrington
Release:Lloyd,Gostkowsomethingorother
Sign:Byrd,Bowe,Tebow,Ginn,Osi
Draft: CB or Safety in first, Tackle in the Second. WR in the Third. Kicker in the Fourth(Via Mallett trade)
Convert: Vareen to slot, Tebow to Fb

Watch our offense led by a Healthy Gronk,Hernando,and Ballard at TE. Ridley,Bolden as our load backs. Demps as our 3rd down Weapon back.
Vareen tearing it up in the slot. Bowe going deep.

Watch our defense with a playmaking safety in Byrd. Armond Armstead becomes the DPOY. Wilfork and Osi eating QB's as well.

A Dynasty is born. Menino gives a speech at my statue unveiling years later and says :"People of this fair city will always remember when Tebor went up the middle,and when DJ spiked the ball,and when Armand Hammer knocked the ball into Wil-Spoon's waiting arms and it's all because of this ironic gentleman"

It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! Oh crap! Time for my meds!

 

[signbabybrady]

"Pop Quiz Hot Shot"

Your team was in the SuperBowl 2 years ago and one half away from it again this year what is the better approach resign what you can and fill in the small wholes or let everyone walk and cut a few others to make some drastic signings.


If I were GM of this team my plan would be almost completely opposite of yours. I would try and resign the 3 key guys Wes, Vollmer, and Talib realizing it might only be realistic to keep 2 of 3. I then look at that next tier and I see Edelman as being a must resign and Woodhead as someone I would love back but might not be able to afford.

Then I make a decision on Where McCourty will play next year and I make signing a Vet to the other position a priority. I think I like McCourty at safety but I still wonder if he could be a great CB with a decent safety behind him. I think this comes down to what I can get in FAency and maybe I let that determine where Devin plays if the safety is there I move him back to CB or vice versa.

After that it all comes down to the draft and finding a speedy deep threat.

Look bottom line to me is that if we are going to win a SuperBowl it will be almost entirely because of the guys in that lockeroom already. The health of Brady, Gronk, Hernandez, Vince and a few others are the key. But the real difference also comes in the improved play of the young backs, Chandler Jones, Dennard, other rookies from this year and second year players improving. All the key pieces are in place and we are just supplementing the roster this offseason. I do not expect any major moves this offseason.

 

[BradyFTW!]

In some crazy twist of fate (ala the movie Trading Places) you become the GM of the Pats. Drop your begging cup, get up off your skate-board and tell me your off season plan. Here's mine......

First I immediately ask for some time off to sober up. Then....

I prank call Asante Samuel for ruining our perfect season.
I lean back at my desk still fuming and get to thinking about Welker's Superbowl drop. Call his agent and tell him he can get to stepping because as Hawk Harrelson would say: He GONE!
Start thinking about our other free agents.
Read what I think is a script for a German Six-Million Dollar Man Pilot then realize it is the medical records of Sebastian Volmer : Decide we can't rebuild him.
Hear a noise outside my office...look out and see Talib choking a member of the staff. Mark him off my list.
Learn the Browns have offered Woodhead exactly five times what I had planned to offer him. Their reasoning being that if they can't hire a coach that can carry Belichicks' jock they can at least sign a player that has been eye-level with it.
Frustrated over losing so many free agents I turn on the old boob tube and hear on ESPN that Julian Edelman has went crazy and shot up the Mall Of America in Minnesota. This doesn't immediately concern me as he is an athlete and will undoubtedly walk scott-free but then Adam Schefter reports this incident has vaulted him up to the top of the Bengals wishlist. He signs with them the next day for Megatron money.
Edelman leads the headlines for exactly three hours(until the Jets decide to release Tebow)(YES they called a press conference and flew him out on a private Jet) Tebow is interviewed and says exactly 75 times he's excited to NOT be a Jet....2 days later I sign him as our new FB(Josh pumps his fist 5 times)

So...I lose a bunch of free agents but save some serious dough

I call Jairus Byrd and remind him he plays in Buffalo for the Bills. After a long pause and some awkward man sniffles he begs to come to the Pats.

I call up TFB and tell him Welker was trying to sell some underwear on CraigsList he stole off Gisele on that vacation he went with them on and that I told Welker we would not be re-signing him. I tell Brady that if he would be so kind as to restructure for me again I would get him a nice present and wrap it with a big old Bowe.
I sign Dwayne Bowe.
I celebrate and jump around and stub my damn pinky toe on my desk,just then Brandon Lloyd walks in with that big damn grin of his so I release his *** on the spot. Then I realize I'm thin at receiver so I inform Shane Vareen that he is my new slot guy.
Sign Ted Ginn.
Take a good look at my roster and realize I am way overpaying an idiot kicker who seems to miss way too much and lacks any clutch factor. I put him on the waiver wire immediately then proceed to call ten different Polish guys and tell them they are fired before I got the right one (I think)
Trade Mallett for a third
Sign Osi Umanwhatever
Select Best Secondary player in the First round
Replace Vollmer in the second round
WR in the third
With the other third trade for a Fourth this year and a Third next
Draft a kicker in the fourth

Recap: Let Walk: Welker,Talib,Vollmer,Edelman,Woodhead,Arrington
Release:Lloyd,Gostkowsomethingorother
Sign:Byrd,Bowe,Tebow,Ginn,Osi
Draft: CB or Safety in first, Tackle in the Second. WR in the Third. Kicker in the Fourth(Via Mallett trade)
Convert: Vareen to slot, Tebow to Fb

Watch our offense led by a Healthy Gronk,Hernando,and Ballard at TE. Ridley,Bolden as our load backs. Demps as our 3rd down Weapon back.
Vareen tearing it up in the slot. Bowe going deep.

