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The Draftnik's Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap

Discussion in 'PatsFans.com - Patriots Fan Forum' started by PatsFanInVa, Apr 27, 2012.

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  1. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Welcome one and all to your annual Patsfans.com rolling Pats Draftnik recap. First, our apologies to the teeming dozens for the Draftnik’s stunned silence to this point. I was still placing frenzied 911 calls to New York’s Finest, pronouncing Bill Belichick missing and presumed murdered by a crazed fanboy, driven mad these many years by the Pats’ refusal to draft edge rusher material or a tall cornerback. They keep claiming BB is alive and well, but I think it’s a giant bug from another solar system in a BB suit. Have cameras caught him drinking big glasses of water with a lot of sugar? No matter. Somebody drafted some front seven guys, and that’s all the Draftnik needs. We’ve been abysmal anyway, only going to five of the last eleven super bowls, and of those, only winning three. We deserve better, and it’s about time Bill – or whoever is playing Bill in the war room this year – recognizes it.

    Random note: the Draftnik is somewhat out of it, but has just run across the Indy Fans’ campaign last year, “Suck for Luck.” Evidently, it meant “lose every game you can so we get Andrew Luck,” and the slogan worked. If you’ve ever met the ex-head-cheerleader from an Indy high school, you know it doesn’t always. But hell, the Ralston Purina plant needs fading ex-hotties too, right?

    And let me add this disclaimer: The Rolling Draft Re-Cap is a purely satirical exercise, internet tough-guy. Relax and laugh, it’s cheaper than calling a hooker to give you an enema and calling it part of your kink.

    Moving right along: without further ado, here is your Pats Draftnik Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap:

    Round 1, pick 21, from Cincinatti. Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse; 6’5, 266 lbs. The moon turned blood red, dogs laid down with cats, and the New England Patriots traded up, ah say up, in the 2012 draft. First Cinci signed the Law-Firm, and now that we can’t sue, they steal our third-round pick. Chandler? He’s undersized and gets easily confused, but that’s what they said about Ross Perot, and look where… oh yeah. His brother’s the reigning UFC light heavyweight champ, and now we know who he warmed up on. Needs to come back from a knee injury, never finished college, but by God, he’s an edge rusher. Pats Draftnik Grade: A++++++++

    Round 1, pick 25, from Denver, Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama; 6’2, 265 lbs. Denver lost McDaniels, they lost their faith in God, or at least God’s quarterback, and they gained a retread T-Mobile pitchman. Denver’s angry, but they have their revenge on the Pats and the universe: they now have our fourth and our original first, enough to still snag some blue chip O-line talent to… oh wait, that’s right, they traded our old first to Tampa. I’m thinking Josh was the brain of that operation, so far as it had one. Never mind that they’re doing the trade-down-for-value routine usually associated with the Pats. Come to think of it, I can dis the Donks on that one too: can’t have our OC as your head coach, Shanny moved to DC, might as well at least rip off our old draft persona. Hell, we’re not using it anymore.

    Right, Dont’a Hightower. Comes with sterling undergrad pedigree, won Steve Jobs Memorial Trophy for Most Likely To Be Autocorrected If You Tweet His Name. Also a first-team all-American, and a finalist for a bunch of awards he didn’t win. Not related to Tim Hightower, but may be related to Reverend Hightower from Faulkner’s Light in August. Okay that’s a straight-up lie. But most people south of Maryland are related one way or another, and sometimes several. Wore gray hoodie at draft, hard not to pick. Plays Will linebacker, or more likely Will Not linebacker, given injury history. So what if he was all-American after the injury? A bum knee is a bum knee…. But, he can rush the quarterback! Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++

    Round 2, Pick 48, Tavon Wilson, Free Safety, Illinois; 6’0, 205 lbs.

