Playoff Hunches, No Proof Necessary

[kayla crosslakes]

Hey all,

I wanted to share some thoughts about the first round of NFL playoffs, as well as some picks for this round. Some of my arguments may seem unsupported and lack proof, but I'm 100% confident I'm correct.

Dallas Cowboys v. Seattle Seahawks
I'm sure Tony Romo dropping that snap had something to do with Jessica Simpson. During his regular season success, all anybody could talk about was this Dallas QB who won 4 games in a row, and threw for 5 TDs on Thanksgiving Day. But most notably -- his success landed him Jessica Simpson. Now, there was a lot of talk that it wasn't true, he wasn't actually dating Jessica Simpson, and I can only imagined this really got into his brain heading into the playoffs. Think about it like this. If you're the new kid in school, and all the sudden people start spreading rumors that you're dating the hot, popular girl, you'd feel pretty good -- even Ace your first four pre-calculus tests. But then, overnight, those rumors are retracted heading into the final exam, and suddenly you're supposedly dating the best theater actress in school (this being Carrie Underwood), you'd most likely choke on your pre-cal final, and disappoint your parents. So I imagine this: The ball was snapped, Jessica Simpson popped into Tony Romo's head, he got frustrated and annoyed, started thinking about who he'd like to date in the off-season, a list of candidates went through his head, which included Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, that hot girl from Season 4 of THE OC, Jessica Biel, and definitely Alyssa Milano, and, well... history. I have no proof of this, but I've got strong feelings about it.

Philadelphia Eagles v. New York Giants
I can't help but think Jeff Garcia's recent success is highly correlated with those "He's Gay" rumors Terrell Owens spread about him last year. In fact, I'm convinced that's why he stunk it up on the Lions last season. And I imagine he told himself, "Don't worry, Jeff, you're gonna get another chance to start at QB, you will, and then we'll show 'em who's gay". And by this I mean, perhaps he envisioned winning the Super Bowl, accepting the Super Bowl MVP trophy from the commissioner, and then coming out of the closet at the crest of his success in front of a stadium of screaming fans and an audience of 50 million viewers. The ultimate 'coming-out' party. Terrell Owens robbed him of this fantasy once, but Jeff Garcia is going to snatch it this time around. I have no proof of this, but something just tells me...

New England Patriots v. New York Jets
I truly think Tom Brady's stellar game can be attributed to how embarassed he would be if Vinny Testaverde had to lead the Pats to the SuperBowl. I think he'd play with two broken legs just to keep Vinny off the field. He has a special place for New Englanders in his heart, and just the mere sight of Testaverde starting ANY playoff game would give those states a collective aneurysm. I have no proof of this, but it makes total sense.

Indianapolis Colts v. Kansas City Chiefs
I'm betting Herm Edwards ran the ball consistently against an 8-man line, and failed to pass the ball, was primarily because he was seeking some sort of vengeance for Priest Holmes. The Colts can't stop the run AT ALL, but they were gonna make Trent Green beat them. And he should have. All I can conclude is this: Considering Larry Johnson led the league in rushing attempts, Herm Edwards wanted to make Larry Johnson suffer for permanently taking Priest Holmes job. Nobody remembers that Priest Holmes tore up, TORE UP the league for three straight seasons, and then he just faded away. Herm Edwards must have wanted to protect Preist's legacy (even though Priest never really got one) by making Larry Johnson continue to suffer, and run, and run, and run, and run into Defensive Schemes set up for the sole purpose of hurting Larry Johnson. On some sofa, Priest Holmes watched that game, and smiled for the first time in years. Yes, this is what happened. I'm sure of it.

Playoff Picks (Hunches)

Philly v. New Orleans
Philly is gonna win. Nobody is standing in the way of Jeff Garcia's Super Bowl coming-out speech.

Seattle v. Chicago
Seattle is gonna win. Why? Cause they've got more luck than Chicago. Oh, come on, you know this is true. Stats and logic be damned, Seattle is lucky.

Indianapolis v. Baltimore
I love THE WIRE, best show of all-time, hands down. I can't even watch movies anymore cause that show is so brilliant. Anyway, Baltimore plays host to THE WIRE, and they're gonna win just for that. Although, I'd love to see a Wire-esque show about the plight of small-town Indiana farm workers.