Watch our defense with a playmaking safety in Byrd. Armond Armstead becomes the DPOY. Wilfork and Osi eating QB's as well.

A Dynasty is born. Menino gives a speech at my statue unveiling years later and says :"People of this fair city will always remember when Tebor went up the middle,and when DJ spiked the ball,and when Armand Hammer knocked the ball into Wil-Spoon's waiting arms and it's all because of this ironic gentleman"

It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! Oh crap! Time for my meds!

Exactly 12 months from now, you'd probably be out of a job. Somehow, in all of this rebuilding, people would wonder how you'd neglected to address the pass rush or the lack of a linebacker who can cover better than Mayo (who is merely decent at it). Similarly, Brady would stop even looking Bowe's way sometime around week 5 (after his seventh drop and umpteenth missed route), which would leave Brady with exactly nobody to throw to since you cut Lloyd and let Welker walk in the same offseason, for reasons that absolutely nobody understands. Finally, once Ridley gets nicked up, it becomes immediately apparent that the depth that we once had at RB is simply no longer there. Woodhead's gone, Vereen is now playing out of position at wide receiver (where he is no longer the giant mismatch that made him an x-factor against Houston), and we're now relying on Bolden and Demps to hold down the fort.

Meanwhile, McCourty and Byrd are providing a ton of range and ball skills in the secondary, and as a result the linebackers' inability to cover is at least partially mitigated. Unfortunately, with Talib and Arrington gone, the Pats are starting a rookie across from Dennard. Dowling is the presumptive #3, which is far from ideal since betting on him to be your #4 might be a longshot in its own right. True to form, he's IRed by week 5 ,and you're stuck signing the Sterling Moores of the world off of other teams' practice squads and hoping that they can stop the bleeding.

As it turns out, they can't. Especially since the pass rush is doing them exactly zero favors, a problem that becomes more apparent since the offense has been downgraded significantly from past years. The Pats go somewhere between 7-9 and 10-6, everyone curses that another year of Brady's prime has been wasted, and we all go back to wishing for Belichick the GM.

 

[Kontradiction]

1. Come to terms with Welker. My first offer to him would be 3 years/$24M with a sizeable signing bonus. This could come with a restructure to Brady's or Mankins' contracts. I'd also come to terms with Woodhead, and would offer Vollmer a smaller contract, but would let him walk if he demanded too much.

2. Let Talib walk depending on the asking price. Open negotiations with guys like Grimes, Nmandi, DRC, etc.

3. Try to persuade Seymour to come on back for lower pay. If not, focus on that in the draft.

4. Trade down with my first pick in order to secure more picks throughout the draft.

5. Draft Matt Elam with my first pick. The rest of the picks would fall into this order: WR, DE/DT, RG, CB, LB.

 

[Ive_Killed_People]

Exactly 12 months from now, you'd probably be out of a job. Somehow, in all of this rebuilding, people would wonder how you'd neglected to address the pass rush or the lack of a linebacker who can cover better than Mayo (who is merely decent at it). Similarly, Brady would stop even looking Bowe's way sometime around week 5 (after his seventh drop and umpteenth missed route), which would leave Brady with exactly nobody to throw to since you cut Lloyd and let Welker walk in the same offseason, for reasons that absolutely nobody understands. Finally, once Ridley gets nicked up, it becomes immediately apparent that the depth that we once had at RB is simply no longer there. Woodhead's gone, Vereen is now playing out of position at wide receiver (where he is no longer the giant mismatch that made him an x-factor against Houston), and we're now relying on Bolden and Demps to hold down the fort.

Meanwhile, McCourty and Byrd are providing a ton of range and ball skills in the secondary, and as a result the linebackers' inability to cover is at least partially mitigated. Unfortunately, with Talib and Arrington gone, the Pats are starting a rookie across from Dennard. Dowling is the presumptive #3, which is far from ideal since betting on him to be your #4 might be a longshot in its own right. True to form, he's IRed by week 5 ,and you're stuck signing the Sterling Moores of the world off of other teams' practice squads and hoping that they can stop the bleeding.

As it turns out, they can't. Especially since the pass rush is doing them exactly zero favors, a problem that becomes more apparent since the offense has been downgraded significantly from past years. The Pats go somewhere between 7-9 and 10-6, everyone curses that another year of Brady's prime has been wasted, and we all go back to wishing for Belichick the GM.

