In some crazy twist of fate (ala the movie Trading Places) you become the GM of the Pats. Drop your begging cup, get up off your skate-board and tell me your off season plan. Here's mine...... First I immediately ask for some time off to sober up. Then.... I prank call Asante Samuel for ruining our perfect season. I lean back at my desk still fuming and get to thinking about Welker's Superbowl drop. Call his agent and tell him he can get to stepping because as Hawk Harrelson would say: He GONE! Start thinking about our other free agents. Read what I think is a script for a German Six-Million Dollar Man Pilot then realize it is the medical records of Sebastian Volmer : Decide we can't rebuild him. Hear a noise outside my office...look out and see Talib choking a member of the staff. Mark him off my list. Learn the Browns have offered Woodhead exactly five times what I had planned to offer him. Their reasoning being that if they can't hire a coach that can carry Belichicks' jock they can at least sign a player that has been eye-level with it. Frustrated over losing so many free agents I turn on the old boob tube and hear on ESPN that Julian Edelman has went crazy and shot up the Mall Of America in Minnesota. This doesn't immediately concern me as he is an athlete and will undoubtedly walk scott-free but then Adam Schefter reports this incident has vaulted him up to the top of the Bengals wishlist. He signs with them the next day for Megatron money. Edelman leads the headlines for exactly three hours(until the Jets decide to release Tebow)(YES they called a press conference and flew him out on a private Jet) Tebow is interviewed and says exactly 75 times he's excited to NOT be a Jet....2 days later I sign him as our new FB(Josh pumps his fist 5 times) So...I lose a bunch of free agents but save some serious dough I call Jairus Byrd and remind him he plays in Buffalo for the Bills. After a long pause and some awkward man sniffles he begs to come to the Pats. I call up TFB and tell him Welker was trying to sell some underwear on CraigsList he stole off Gisele on that vacation he went with them on and that I told Welker we would not be re-signing him. I tell Brady that if he would be so kind as to restructure for me again I would get him a nice present and wrap it with a big old Bowe. I sign Dwayne Bowe. I celebrate and jump around and stub my damn pinky toe on my desk,just then Brandon Lloyd walks in with that big damn grin of his so I release his *** on the spot. Then I realize I'm thin at receiver so I inform Shane Vareen that he is my new slot guy. Sign Ted Ginn. Take a good look at my roster and realize I am way overpaying an idiot kicker who seems to miss way too much and lacks any clutch factor. I put him on the waiver wire immediately then proceed to call ten different Polish guys and tell them they are fired before I got the right one (I think) Trade Mallett for a third Sign Osi Umanwhatever Select Best Secondary player in the First round Replace Vollmer in the second round WR in the third With the other third trade for a Fourth this year and a Third next Draft a kicker in the fourth Recap: Let Walk: Welker,Talib,Vollmer,Edelman,Woodhead,Arrington Release:Lloyd,Gostkowsomethingorother Sign:Byrd,Bowe,Tebow,Ginn,Osi Draft: CB or Safety in first, Tackle in the Second. WR in the Third. Kicker in the Fourth(Via Mallett trade) Convert: Vareen to slot, Tebow to Fb Watch our offense led by a Healthy Gronk,Hernando,and Ballard at TE. Ridley,Bolden as our load backs. Demps as our 3rd down Weapon back. Vareen tearing it up in the slot. Bowe going deep. Watch our defense with a playmaking safety in Byrd. Armond Armstead becomes the DPOY. Wilfork and Osi eating QB's as well. A Dynasty is born. Menino gives a speech at my statue unveiling years later and says :"People of this fair city will always remember when Tebor went up the middle,and when DJ spiked the ball,and when Armand Hammer knocked the ball into Wil-Spoon's waiting arms and it's all because of this ironic gentleman" It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! Oh crap! Time for my meds!