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Skins: Shunned Snyder looking to sign player to "biggest deal of millennium" (humor)

Discussion in 'PatsFans.com - Patriots Fan Forum' started by Ice_Ice_Brady, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. Ice_Ice_Brady

    Ice_Ice_Brady Rookie

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    Washington (AP)- Redskins’ GM Daniel Snyder is “angry and hurt” about the events that took place on Friday, March 5th, the first day of free agency, according to multiple team insiders. One source, who did not want to be named, expressed that the Julius Pepper deal “did not sit well with Dan. It didn’t sit well at all.” Peppers, a former Panther, leveraged multiple teams to drive up the Bears offer, ultimately resulting in an unnecessarily extravagant contract that will pay Peppers over $14M over the first three years. The problem is that Snyder, who has still controls much of the Redskins’ player decisions despite hiring GM Bruce Allen, prides himself on wasting more money than any other team.

    “To see a team basically outbid the rest of the field by that much,” the source continued. “Made him really upset. Dan looked over the final numbers of the Peppers contract and how much they paid. Then his eyes just kind of sank, and I think he was crying a little bit. I guess he just assumed that Peppers and (Karlos) Dansby were going to call him. He left the office for twenty minutes, and when he came back, he looked at us and just said ‘guys, let’s find a way to make something happen. Let's make the biggest deal of the millennium.'”

    Since Snyder took over the team in 1999, the Redskins have prided themselves on shelling out huge, irresponsible contracts that are not sustainable in the salary cap era, ruining team chemistry and hamstringing the team’s future. Last year, the Redskins signed defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to an astronomically stupid $100 million dollars, including $43 million guaranteed. Ridiculously moronic contracts are not limited to superstars either. In 2007, widely regarded as a monumental year by Snyder, the Redskins led the NFL in flushing money down the toilet by the senseless signings of Antwaan Randle-El, a run-of-the-mill wide receiver from the Pittsburgh Steelers, troubled and unproductive cornerback Fred Smoot, and over-the-hill linebacker London Fletcher, to a combined $76M.

    Tom Reed, a season-ticket holder and decades-long fan, was surprised at the lack of activity on Friday. “I’m surprised there were no ludicrous contracts yet. Usually the fans are given a few weeks of ecstasy, thinking about the possibilities for the next season, believing that one player can really make that big a difference on the field. The Redskins organization presents this guy, whether it’s ‘empty tank’ (Bruce) Smith, ‘crisp’ (Mark) Carrier, ‘jerk’ (Jeff”) George, ‘tripping’ (Jeremiah) Trotter, or ‘joke’ (Rob) Johnson, like he’s a knight in shining armor. After about a year, we realize that glint isn’t gold; it’s a flaming bag of dog excrement on our doorstep, and it’s going to take years to put out.”

    Snyder began his doomed approach in 2000 when he signed an aging, disinterested Deion Sanders to a slap-yourself-in-the-face-stupid contract worth $56M, outbidding himself by a stratosphere in the process. Sanders’ production was never anywhere close to his contract, but Snyder began a legacy that now reaches its second decade. Players whose best years are behind them, or athletic “freaks” that can’t get it done during the game, continue to loot and plunder front office funds, often naming Washington as their first option during a contract year. Since 2000, the Redskins have continued to put an inferior product on the football field, unable to fill basic needs in many positions on the football field since they’ve spent so much on a few players. Last season they bottomed out at 4-12, concluding the worst decade in the NFC East, with a sub-.500 record. “The days of Joe Gibbs are over,” said local radio host Steve Czabian, referring to Gibbs’ past glory and subsequent failure to right a sinking, arrogant ship. “I think Gibbs is still vomiting from the Todd Collins deal.”

    The Redskins will continue to salvage the wrecking effort. “We like to make a splash,” Allen told local reporters last night. “I speak for the whole organization when I say to our fans ‘we’re sorry,’” Allen then explained that Friday’s lack of dumb signings will not be repeated in the future. “Dan (Snyder) and I are committed to finding players that will under-produce, get complacent with their insane money, and continue to devour massive cap space years after they’re cut.” Allen wouldn’t say exactly which players are being targeted, but said he’s looking for an “Archuleta-deal.” In 2006, The Redskins made Adam Archuleta, a very average playmaker whose physical talents always overweighed his limited production, the highest paid safety in the NFL with a $30M contract. Multiple staff members report that Snyder spent Friday night in a tee-shirt and looking very disheveled, scrounging through scouting reports and player databases for potential jerks that won’t come close to being the promised savior of the franchise. According to Michael Clay, a longtime Redskins employee, Snyder “just won’t give it up. This morning I came into the office and his light was still on from last night. He didn’t even look at me. He just said to me ‘Working on a deal. Get (Kevin) Mawae’s agent on the phone. Eight years, a hundred-and-fourteen million. Call him. Now.’"

    Clay continued: "Never underestimate Daniel Snyder. Right now he’s looking at ‘Plan B.’ If he can’t light up gasoline-soaked dollars on the free agent market, there’s always the draft. He doesn’t care who he drafts, but he wants the first pick. He heard that (Ndamukong) Suh wants big money. He’ll take either McCoy (Colt or Gerald), or (Sam) Bradford. He wants this to be historica… maybe $65M in guaranteed money.”

    ice_ice_brady original article. not to be redistributed or reposted without permission.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2010
  2. KontradictioN

    KontradictioN Do you even lift? PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Re: Skins: Shunned Snyder looking to sign player to "biggest deal of millennium" (hum

    Good job. Reads like an Onion article. :cool:
  3. doesntmatter1

    doesntmatter1 Rookie

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    Re: Skins: Shunned Snyder looking to sign player to "biggest deal of millennium" (hum

    Very entertaining. I wouldn't mind reading more.
  4. FredFromDartmouth

    FredFromDartmouth Rookie

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    Re: Skins: Shunned Snyder looking to sign player to "biggest deal of millennium" (hum

    What I really don't understand how idiots like Synder and Victor Kiam or a host of other dodgy owners manage to make make the millions to buy a team. Do they sue their way to the top? (Suing 'Skins fans only latest in Snyder's reign of error - CBSSports.com). Insider trading? What's the deal?
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