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Welcome one and all to your annual Patsfans.com rolling Pats Draftnik recap. First, our apologies to the teeming dozens for the Draftnik’s stunned silence to this point. I was still placing frenzied 911 calls to New York’s Finest, pronouncing Bill Belichick missing and presumed murdered by a crazed fanboy, driven mad these many years by the Pats’ refusal to draft edge rusher material or a tall cornerback. They keep claiming BB is alive and well, but I think it’s a giant bug from another solar system in a BB suit. Have cameras caught him drinking big glasses of water with a lot of sugar? No matter. Somebody drafted some front seven guys, and that’s all the Draftnik needs. We’ve been abysmal anyway, only going to five of the last eleven super bowls, and of those, only winning three. We deserve better, and it’s about time Bill – or whoever is playing Bill in the war room this year – recognizes it.
Random note: the Draftnik is somewhat out of it, but has just run across the Indy Fans’ campaign last year, “Suck for Luck.” Evidently, it meant “lose every game you can so we get Andrew Luck,” and the slogan worked. If you’ve ever met the ex-head-cheerleader from an Indy high school, you know it doesn’t always. But hell, the Ralston Purina plant needs fading ex-hotties too, right?
And let me add this disclaimer: The Rolling Draft Re-Cap is a purely satirical exercise, internet tough-guy. Relax and laugh, it’s cheaper than calling a hooker to give you an enema and calling it part of your kink.
Moving right along: without further ado, here is your Pats Draftnik Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap:
Round 1, pick 21, from Cincinatti. Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse; 6’5, 266 lbs. The moon turned blood red, dogs laid down with cats, and the New England Patriots traded up, ah say up, in the 2012 draft. First Cinci signed the Law-Firm, and now that we can’t sue, they steal our third-round pick. Chandler? He’s undersized and gets easily confused, but that’s what they said about Ross Perot, and look where… oh yeah. His brother’s the reigning UFC light heavyweight champ, and now we know who he warmed up on. Needs to come back from a knee injury, never finished college, but by God, he’s an edge rusher. Pats Draftnik Grade: A++++++++
Round 1, pick 25, from Denver, Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama; 6’2, 265 lbs. Denver lost McDaniels, they lost their faith in God, or at least God’s quarterback, and they gained a retread T-Mobile pitchman. Denver’s angry, but they have their revenge on the Pats and the universe: they now have our fourth and our original first, enough to still snag some blue chip O-line talent to… oh wait, that’s right, they traded our old first to Tampa. I’m thinking Josh was the brain of that operation, so far as it had one. Never mind that they’re doing the trade-down-for-value routine usually associated with the Pats. Come to think of it, I can dis the Donks on that one too: can’t have our OC as your head coach, Shanny moved to DC, might as well at least rip off our old draft persona. Hell, we’re not using it anymore.
Right, Dont’a Hightower. Comes with sterling undergrad pedigree, won Steve Jobs Memorial Trophy for Most Likely To Be Autocorrected If You Tweet His Name. Also a first-team all-American, and a finalist for a bunch of awards he didn’t win. Not related to Tim Hightower, but may be related to Reverend Hightower from Faulkner’s Light in August. Okay that’s a straight-up lie. But most people south of Maryland are related one way or another, and sometimes several. Wore gray hoodie at draft, hard not to pick. Plays Will linebacker, or more likely Will Not linebacker, given injury history. So what if he was all-American after the injury? A bum knee is a bum knee…. But, he can rush the quarterback! Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++
Round 2, Pick 48, Tavon Wilson, Free Safety, Illinois; 6’0, 205 lbs.
What’s the singular of Illini? Is he an Illinus? Whatever. He’s one Illin whatever projected to go in one of those rounds they don’t have anymore. You know how the stealth fighter has the radar profile of a hummingbird or something? On most teams’ radars this guy had the radar profile of a stealthed hummingbird. On a sentimental note, Troy Brown happily announced the selection, half suspecting that if they didn’t draft somebody at the position he’d be back to play it by week 12. On the plus side, frequently seen in the same general vicinity as the play, but lacks closing speed. Maybe Bill saw something special in this kid, blah blah blah. This is the Draftnik. We know better. Pats Draftnik Grade: D
Round 3, Pick 90, Jake Bequette, DE, Arkansas; 6'5", 274 lbs. Four-year starter, third generation Arkansas product; father and grandfather both played, as well as his uncle, who rumor has it is also his cousin and brother-in-law. Don't try to diagram it, it was pretty ad hoc. I'm sure it's possible down there. Another guy who can get into the backfield, but the only one who didn't get the memo about standing up defensive ends to make them 3-4 outside linebackers. Says he was "a little surprised" to get linebacker work at the combine, then didn't bench-press, possibly because he thought that's a lineman thing. Is supposed to be Mike Vrabel when he grows up. Versatile like Bill likes 'em, coach him up and if he listens, he's Mark Sanchez' nightmare. Not the one with the toes, the other one with the turf-eating and the whirlpool and the icy hot. At least people in the room knew who he was, unlike Tavon Wilson, who (unless he's another guy but in the witness protection program or something,) came out of nowhere. Not even downtown metropolitan nowhere, the suburbs of nowhere. Seriously. More people knew the whereabouts of Bin Laden three years ago than this Wilson guy. Salmon Rushdie had a higher public profile. Not so Jake Bequette. Average at everything else, lauded for one-on-one skills; has some problems off the edge, but the Smart People say it can be fixed. If not, let him back up the DEs and LBs and play special teams, and see how bad he wants it. Oh wait did I mention he can rush the QB? Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++++++++++++++ The extra plusses are for buying in volume. Bonus: Trade-down gets us back into the fifth round, so the specter of having a weekend to ourselves is now officially dispelled.