Wow! Welcome to the internet indeed! You must be one of those guys that sits on your basement throne and critiques Supermodels with snide comments and incredulous snorts and guffaws.

I just showed you a Michaelangelo worthy masterpiece of a plan and you turn your nose up at it like it was a Jackson Pollack! I laid before you a dynasty! You damn right after 12 months (and a Superbowl) I would be looking for a new job because the moment Brady throws his eighth TD pass to seal a 59 nothing victory I would stand up in my luxury box hold out my hand and drop my drumsticks in the floor because my work would be done!

No pass rush you say? I signed Osi, and explained to you that Armond would be the DPOY so we would be getting some rush.

I sign the best safety in the league draft a CB first round and you complain Arrington is gone? Arrington????!!!!!! NEWSFLASH: I could fart in a room of ten people and guarantee you that at least three people that smelled it could outplay Arrington!

Our LBs are fine: Mayo,Nink,Hightower,Spikes,and Fletcher aint the coverage disaster you make them out to be.

If you dont think Vareen can play receiver you are delusional check the Houston game for reference. He's built for the slot

I also notice you mock Dowling's health and you are right he does seem awful fragile. But(and this is a Kardashian sized but) Welker has taken a lot of big hits and is getting old, Vollmer has chronic back problems, and you are happy to throw huge dough at them. Seems awful risky to me there chief.

Oh and Bowe is a head case huh? Maybe he is but the last time I checked Talib wasn't up for consideration for the Pope either.

So I bet you feel all silly now huh? Ever read Aesop's Fables? I suggest: The Fox And The Grapes......The moral applies to you

P.s. Pffffffttttttttt!!!!

 

[Ive_Killed_People]

1. Come to terms with Welker. My first offer to him would be 3 years/$24M with a sizeable signing bonus. This could come with a restructure to Brady's or Mankins' contracts. I'd also come to terms with Woodhead, and would offer Vollmer a smaller contract, but would let him walk if he demanded too much.

2. Let Talib walk depending on the asking price. Open negotiations with guys like Grimes, Nmandi, DRC, etc.

3. Try to persuade Seymour to come on back for lower pay. If not, focus on that in the draft.

4. Trade down with my first pick in order to secure more picks throughout the draft.

5. Draft Matt Elam with my first pick. The rest of the picks would fall into this order: WR, DE/DT, RG, CB, LB.

Thanks for playing along! Some people on here just like to crap on other people's ideas and not lay bare their own.

My biggest gripe with yours would be Seymour. I dont think he would ever give anyone a discount for starters and secondly he has a tendency to disappear especially right after getting paid.

 

[Ive_Killed_People]

"Pop Quiz Hot Shot"

Dont call me Hot Shot.................Mustache

 

[Kontradiction]

Thanks for playing along! Some people on here just like to crap on other people's ideas and not lay bare their own.

My biggest gripe with yours would be Seymour. I dont think he would ever give anyone a discount for starters and secondly he has a tendency to disappear especially right after getting paid.

I don't think he would either. But I'd try to sweet talk him, either way. By the way, Seymour was also injured during those periods. He didn't disappear. A lot of people forget that he was very effective for us in his last year here.

I also forgot about adding a pass rusher.

 

[DocHoliday]

The Official What Do You Do(Keanu Voice) Thread

Walk Vollmer, start Cannon
Release Fells.

Resign Talib, Welker, Woodhead, Thomas, Arrington, and Edelman

Sign Tebow at FB
Sign DHB from OAK

Draft best of tall WR or pass rush available with first pick
Draft best of WR or pass rush prospect with second
Draft OT prospect with third
Draft best available with other picks, including OG and largest CBs

Evaluate PS WRs (Ebert and company), TE Brad Herman, Jake Bequette, for greater roles. Start Wilson at SS. Rotate Ninko with new pass rush rookie.

Cut two worst of Cunningham, Francis, Forston, and Armstead.

Cut worst of Bolden and drafted/FA bruising back I expect the Pats to pick up to backup Ridley.

Cut Niko Koutivedes to make room for FA coverage LB to backup or start over Dane Fletcher. Cut an ST DB to make room for Demps in KR while putting DMc in the place of the cut DB.

 

[blackglass3]

I WANT A $10,000 A NIGHT HOOKER! Ahh, a lost Keanu gem...

On board with Osi or trying to get Seymour back in the fold. What's that about DHB? I'd trade for him and take a shot. I have no desire for Dwayne Bowe (DB can also mean 'dropped balls' which he's an expert at) but I like the Ginn signing also. McCourty is usually very hesitant when returning kickoffs, and if Welker stays I cringe every time he fields a punt. Does anyone want Laron Landry? He might be worth it...we all want a hard hitting safety that can put the fear of God into offenses. Spare me the 'he sucks in coverage' argument because Gregory is no champ in that department either and at least Landry can clobber people.

LB's good at coverage? Do they exist and where can we find one? And what's the deal with Michael Boley getting cut by NY? If he's healthy why not bring him in and let him and Spikes battle it out?