    [​IMG]

    What’s the singular of Illini? Is he an Illinus? Whatever. He’s one Illin whatever projected to go in one of those rounds they don’t have anymore. You know how the stealth fighter has the radar profile of a hummingbird or something? On most teams’ radars this guy had the radar profile of a stealthed hummingbird. On a sentimental note, Troy Brown happily announced the selection, half suspecting that if they didn’t draft somebody at the position he’d be back to play it by week 12. On the plus side, frequently seen in the same general vicinity as the play, but lacks closing speed. Maybe Bill saw something special in this kid, blah blah blah. This is the Draftnik. We know better. Pats Draftnik Grade: D

    Round 3, Pick 90, Jake Bequette, DE, Arkansas; 6'5", 274 lbs. Four-year starter, third generation Arkansas product; father and grandfather both played, as well as his uncle, who rumor has it is also his cousin and brother-in-law. Don't try to diagram it, it was pretty ad hoc. I'm sure it's possible down there. Another guy who can get into the backfield, but the only one who didn't get the memo about standing up defensive ends to make them 3-4 outside linebackers. Says he was "a little surprised" to get linebacker work at the combine, then didn't bench-press, possibly because he thought that's a lineman thing. Is supposed to be Mike Vrabel when he grows up. Versatile like Bill likes 'em, coach him up and if he listens, he's Mark Sanchez' nightmare. Not the one with the toes, the other one with the turf-eating and the whirlpool and the icy hot. At least people in the room knew who he was, unlike Tavon Wilson, who (unless he's another guy but in the witness protection program or something,) came out of nowhere. Not even downtown metropolitan nowhere, the suburbs of nowhere. Seriously. More people knew the whereabouts of Bin Laden three years ago than this Wilson guy. Salmon Rushdie had a higher public profile. Not so Jake Bequette. Average at everything else, lauded for one-on-one skills; has some problems off the edge, but the Smart People say it can be fixed. If not, let him back up the DEs and LBs and play special teams, and see how bad he wants it. Oh wait did I mention he can rush the QB? Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++++++++++++++ The extra plusses are for buying in volume. Bonus: Trade-down gets us back into the fifth round, so the specter of having a weekend to ourselves is now officially dispelled.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2012
  2. Why?PJ

    Why?PJ On the Game Day Roster

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    you missed one. And speaking of stunned, that was actually worth reading. I'm shocked.
     
  3. shirtsleeve

    shirtsleeve In the Starting Line-Up

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    Well, I am making a joke about how BB was pumped full of horse tranq's last night and strapped to a radiator, tonight the tranqs wore off and he chewed through the straps. Got me scratching my head again. I kinda got the two A+++ grades backwards from you but thats minor.

    Tonight. There were better S's on the board, like the kid from SC. But what made it worse was the horrible trade down later. No value gained. He used the 3rd round pick to take a project. It was like a Jeckyl and Hyde two days for me.
     
  4. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    I'm with ya Shirtsleeve. Clearly they Manchurian Candidated him to behave in ways he otherwise wouldn't when he hears the trigger phrases "Defensive End" or "WILL linebacker." Rumor has it he overheard one teenage girl gossiping with another, heard her say "Omigawd she's so defensive and," and wandered for three hours looking for their friend Sarah Connor to try to draft her.

    That Tavon Wilson pick still just mystifies me... I spend a lot of time in the political forum and think "Tavon" is just too close... maybe BB had a "reasonable fear" someone else would pick him and pulled the trigger. I dunno about that "stand your ground" war room rule... seems like it could lead to tragedy...
     
  5. Bostonian1962

    Bostonian1962 In the Starting Line-Up

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    I'm mixed on this draft. First, they only had 6 picks because they traded other picks. The fact that they got little for the other picks has to be factored in. O.K., well at least they had 6 picks in the first four rounds. In a perfect world, all 6 of those would become stud players.

    They traded away two more picks in order to get two prime picks in Round 1. I'm happy about that. They also looked good with two 2's, and we could have come out with 4 players that we were all happy about. Those two 2's turned into Tavon Wilson, a 7th Round to free agent type, and a DE rated at the 4th or 5th Round level.

