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Rolling ignoramous draft roundup

Discussion in 'PatsFans.com - Patriots Fan Forum' started by PatsFanInVa, Apr 23, 2010.

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  1. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Once again, I present the annual Ignoramous Draft Roundup. This year, let's clear this up up-front: SATIRE people, SATIRE. Moving along...

    Rd. 1, Pick 27. Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers. Okay Bill, I have said this for every one of the nine years that I have been a Patriots fan, since jumping the bandwagon on the last play of Super Bowl XXXVI: Stop drafting short corners. You keep doing it. Also McCourty excels at special teams and he’s smart. What are you thinking? It’s like the Pats are committed to their own draft strategy no matter how loudly I yell at my mom’s TV. Oh yeah and by the way, what’s with the theatrics, netting a higher 4th round pick and a 3rd round pick on the way down? Any draftnik can tell you nobody you draft after round 2 will ever play a down, except flukes like Julian Edelmann, Steve Gotskowski, Nick Kaczur, Ellis Hobbs, Matt Cassel, Dan Klecko, Asante Samuel, Dan Koppen, Tully Banta-Cain, Jarvis Green, David Givens, and that QB that backed up Brian Griese, something Brady. And don’t even talk to me about Kenyatta Jones, the only man ever to play that wasn’t even the best Kenyatta in his draft class. Grade = F.

    Rd. 2, Pick 42. Rod Gronkowski, TE, Arizona. The sun rises in the East, Republicans say “No,” and Bill Belichick drafts a TE. This time, he drafts one high, packaging the 44 pick and some other crap to pick a guy who definitely looks like he should be called Gronk. Everybody wants a playmaker. Everybody says he’s a playmaker. News flash: in NE, Gronk will be lucky to catch a cold. He’s going to beat people up on edge rushes and screens and catch 30 balls a year. But 6’6, 264 pounds is a good size to pop safeties, cornerbacks, and linebackers that get in the way of a weak I power toss. Of course every other team in the league passed him up, some of them twice, so I detest this pick. Grade = D.

    Rd. 2, Pick 53. Jermaine Cunningham, DE, Florida. In New England, DE is slang for OLB, and they finally drafted one. From Florida. Where Urban Meyers works. See, Sergio Kindle wasn’t from Florida. Well, at least they addressed my binkie position pick, even if they didn’t pick my draft day binkie. Grade = C.

    Rd. 2, Pick 62. Brandon Spikes, LB, Florida. In New England, MLB is slang for ILB. Coincidentally, the modern Hebrew word for “headlight” is “SILB,” because you form the masculine plural by adding “-im” to the end of a word, and the first carton of headlights the Israelis got was labeled “Sealbeam” – “silbim.” Also supposedly coincidentally, Belichick picks another Florida product, and legally changes his name to Suburban Meyer. Is there any way we can still get Chad Jackson back? I don’t believe in coincidence, and it can’t be that 2 straight Florida products were the best possible choices in their respective spots. Also we didn’t get any extra Tates, so if our 1 Tate goes down, we’re fresh out. We’re too thin at Tate and need to shore up the position. We get our first round pick and our three second round picks in different places, and add two threes and a four. Typical. Grade = Gimel

    Rd. 3, Pick 89. Nofreakinbody. Traded into 2011, which isn't now, and I want more drafting now. Sure it's an extra 2 in 2011, and probably a way higher 2 than the 3 we gave up. BIG FREAKIN DEAL. I paid $4.95 on my goddam Comcast bill to have a sports package and watch the draft and I'll be GOD damned if I'm doing it again in 2011 just to see us trade it for a 1 in 2012. Grade = F.

    Rd. 3, Pick 90. Taylor Price, WR, Ohio. Just so on MNF he can introduce himself as "Taylor Price, Wide Receiver. AN Ohio state university." Explodes off the line, decent size (6'0), not 112 years old, makes acrobatic catches. Not so good at selling fakes and blocking, and we can't have that. "Don't give me a wide receiver who can't block - what am I going to do with him?" All the receivers picked ahead of him were better because they were drafted higher, and we should have used an earlier pick on one of them. Grade = C.

    And that concludes Day One of the Rolling Ignoramous Draft Roundup... check back for the other 10 days of Draftmas or whatever the hell the NFL set up this year, still to come!
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  2. robertweathers

    robertweathers Veteran Starter w/Big Long Term Deal

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    Love the summary except the shot at the GOP.:D
     
  3. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Sorry, should say "Republicans say HELL no!" :D
     
  4. Patriot_in_NY

    Patriot_in_NY Veteran Starter w/Big Long Term Deal

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    Hahaha, he stills thinks he's in the pofo

    Regardless, I loved the post. Very funny.
     
