Pats Drafntnik Rolling Recap 2011

[PatsFanInVa]

Before we start: New York draft fans were heard, on separate occasions, booing Peyton Hillis when he thanked God and Jesus, and booing U.S. troops during a schmaltzy and strange patriotic interlude. Now, you can think what you want about such draft-unrelated theatrics, especially on the part of a Commish who might be in the midst of killing the goose that laid the golden egg, but damn. I’m Jewish, and I don’t boo Jesus. The emotional moment between Goodell and his opponent in litigation added drama this year at the outset, which both will look on with something less than fondness when the latter breaks a hand in a meaningless game in week 17. Everybody reached for any quarterback they could think of, marking this as the best quarterback draft since Tim Couch and Akili Smith came out. Minnesota’s choice of Christian Ponder at 12 will prompt Brett Favre to announce a press event around mid-summer announcing his return from retirement, and the realization by everybody else that he won’t go away until Aaron Rogers retires and he can get his old spot back in Green Bay. But we’re Pats Fans, so without further ado, let’s start the 2011 Pats draft recap. Warning: this annual exercise contains humor. I do not literally believe that Bill Belichick wants tackles to play basketball. Farking idiots.

Rd 1 Pick 17: Sebastian Vollmer again. I mean Nate Solder. OT, Colorado. Bill Belichick continues his quest to form a semi-pro basketball team composed completely of offensive tackles. If low man wins, we’re fugged. On the other hand, Vollmer has pioneered the “fallcake” technique, and BB might just be onto something once again. In any event, The Gingerbeard Man’s days in New England are clearly over, unless they’re not. Mike Mayock says Solder’s got great feat and a ridiculously high ceiling, but he’s underpowered. 6’8” and 319 pounds worth of underpowered. I want Mayock to tell him that to his face. Well hopefully we can get Andre the Giant here into the weight room and fix what ails him. If all goes well Tommy Boy will be protected even if we play the Isingard Ents some time in the future. If all does not go well, we now have two white guys that can dunk. But I wanted an edge rusher and I know better than Bill Belichick what this team needs. Pats Draftnik Draft Grade: C-

Edit: One positive note from the Solder thread: cf Solder's response to the first question to Conan's:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7e4YkLkF_0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIASl61N5HU



Rd 1 Pick 28: The Draft Tweet of the Day. Say what you want about the value received (pick 56 in 2011, Saints’ first-rounder in 2012,) we got a great tweet out of Reggie Bush when the Saints traded up to pick Mark Ingram. “It’s been fun, New Orleans,” Bush tweeted, or words to that effect. Chris Ivory’s still green enough to just go “damn” and stare at the TV in his rec room in disbelief. Projected hilarious ironic outcome: Bush becomes instant locker room cancer for mistweeting the situation, ends up shunned by every NFL team, does 3-year reputation rehab stint in Foxboro for $3.50. Okay, I can dream.

To be continued...

 

[livinginthe past]

Good work as always

Looking forward to seeing you working with more material later today.

 

[PatsFanInVa]

Welp, the "edit" button is broken, so this year I'll take the "rolling" part of "Rolling Recap" to heart.

(continued - Day 2 edition)

Rd 2, pick 33 - Ras-I Dowling. CB, UVA. What, I was supposed to say "Virginia?" Lemme tellya something. Nobody down here calls UVA "Virginia." Wah Hoo Wah. In any event, we now have a high-name-character guy, which should help me get over the Pats not picking Prince Amoosemenorah yesterday. It might have been great to have the bona fide source of the nigerian deposed royalty e-mail scam playing on the team, but who can argue with a guy that can call himself "Me, Myself, and -I"?

Ras-I seems to be a somewhat updated version of Ty Law, a corner who can hit. Unfortunately, other guys can hit too. Also, the ground can hit, and in Ras-I's case, some particularly driving rainstorms can hit. Ras-I seems a tad on the injury-prone side, which scared other teams away enough for him to drop to the bottom of the second round. Unfortunately, we picked him at the top of the second instead. But not to worry - it's not like this pick had much trade value.

On the other hand, if you send a DB to New England, you pretty much know he's going to get hurt, so we might as well draft an injured one as a labor-saver. Pats Draftnik Grade: D

Rd 2, Pick 24 - Shane Vereen, RB, California. Okay smart-ash, I know if you're hip you call it "Cal," but I don't live in California, do I? Anyhoo. We just got rid of Lawrence Maroney, and you're telling me we picked a guy named "Vereen"? Am I the only one that thinks BB might just be messing with us? Sure sure, I know Kevin Faulk is 102 years old and we need another one. But... Vereen? Really?