    They've got a 5th now too, but who cares?

    When we all threw around the names of who we might come out of Friday with, with those two 2's, how many of us picked those two names? Maybe if we had two 5ths we would have, but this can not be sugar coated into anything more than a disappointment for me. What a waste.

    The good news is, I thought something like this might happen, so I didn't play draftnik like I have for 40 years. I didn't buy a single draft guide, like I have year after year. I'm now very happy about that, but a bit bummed about this draft.
     
  6. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Seriously, Bostonian? I think the "reaches" are more "first to reach" picks, regardless of team. What "everybody says" is what the clubs are thinking is never corroborated, because NFL teams aren't going to tell you. That's why I've always been so buttheadedly sarcastic about the sport of draftology. There's no such thing as a reach, because you don't know what the other war rooms thought -- whatever Mel Kiper thinks, it could be assumed (for relatively good reasons) that Tavon's stock is soaring, and Mel just doesn't have the inside. Same on any other team's reaches. Projected to be a 5th or 6th or 7th? Whatever you say, draft media. What he was was a 2nd -- thing is we have no proof he would not have been a 2nd anyway.

    Of course, that pick came from the Raiders (I believe,) so it might have been an homage to the memory of Al Davis to burn the pick you got from him so it might go with him to the afterlife, that he might spend it on the Happy Drafting Grounds that the coaching fraternity believes awaits them in the hereafter.

    Who knows.
     
  7. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    And now, for the teeming dozens, the "rolling" part of the Rolling Draft Re-Cap, format-wise. Patsfans.com's "edit" button is a fickle mistress.

    When we last left our Rolling Draft Re-Cap, we were assuring ourselves that we'd have the distinct pleasure of awaiting a fifth-round pick, to extend the treasure hunt that is day 3 of the draft that much longer. Little did we know that Bill Belichick would be released by the crazed fanboys who kidnapped him on day 1, and that he'd trade down more than a debutante-cum-soccer-mom with a crack habit and an affinity for slot machines. And so, the fun just went on and on...

    Round 6, Pick #197, "Nasty" Nate Ebner, DB, THE Ohio State University; 6'0", 205 lbs. Quoted as saying "Did I think I'd be in a position to get drafted? No way." In fact, he didn't actually know the positions in football a couple of years ago. For the curious, here he is in action for Ohio State Sevens: Nate Ebner Ohio State 7's - YouTube

    Don't talk to this kid about conditioning. He played rugby. You know what rugby is? It's football, without pads, and every play is the kickoff. Or you could say it's soccer for people who like to hit, and sometimes bite and maybe stomp, and also catch the ball with their hands.

    Want more? Hilliard Davidson High School - yeah, that close to "Harley" -- but more Hilliard intrigue to come (see below). MVP, Rugby World Cup, '07 and '08, but I'm pretty sure that's the kiddie division. Still, impressive. 2009 Big 10 All Academic team, but you have to think about schools in the Big 10, other than Michigan. Prefers weights to social interaction, and majored in -- I am not making this up -- Exercise Science. He just made Department Chair Dr. Richard Simmons a very proud man.

    You have to think with this pedigree, he'll claw his way onto the special teams roster. Only downside, given where he was drafted: He can't rush the quarterback. Pats Draftnik Grade: B

    Round 7, Pick #224, Alfonzo Dennard, CB, Nebraska; 5'10" 204. Played thug at Nebraska, projects as butt-wipe at the pro level. Got ejected from a bowl game for fighting a receiver, evidently got a lot of guff for picking on wideouts, subsequently went after a cop in Lincoln. Bright lights, big city can do that to a kid, right? Come on. What kind of beef can you get into in Lincoln Nebraska? He managed to do it. Physical corner in man coverage, sluggish when playing off, beats the crap out of receivers at the line of scrimmage, sometimes within the confines of the rules. Great closing speed, only problem's at closing time. With one pick the Pats simultaneously replace Brandon "Stomps" Merriwether and find a cellmate for Ryan Mallet. Huge value for a seventh-round castoff, if he can clean up the act. He'll have to fight for a spot on the team, but that doesn't seem like something he shies away from. But let's close with a uniformly negative Draftnik note: Bill, what have we told you about corners under 6'??? What do we pay you for????? Pats Draftnik Grade: AA, for aggravated assault.

