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  1. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Maybe this thread won't get the mod squad's panties in a wad...
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Heard a good joke lately?
  2. dalero

    dalero PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where Satan is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here says Satan,you're on my list and have to stay here but I'm out of room. Tell you what. I have three people here that weren't quite as bad as you.I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide.

    George thought it sounded fair and agreed.
    Satan opened the first room and in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water.He kept resurfacing over and over gasping for air. No way hollers George. I can barely swim, there's no way I can do that day in and out.

    Satan opens the second door where Tony Blair is pounding huge rocks with an incredibly huge hammer only to have the pile reappear after he finished. George says with my bum shoulder I'd never be able to do this.

    Satan opens the third door and George sees Bill Clinton stark naked With his hands and feet staked firmly to the ground. Monica is bent over him doing what she does best. George says hmmm, you know what Satan, I think I can live with this. Satan declares DONE DEAL!! Monica get your things, your leaving.

    Note: I'm an atheist and non political so save your rants it's just a joke.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2007
  3. dalero

    dalero PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    How Yodeling Was Invented


    Way back in the year whatever a traveler was exploring the Alps. After many days of hiking he came upon a small dwelling. He knocks on the door and the man of the house appears. He explains how long he's been traveling and would appreciate a warm dry place to sleep for the night. The farmer tells him that he's welcome to stay out in his back building as it's cozy and plenty of dry hay to make a bed. The traveler graciously accepts. When the farmers wife comes in from her washing her husband tells her about their guest. She says oh my, the poor man must be starving. I have some old bread and cheese that I'll bring out to him. Fortyfive minutes later the wife returns to the house with a rumpled dress, straw in her hair and a suppressed smile. Her daughter asks her where she's been. She explains that she just brought food to a starving guest. The daughter thinks to herself that this poor guy could use something to drink. She grabs a bottle of their homemade wine and heads out to the shack. Fortyfive minutes later she returns with a rumpled dress,hair full of straw, and a wide grin. The next morning the farmer awakes to his daughters bellowing cry. He runs out and asks her what's the matter. She tells him that The traveler promised to stay with her forever, took her virtue and now he's gone! The farmer is infuriated. Spying the mountainside he spots the traveler already half way up the mountain.
    "You SOB" the farmer screams at him. "You take my daughters virginity and run off,I'll get you!!Hearing this the traveler looks down on him, cups his hands to his mouth and bellows....













    ILAIDTHEOLDLADYTOOOOOOO
  4. gomezcat

    gomezcat It's SIR Moderator to you Staff Member PatsFans.com Supporter

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    :D. Great joke!
  5. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Bubba

    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
    So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
    "President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
    Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
    So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    The new Pope," his boss replies.
    "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
    So, off they fly to Rome.
    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
    He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
    Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
  6. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    The Nun and Hooters
    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
    But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
  7. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    The Most Functional English Word THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

    Well, it's sh!t ... that's right, sh!t!
    Sh!t may just be the most functional word in the English language.

    Consider:
    You can get sh!t-faced, Be sh!t-out-of-luck, Or have sh!t for brains.

    With a little effort, you can get your sh!t together, find a place for your sh!t, or be asked to sh!t or get off the pot.

    You can smoke sh!t, buy sh!t, sell sh!t, lose sh!t, find sh!t, forget sh!t, and tell others to eat sh!t.

    Some people know their sh!t, while others can't tell the difference between sh!t and shineola.

    There are lucky sh!ts, dumb sh!ts, and crazy sh!ts. There is bull sh!t, horse sh!t, and chicken sh!t.

    You can throw sh!t, sling sh!t, catch sh!t, shoot the sh!t, or duck when the sh!t hits the fan.

    You can give a sh!t or serve sh!t on a shingle.

    You can find yourself in deep sh!t or be happier than a pig in sh!t.

    Some days are colder than sh!t, some days are hotter than sh!t, and some days are just plain sh!tty.

    Some music sounds like sh!t, things can look like sh!t, and there are times when you feel like sh!t.

    You can have too much sh!t, not enough sh!t, the right sh!t, the wrong sh!t or a lot of weird sh!t.

    You can carry sh!t, have a mountain of sh!t, or find yourself up sh!t creek without a paddle.

    Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh!t and other times you fall in a bucket of sh!t and come out smelling like a rose.

    When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

    And remember, once you know your sh!t, you don't need to know anything else!!

    You could pass this along, if you give a sh!t; or not do so if you don't give a sh!t!

    Well, Sh!t, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a sh!t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of sh!t. But, if you happened to catch a load of sh!t from some sh!t-head...........
    Well, Sh!t Happens!!!
  8. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Taking a woman to bed Taking a woman to bed

    What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

    At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

    At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

    At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

    At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

    At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

    At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

    At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

    At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
  9. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Gates vs. GM
    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
    characteristics (and I just love this part):

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
    pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
    reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
    accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
    down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
    as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
    a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
    let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
    hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
    over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.
  10. fleabassist1

    fleabassist1 Rookie

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    #12 Jersey


    Number 5 is so true.
  11. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
    The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
    After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
    "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
  12. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Chinese tortures A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
    Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
    "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
    "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
    quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
  13. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    A drunk
    A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
    'They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator,' he cried out.
    However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. 'Never mind,' said the drunk with a hiccup, 'I got in the
    backseat by mistake.'
  14. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Magic Beer
    A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
    She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
    "Magic Beer", he says.
    She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
    "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
    "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
    The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
    He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
    She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
    She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
    The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
  15. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    The Pope
    The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by thereception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
    All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
    The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
    God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
  16. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    His execution
    A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
    On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
    "Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
    "Yes", answers the executioner.
    "Can I have that green banana?"
    The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
    When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
    "Can I go then?", the man asks.
    "I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
    The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
    The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
    The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
    "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
    The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
    Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
    The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
    Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
    The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
    "What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
    "Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
    The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
    "I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.
  17. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

    Terry Glenn is a cowgirl Banned

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    Commit suicide
    A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
    "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
    "No, silly!" the blonde said.
    "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
    "So, then?" asked the doctor.
    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
    "So, then?"
    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
  18. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

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    George and the Dragon

    An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
    The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
    The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
    "Could I have a pint of ale?"
    "No!" she shouted.
    "Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
    "No!" she shouted again.
    The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
    "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
    "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
  19. kmac14

    kmac14 Rookie

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    HER DIARY
    Tonight I thought he was acting weird. I was shopping with my friends all day long and had gone to dinner with them as well, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing and I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. I told him that I loved him, and he reluctantly smiled. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. I feel as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and stared at the television. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
    HIS DIARY
    Tonight, the Patriots lost to the Colts, but at least I got laid.
  20. Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

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    Speeding Farmer
    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
    So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
    they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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