Oh by the way: Yes, they are related.

NFL.com assures us that although he's not particularly strong or fast, he has the lateral mobility to be a good return man. Lateral mobililty. You're killin' me here, Bill. There's a reason nobody talks about a running back that covers the field sideline-to-sideline. At least not in a good way.

I'm hoping for the best out of Pippin, but from recent experience I tend to lean toward "For Faulk's Sake." Pats Draftnik Grade: D-

Rd 2, Pick 60: To Houston, so everybody knows we still do this. We also got picks 73 and 137, which we'll probably change through the magic of BB draft philosophy to get a 1 in 2014, which we'll use on a guy everybody says will go in the third. Pats Draftnik Grade: C

Rd 3, Pick 73: Stevan Ridley, RB, LSU. One cut and go - slowly. Let me explain something about draftnik runningback evaluation: shifty little guys aren't fast or powerful enough. Powerful guys aren't shifty or fast enough. Fast guys aren't powerful or shifty enough. Ergo, I hate this pick. On the bright side, he hits the hole with authority and can force his way through, just like Ben Rothlisberger, but this kid does it on the field. Also, if the hole's too small he makes it bigger, whereas Rothlisberger's never had that problem. Pats Draftnik Grade: C-

Rd 3, Pick 74: Ryan Mallett, Pariah, Arkansas. Prediction: two weeks into training camp before he kicks Hoyer's butt. Not in competition or in any metaphorical sense, I mean he will literally kick Hoyer's butt. Actually, the "off the field issues" that have plagued Mallett seem hopelessly indecipherable. Mike Mayock either had no clue, or else could not utter the unspeakable crimes of Ryan Mallett on network-like television. A little googling got to the bottom of what's publicly known of the evil that is Ryan Mallett. Father-killing? Mother-raping? Father-Raping???? Worse. As a third-year sophomor in college, Mallett was arrested for public intoxication.

Wow. Just wow. Yes, yes, he's the size of a tall linebacker (or a short Pats' left tackle,) yes, he's got a laser rocket arm. But his judgment is terrible, especially after a fifth of Jack. Whose isn't? Apparently everybody in Michigan hated him, prompting Arkansas receiver Jarius Wright to say “Everybody expected him to just be a big douchebag, basically.” Wright also says Mallett throws the damn ball too hard, something we just can't have in New England.

"When the ball hits you dead in your nipple," he opines, "It hurts so bad."

Like a fine scotch, Ryan Mallett might need a few years to mellow. Like a mellow Jagger, time is on our side. Like a fine commercial, we will hear no whine before it's time.

Pats Draftnik Grade: MD 20/20.


Rd 3, Pick 92. Bend over, Al Davis. If Al Davis didn't exist, we'd have to invent him -- to be as good as we are, anyway. So let's get this straight - we give up a low 3rd and a low 4th for what figures to be a middling to high second rounder next year, oh yeah, and a seventh. The trade leaves us fourthless for the time being, but gives the Pats multiple first and second rounders -- again -- in 2012. If there is a 2012. Pats Draftnik Grade: A

 

[PatsFanInVa]

Sick of noblesse oblige. Auto-bump, you peasants.

 

[PatsFanInVa]

Note to the faithful throngs who have returned to complete their Rolling Recap Required Reading this year, only to be left panting and disappointed like a fat girl at a Bon Jovi concert: I really did post the rest yesterday, but the Matrix ate my homework.

However, with the help of an eidetic memory and what I've started calling the Mallet Sunrise Breakfast -- eggs, whiskey, coffee, remorse -- I have reconstructed Day 3 of the Rolling Recap.

Round 4, nobody. We didn't have a fourth this year. This year, of all years! The fourth round was the key to this draft, as anybody with a bag of cheetos, a serious homer hardon, and an orange-smudged draft guide from CVS can tell you. The fourth is where you can start hoping some nimrod from your local not-often-televised college conference can sneak in, and against all odds, the Pats can pick him, as you've been urging since you came up with the thought Thursday morning. And so the Pats Draftnik sat staring at the television for an hour shouting "trade back into the fourth" at approximately five-minute intervals, alone save for the banging noise of a wrench on the pipes coming from Mom's part of the house upstairs. Well if the hag can't hack a Saturday morning draft she can write the commissioner.Pats Draftnik Grade: C-