    Round 7, Pick #235, Jeremy Ebert, WR, Northwestern; 5'11, 200 lbs. If you were playing the Wes Welker Comparison Drinking Game at home, it was a long three days -- down the hatch! Ebert's the second coming of Wes, Julian Edelman, and every other shifty slot type that's ever caught BB's eye or for that matter a football, to hear the networks tell it. My first reaction: Is he the fat one or the bald one? My second reaction: Is he a quarterback-rushing WR? No? Eh well, can't have everything.

    The Hilliard Connection continues; attended Hilliard Darby High School. Now you have to wonder what demented film room rat actually spent hours watching Hilliard Darby vs. Hilliard Davidson cross-town rivalry footage, but clearly, somebody did. Either that or he had a beer with Nate Ebner and Ebner talked him into Ebert. And what the hell's with the "Ebs" anyway?

    Back on topic: NW had him at 6'0, 195, but the official stats say 5'11, 200. Now I can see him gaining 5 pounds, but losing an inch of height sounds sketchy. That tells me one thing: Little Guy Complex. Edelman's got it. Welker's got it. Hell, Napoleon had it, and if you think about it, Welker did a hell of a goose step in that one picture. Point is, it's worked for us so far.

    Look for him to compete with a chip on his shoulder. Actually that's his dad, Chip -- athletic director at Hilliard Darby. Says his favorite song is "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, and adds "self-explanatory." Really? Isn't that the song about the abused kid? Okay, that crack about a Chip on his shoulder was really just an innocent pun, I swear.

    In any event, whatever dark sick Hilliard Payton Place (not to be confused with Payton Hillis' place, which was pretty much the most endangered one south of the arctic ice cap until he signed with KC) spawned this kid, it looks like he's got twisted motivation to compete. Pats Draftnik Grade: B. We liked this movie the first couple of times, hell, we'll see it again.

    And that concludes your Pats Draftnik Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap for 2012. We hope you enjoyed the unique draft insights that only the Draftnik can bring. If the scotch doesn't treat the Draftnik too rough, we may return for UDFAs in the morning. For tonight, don't forget to tip your server and have a pleasant end-of-draft evening. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2012
  8. Sciz

    Sciz PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    To be fair, he had a sack on 1/3 of his defensive snaps. And by 1/3, I literally mean one out of three:eek:
     
  9. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    LOL little issue w/the sample size? Now I know how the "four out of five dentists" thing started
     
  10. blackglass3

    blackglass3 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    No Jersey Selected

    *DISCLAIMER - I have no idea what actually happened and I don't feel like Googling it.*

    I can see a kid getting into trouble in Lincoln, NE. Even though it's not as big as Omaha, it is a pretty decent size (for the Midwest) and it is a college town. Lots of bars, lots of drinking, lots of cops tired of dealing with drunk college kids, especially the ones on the Huskers who are treated like royalty (or at least were when I was stationed in Omaha).

    I'm willing to let it play out. I can't kill the kid for being immature and acting up, especially in that city.
     
  11. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Eh, you know how my Draftnik schtick is -- all bluster and hyperbole.

    The incident went like this - it was 2:15 in the morning, someone possibly bumped into him. Whether that happened or not he punched him in the chest. I don't know how hard he punches when drunk but evidently it's hard enough to call a cop. Then he resists arrest and assaults the cop.

    I kept seeing phrases like "repeated off-field issues," and maybe there are more, but all I found was the closing-time dustup and the beating-up-a-receiver fracas. Seems to have a "reputation," and dropped faster than a square of windowpane at Timothy Leary's house. He was projected to be a top 100 pick but plummeted based on character.
     