Random note: the Draftnik is somewhat out of it, but has just run across the Indy Fans’ campaign last year, “Suck for Luck.” Evidently, it meant “lose every game you can so we get Andrew Luck,” and the slogan worked. If you’ve ever met the ex-head-cheerleader from an Indy high school, you know it doesn’t always. But hell, the Ralston Purina plant needs fading ex-hotties too, right?
And let me add this disclaimer: The Rolling Draft Re-Cap is a purely satirical exercise, internet tough-guy. Relax and laugh, it’s cheaper than calling a hooker to give you an enema and calling it part of your kink.
Moving right along: without further ado, here is your Pats Draftnik Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap:
Round 1, pick 21, from Cincinatti. Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse; 6’5, 266 lbs. The moon turned blood red, dogs laid down with cats, and the New England Patriots traded up, ah say up, in the 2012 draft. First Cinci signed the Law-Firm, and now that we can’t sue, they steal our third-round pick. Chandler? He’s undersized and gets easily confused, but that’s what they said about Ross Perot, and look where… oh yeah. His brother’s the reigning UFC light heavyweight champ, and now we know who he warmed up on. Needs to come back from a knee injury, never finished college, but by God, he’s an edge rusher. Pats Draftnik Grade: A++++++++
Round 1, pick 25, from Denver, Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama; 6’2, 265 lbs. Denver lost McDaniels, they lost their faith in God, or at least God’s quarterback, and they gained a retread T-Mobile pitchman. Denver’s angry, but they have their revenge on the Pats and the universe: they now have our fourth and our original first, enough to still snag some blue chip O-line talent to… oh wait, that’s right, they traded our old first to Tampa. I’m thinking Josh was the brain of that operation, so far as it had one. Never mind that they’re doing the trade-down-for-value routine usually associated with the Pats. Come to think of it, I can dis the Donks on that one too: can’t have our OC as your head coach, Shanny moved to DC, might as well at least rip off our old draft persona. Hell, we’re not using it anymore.
Right, Dont’a Hightower. Comes with sterling undergrad pedigree, won Steve Jobs Memorial Trophy for Most Likely To Be Autocorrected If You Tweet His Name. Also a first-team all-American, and a finalist for a bunch of awards he didn’t win. Not related to Tim Hightower, but may be related to Reverend Hightower from Faulkner’s Light in August. Okay that’s a straight-up lie. But most people south of Maryland are related one way or another, and sometimes several. Wore gray hoodie at draft, hard not to pick. Plays Will linebacker, or more likely Will Not linebacker, given injury history. So what if he was all-American after the injury? A bum knee is a bum knee…. But, he can rush the quarterback! Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++
Round 2, Pick 48, Tavon Wilson, Free Safety, Illinois; 6’0, 205 lbs.
What’s the singular of Illini? Is he an Illinus? Whatever. He’s one Illin whatever projected to go in one of those rounds they don’t have anymore. You know how the stealth fighter has the radar profile of a hummingbird or something? On most teams’ radars this guy had the radar profile of a stealthed hummingbird. On a sentimental note, Troy Brown happily announced the selection, half suspecting that if they didn’t draft somebody at the position he’d be back to play it by week 12. On the plus side, frequently seen in the same general vicinity as the play, but lacks closing speed. Maybe Bill saw something special in this kid, blah blah blah. This is the Draftnik. We know better. Pats Draftnik Grade: D
Round 3, Pick 90, Jake Bequette, DE, Arkansas; 6'5", 274 lbs. Four-year starter, third generation Arkansas product; father and grandfather both played, as well as his uncle, who rumor has it is also his cousin and brother-in-law. Don't try to diagram it, it was pretty ad hoc. I'm sure it's possible down there. Another guy who can get into the backfield, but the only one who didn't get the memo about standing up defensive ends to make them 3-4 outside linebackers. Says he was "a little surprised" to get linebacker work at the combine, then didn't bench-press, possibly because he thought that's a lineman thing. Is supposed to be Mike Vrabel when he grows up. Versatile like Bill likes 'em, coach him up and if he listens, he's Mark Sanchez' nightmare. Not the one with the toes, the other one with the turf-eating and the whirlpool and the icy hot. At least people in the room knew who he was, unlike Tavon Wilson, who (unless he's another guy but in the witness protection program or something,) came out of nowhere. Not even downtown metropolitan nowhere, the suburbs of nowhere. Seriously. More people knew the whereabouts of Bin Laden three years ago than this Wilson guy. Salmon Rushdie had a higher public profile. Not so Jake Bequette. Average at everything else, lauded for one-on-one skills; has some problems off the edge, but the Smart People say it can be fixed. If not, let him back up the DEs and LBs and play special teams, and see how bad he wants it. Oh wait did I mention he can rush the QB? Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++++++++++++++ The extra plusses are for buying in volume. Bonus: Trade-down gets us back into the fifth round, so the specter of having a weekend to ourselves is now officially dispelled.
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