New England v. San Diego
I used to be a HUGE Kansas City Chiefs fan. Don't believe me, my fantasy team last year was named 'Kayla's Barry Word.' So there. Anyway, and trust me on this one, Marty Schottenheimer does not win games like this. You think he'll win with home field advantage and all, but he won't, and it's sad for San Diego. It'll be close, but San Diego will get their hearts broken, and Marty will jog off the field as if the game was just something he had to do on Sunday. An errand of sorts. Check list: Weedwack, Call Paint Store about wrong shade of yellow, play AFC Semi-Final, return movie to Blockbuster on way home.

Anyway, there's some great articles on my favorite site, THE FEMALE FAN, about how girls can enjoy football. It's great stuff. They just did an interview with Packers Full-Back William Henderson. Very funny stuff. You should all check it out. The link is in my signature.

Be easy,

Kayla Crosslakes
__________________
Girls, you gotta check out this site. It tells you all about how girls can enjoy football. I got a lot out of it.

http://femalefan.ivillage.com/entertainment/

 

[The Dude]

Great analysis. I can't stop laughing about Jeff Garcia now

 

[unoriginal]

I don't know what Jeff Garcia has to do at this point to show he's not gay. Marry a second hot wife? Kill a guy?

Philly vs. New Orleans

The key matchup everyone will be watching will be to see if Reggie Bush can out-Brian Westbrook Brian Westbrook, or if Brian Westbook can out-Reggie Bush Reggie Bush. Westbrook will have the better day, because no one will notice him until he has about 150 yards from scrimmage, and everyone will key in on Reggie Bush. Conversely, no one will notice that Westbrook had over 150 yards from scrimmage after Reggie Bush has a jaw dropping 22 yard screen reception for a first down late in the third quarter, before dancing out of bounds at the five in front of a frothing Brian Dawkins. Brees will pick on both Rod Hood and whoever fills the Eagles' nickel slot, and Deuce will run for four times Bush's yardage, but no one will care. Fearless prediction: Reggie Bush wins the game by 14. Teammates credited with the assist.

Bears vs. Seahawks

The Bears won't be playing with Tommie Harris or Mike Brown, which impacts both their ability to stop Seattle from scoring and their ability to score themselves. Darrell Jackson is out for Seattle, but that's okay because DJ Hackett is the only receiver on that team that's earning his salary. On the other side Bernard Berrian will be open all day against either Pete Hunter, or whichever Portland Trailblazer Paul Allen convinces to fill in for Pete Hunter, but it won't matter because Rex Grossman will consistently overthrow him (he's only 6-1). Muhsin Muhammad will probably be covered, but that won't matter because Grossman will overthrow him too. It comes down to who you like more, Seattle's field goal unit or Chicago's field goal return unit. Fearless Prediction: Bears by 6.

Ravens vs. Colts

This looks like a bad matchup for the Colts, but that's because every playoff game looks like a bad matchup for the Colts. Theoretically the Ravens should be able to run on this Colts D, however Jamal Lewis runs like Larry Johnson 2 years from now, or Eddie George four years ago. Still, even that will take at least eight Colts to stop, and Steve McNair is no Trent Green. More importantly, Brian Billick is no Herm Edwards. Look for Baltimore to get a first down sometime in the first quarter, and to have nearly 15 minutes of possession at the end of the first half. They might even be on the scoreboard at that point, but that doesn't matter. All Baltimore has to do is try and lock the Colts into a unfavorable situation on the field, make them fight long and hard over each yard of turf, and threaten to take control (of time of possession). The Colts will secretly abandon Baltimore at halftime, leaving the Ravens as victors by forfeit. Fearless Prediction: Bill Polian will lead the front office in tackles.

Pats vs. Chargers

Philip Rivers will be knocked out of the game in the second quarter when he audibles to an unshaken Diet Pepsi, only to be run over by a blitzing Diet Pepsi Machine. Billy Volek will enter the game and not attempt a pass the entire second half as Marty decides its high time to put his stamp on the team, personally sending in every play with the reminder "And don't fumble the ball." Tomlinson will still score three touchdowns - two on the same play - only to be called away from the field of play by a spotlight signal beamed onto overhead clouds early in the fourth quarter. Despite printed warnings, Charger fans will cheer raucously for Nate Kaeding's last-second 52 yard tying field goal, which wil fall just short due to an errant beach ball coming out of the stands to interfere with Kaeding's focus. Fearless Prediction: Pats by three.