  12. Simple Jack's Brother

    Simple Jack's Brother Practice Squad Player

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    Well at least this post was better than anything Breer ever put to paper.
     
  13. Patriot_in_NY

    Patriot_in_NY Veteran Starter w/Big Long Term Deal

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    :singing: My favorite part

    Well done sir. :rocker:
     
  14. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    :woohoo: Better than Breer! Better than... oh wait. Well, thanks anyway. And thanks for the well-played, it's fun. :rocker:

    The draft always gives me this Christmas-in-April feeling, only with the Pats it's sort of like you've got this insane family that just refuses to buy you the official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200 shot range model air rifle... only they alternate between buying you a sweater and 10 minutes of Phased Plasma Rifle - YouTube

    Off to take a look at the UDFAs just for kicks...
     
  15. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    2012 Draftnik Bonus - your post-draft UDFA tracker:

    UDFA, Jeremiah Warren, OT, South Florida; 6’2 7/8, 324 lbs. Got our rugby player in Round 6, got our wrestler (Warren), now all we need is a rodeo clown for the cross-train trifecta. Undefeated in his weight class, because nobody else is in it. Leave it to BB to get a value pick, after the picks were in -- noticed he had all these extra-wide “Warren” jerseys, did the math, and figured if the kid made the squad he’d actually save money given the cost of materials, if they’re careful modifying the “9” to make it a “7”.
    PFW says he “plays with a pop in his hands,” and I’m thinking it’s a dreamsickle. Jeremiah, if you read this, I wear glasses and I’m pushing 50. Seriously – it seems he’s uniformly noted for what is not yet but will soon be called Pimphand Technique. Plays angry, competes fiercely, and has the footwork of a guy in a fugitive movie ankle-chained to a corpse that got shot in act 1 scene 1. Once bench-pressed South Beach; evidently feet are still stuck in the sand. Pats Draftnik Grade: C-. How did we sign this guy when 31 other NFL teams didn’t draft him?

    UDFA, Markus Zusevics, OT, Iowa; 6’5”, 303 lbs. Is this O-line heaven? No, it’s Iowa. Projected as a fourth-round pick, Combine pectoral muscle tear did to his stock what the sub-prime crisis did to AIG’s. Ran the 40 in 4.91 seconds, so as soon as extra points are replaced by the winner of a foot-race between the opposing teams’tackles, will add immediate value. High praise from Penn State DE Jack Crawford: “He’s pretty good.” Speculation is that BB misses the days of assembling a team from spare parts, so will try to assemble a lineman from spare parts, grafting the nimble lower body of Zusevics onto Warren’s powerful upper body. May run into ethical concerns. Fu(kin’ Goodell. Pats Draftnik Grade: Lower C

    UDFA, Marcus Forston, DL, Miami; 6’1”, 301 lbs. Lined up as TE in high school, think that caught anybody’s eye? Was out for 2011 campaign, most of the rest of his career thus far, with [your favorite injury here.] Natural athlete, at combine managed to bench 225 35 times without tearing a pec, but has torn everything else; looks like we have more fodder for the FrankenLine experiment. Great 2010. Plays with high motor on those four or five games a year (on average) he’s healthy; you know how some guys are a threat to collapse a play any time they’re on the field? He’s a constant threat to get on the field. Don’t know much else. Well we do know about the recruiting violation thing actually, but other than that... Pats Draftnik Grade: Incomplete but since he’s on the Defensive Line and might one day rush a quarterback, A

    UDFA, Brad Herman, TE, Iowa; 6’4”, 252 lbs according to post-draft sources, 6’5” 255 according to Iowa Let nobody say BB didn’t snag a tight end in this draft, or technically, shortly thereafter. He can run, he can jump, sometimes he can catch – he did the latter all of 18 times at Iowa. Not last year, career. Hoping to achieve a meteoric rise to adequacy at the pro level. Physical ability, special teams chops earn him the chance to run around for a while in August. Not named some variation of “Marcus.” Looks disturbingly like the douchebag in the “revenge of the nerds” movie. I mean, doesn’t this guy look like he should be named “Brad”?
    [​IMG]
    Can easily see this guy in a popped collar at a frat party, not so much in the H-back/TE role. Pats Draftnik Grade: Alpha Alpha Alpha
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2012
  16. MoLewisrocks

    MoLewisrocks PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    First off, I think you were a little tough on Bill's new 2nd round Swiss Army Knife...

