After yet another season of watching glaring and frustrating inconsistencies in officiating, I've been thinking of some sure-fire rules changes to completely take the hassle of making calls out of the hands of the officiating crew, thereby making the game more streamlined and thus more enjoyable to watch. Who cares whether the players or coaches get fair treatment; they're gettin' paid regardless. 1. All Offensive players whose assignment is to block the opposing player must tape their fingers together. This will eliminate offensive holding calls. This new rule includes tight ends, running backs, and quarterbacks, since they may occasionally be called upon to block. 2. Defensive backs are to be required to wear heavy Doc Marten's boots. This will help to ensure that coverage is sufficiently hobbled; in the event that the defenders might overcome this very reasonable impediment, pockets will be included in their uniform pants wherein the defender's hands must always be inserted when the ball is in play. 3. Field goal tries will be eliminated. If an offense stalls inside the opponent's side of the ball, three points shall be awarded. We can't be having the chance that a kicker might be injured. 4. Illegal hands to the face will be expanded to include any player who raises his hands, taped or not, above his own shoulders. Proximity is relative, after all. 5. The home team never loses, unless playing in a swamp in northern New Jersey. 6. Any coach of any AFC team based in New Jersey must guarantee a Super Bowl victory on or before the first Tuesday following the First Monday of each July. 7. The opening coin toss will be replaced by rock-paper-scissors, best two out of 3. Feel free to add yours lol.