  5. robertweathers

    robertweathers Veteran Starter w/Big Long Term Deal

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    It was. It's all good.
     
  6. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Ha - just can't stop. Well over HERE, no offense guys!
     
  7. blackglass3

    blackglass3 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    No Jersey Selected

    I have come to love this yearly awesomeness!
     
  8. DarrylS

    DarrylS PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Well said.. fun read.

    Cannot wait for rounds 3+
     
  9. TriplecHamp

    TriplecHamp Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract

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    #24 Jersey

    typical idiot. scumbags like yourself need to stop posting about the draft unless you actually watch college football.
     
  10. Zeus

    Zeus PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Outstanding! Can't wait for the sequel.
     
  11. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    It's true though... I gave no respect to Tim Couch or Ki-jana Carter either... mea culpa... :(
     
  12. TriplecHamp

    TriplecHamp Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract

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    #24 Jersey

    haha changed the sig just for this thread ;)
     
  13. SEA_Pat

    SEA_Pat Third String But Playing on Special Teams

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    :rofl: Classic
     
  14. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    And now, since it won't let me edit the original post... Day 3 of RIDR, YOUR Rolling Ignoramous Draft Roundup...


    Rd. 4, #113. Aaron Hernandez, TE, Florida. Because we don't have enough Gators or enough TEs in this draft yet - or, Suburban Meyer strikes again. Undersized, athletic pass-catcher with good speed, but taller than our smurf cornerbacks (BILL I STILL WANT TALL CORNERS,) so he'll look good on the practice squad. Projects as an H back, with the H standing for "HELL NO he can't block someone off the line." Racist note, name me one Latino tight end that's ever made it in the NFL, even with the Chiefs. If Bill Belichick were any more up Urban Meyer's backside he could wear him as a hat. Bill needs to hang out on the beach in Rio to get his fill of tight ends before draft day, then hang out at the 4 x 400 relay at the special olympics to get over his need for special teams. GRADE = D.

    Rd. 5, #150. Zoltan Mesko, P, Michigan The Pats grab the first guy at the position which means it's a reach. Every other punter drafted after this one is better because they're a steal by comparison. Also seriously: a punter? Punters aren't technically even players. What's 20 yards difference in field position? If the Pats picked all the receivers I had on my draft board, well actually my draft trapper-keeper, we wouldn't need to punt. Someone else here says you don't Mess with the Zoltan, and I like the Zeitgeist reference, but I'll do you one better: Zoltán Meskó - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Yes, we drafted a Hungrarian Nazi. Keep the punting bastard away from Edelman is all I'm saying. Grade = SS.

    Rd 6, #205. Ted Larsen, OL, North Carolina State. "Don't give me an offensive lineman who can tackle - what am I going to do with him?" Apparently, put him at center and see whether you won the golden ticket in your Wonka bar. Can a guy be a reach at #205? If Bill has anything to say about it. He's a project, and since I'm a committed draftnik, I have other projects I know would work out better than this one. Little hint going forward, Bill: If a guy gets shifted from defensive line to offensive line, it doesn't necessarily prove he's versatile. It could just mean he's too slow to play defensive line. I consider absence of evidence evidence of absence, so I'm calling this pick an F. If he becomes an all-pro I'll give him a C.

    Tune in later, draftketeers, for my dead-on RIDR observations on several dozen compensatory picks in Round 7 - and until then, happy b1tching!
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2010
  15. resdubwhite

    resdubwhite In the Starting Line-Up

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    No Jersey Selected

    Only because I know thats tongue in cheek. Bravo.
     
  16. patsox23

    patsox23 Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract

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    "Grade = SS" = GENIUS. Well done. Great thread.
     
  17. efin98

    efin98 Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract

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    Great find PFinVa...satire sorely needed and lightened up the mood nicely :D
     
  18. Brady_12

    Brady_12 Third String But Playing on Special Teams

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    #95 Jersey

    Great post. Thanks, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
     
  19. DarrylS

    DarrylS PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Great good stuff, waiting for the wrap up...
     
  20. jeffbiologist

    jeffbiologist Rotational Player and Threatening Starter's Job

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    WOW, Fantastic job! I see what my posts have been missing....I see the forum understands the word SATIRE yet when I say SARCASM and follow it with a short bus or sleeping with your cousin joke people take it seriously! I mean where on earth do you take those types of comments seriously?? Making fun of who we are and what we care about!! MORE!! Thanks!
     
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