    But that said, I spit coffee over our mutual reaction to the Northwestern video...I still have no clue which one he was...:confused2:

    And as for the Hilliard, Ohio connection, some OC's legendary Ohio HS football coach dad is probably PMing whichever team his son works for all the data he amasses on Ohio prospects from birth. Supposedly we were tracking Hoyer on our radar since HS...
     
  17. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    About Tavon, personae aside, I'm an In Bill We Trust kinda guy. There's a reason for the "reach," we just don't know it. And if they picked him high in the second, they figured he would be gone by the end of the second. I'm wit ya. But it's a Draftnik thread... that's a draftnik being rough. If draftniks like to feel smart by saying "oh that was a reach" when you draft a guy in the second when the mediots say he should go in the third... well, this guy is the Mother of All Reaches.

    On the OSU 7s youtube, Ebner's the one the arrow keeps pointing at. Usually the one doing the rugby version of a 100 yard kickoff return, or the rugby version of tackling a guy on a kickoff return. Kind of has a Jewfro, though I have no idea of whether he's a member of the tribe. I don't know how fast rugby guys usually are, but compared to the other guys on the field, well he just doesn't. One of those "hey! that guy's on 78 RPM and we're set for 45," if you're old enough to get the reference. I keep forgetting people were born after the era of actual albums and 45s.

    On the Hilliard thing, wonder how close it is to Canton? (For those not following the McDaniels jag, he went to high school in Canton of all places, and his dad was Thom McDaniels, a legend in Ohio high school football, thanks wikipedia!) But it does bring to mind the electronic medical databases that scare so many people on HIPPA grounds... I just got a vision of McDaniel going through 2032 draft prospects based on sonograms, amnios, and follow-ups...

    Plays with a temper, probably will be collicky; mother complained about kicking by fourteenth week; other twin already seems cowed by presence. Good fetal curl, fast-twitch muscles, large athletic frame, could be a LB with a nose for forced fumbles and recoveries... goes into his turn with amazing agility, comes of turn fluidly in traffic... send guardian angel to Masillon by 2016 to head off violin lessons, bookishness okay...
     
  18. alvinnf

    alvinnf In the Starting Line-Up

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    Great thread. Ross Perot rocks the party, still, now and always. I bet he could rush the passer, or at least, pay him to fall down.
     
  19. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    :D thanks Al... and just for you...

    Ross Perot, Gremlin, Navy; 5'5 1/2", 140 lbs. Intense awareness, sometimes verging on paranoia; great in film room; excels at the chalkboard. Can look lost at times thinking on his feet in press coverage. Can address a deficit on any team that drafts him, and even make other teams more aware of deficits. Shows singular focus, no ability to backpedal, very little understanding of the whole picture. Played gadfly most of his career, projects to be dead. Pats Draftnik Grade: EDS
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2012
  20. Drewski

    Drewski In the Starting Line-Up

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    No Jersey Selected

    PFinVA - Not trying to equate Ebner to an all time Rugby great, but Jonah Lomu was all world fast.

    Played wing for the great All Black teams in the mid to late 90s.

    Lomu was 6 ft 5, 283 pounds and ran 100m (International Rugby doesnt use the 40 yrd) in 10.6 secs. The would put his 40 time somewhere in the neighborhood of 4.25-4.3.

    Dallas tried to pry him away to the NFL but he declined. Anyone interested in seeing this guy in action should search youtube. His skills were amazing. I mean someone the size of Big Willie Mac running a 40 as fast as RG3....freakish
     
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