Round 5, pick 138. Marcus Cannon, OL, TCU. Ryan Mallet's got a cannon for an arm, and now he'll have one for a lineman too. At 6'5", the OT out of TCU will have to be the Muggsy Bogues of BB's OT hoops league, with the exception that Muggsy always knew where the play was going, and more importantly, isn't starring in the remake of "Terms of Endearment." You know how sometimes a player and a team develop bad blood? This guy comes with. Gives the term "locker room cancer" new meaning. Just what we need, a guy who hears "cut block" and thinks "scalpel." I know down at TCU the saying is "You mess with the Frog, you get the Horns," but in Cannon's case, those are just benign growths. Bill has obviously concluded that benching 225 33 times and not showing any signs of illness indicates sky-high potential upside for a fifth round pick. He played left tackle in college, but will either slide to right tackle or move inside as a guard at the pro level. Scored 28 on the Wunderlic, and folks say he's too nice: too much thinkin', not enough drinkin'. But one good bender with Mallet should cure him on both those counts. Unfortunately, won't work with the lymphoma. If all else fails we can line him up as a defensive tackle and call him Chemo Von Oelhoffen. Pats Draftnik Grade: Type B

Round 5, Pick 159. Lee Smith, TE, Marshall. Here's the difference between Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick: Rex drools over pretty feet. Bill's got a perma-boner for tight ends. This year's no exception to the adage that three things are certain, death, taxes, and BB drafting a TE while there are still multiple un-addressed needs. This is good, because we just have so few options at tight end, especially ones who can't catch -- and Agent Smith is that guy. I've seen better hands on Hamas detainees. A little torture joke there. What I'm saying is Smith couldn't catch the clap in a Bangkok brothel, or for that matter on a Vikings team boat cruise. What he lacks in surehandedness, he makes up for in mediocre blocking skills, and with some coaching help, could shoot straight up to adequacy. And yet, still no edge rusher. Pats Draftnik Grade: D+

Round 6, Pick 194. Markell Carter, LB, Central Arkansas. Oh that crafty Bill Belichick, eschewing schools like USC, Texas, and even Fresno State (this year,) and zeroing in on a place that has to differentiate itself by the part of Arkansas it's in. Isn't that sort of like naming a school "Southern Alaska?" So to answer your first two questions, yes there are colleges in Arkansas other than Arkansas, and yes they are large enough to have football teams. To answer your next question, to wit, what the hell is a Markell Carter: He's the answer to your pass rush prayers, if we decide to play against teams without offensive lines. He's quick, he's fast, and he can't shed a writer's block. But if you're looking for a linebacker who's not strong, has less containment ability than a tsunami-ravaged Japanese nuclear plant, can't play the run, reads the field like Dexter Manley reads the New York Times, and has all the instincts of the fabled dodo bird, Carter's your guy. But no big whoop. I mean, what have we ever gotten with a 6 anyway? Pats Draftnik Grade: C-, and that's being generous because I have no idea who these other guys are being drafted now anyway.

Rd 7, Pick 219. Malcolm Williams, DB, TCU. What was it, two-for-one day at the TCU campus? Draft a tackle, take home an Arena-league "small", no extra charge? Impressive leaper, no ball skills, stiff hips, and oh yeah, Bill, what have I told you about short cornerbacks? Can leap tall buildings in a single bound, which should be handy if he forgets his ID and needs to get on the practice field -- which, by the way, is the only field this kid will see. Pats Draftnik Grade: C. Even at 219.

And this, dear reader, concludes the Rolling Draftnik Recap for 2011. The future looks dire indeed, until such time that I can move from my Microserf cube-dwelling college-loan-paying job into the comfy confines of Gillette, but that won't happen no matter how much I click the "e-mail the coaches" button on Patriots.com. It's time to face facts: Until we replace Bill Belichick with a coach that understands how to win in the NFL, we can look forward to draft after draft of this quality for our poor benighted, beleaguered, and beloved New England Patriots.

So, until 2012 -- if there is a 2012 -- this is the Pats Draftnik Recap staff, signing off.

 

[363839]

I thought this was great stuff, PFiVa.
I cracked up at that Roethlisberger quip. :singing:

 

[PatsFanInVa]

Thanks 363839... I have to do one of these every year to counter the nonsense from "real" draftniks... all in good fun, of course!

 

[Keyser Söze]

I remember a standing ovation when the soldiers came out...

 

[ctpatsfan77]

Rd 3, Pick 74: Ryan Mallett, Pariah, Arkansas.