ironwasp
Rotational Player and Threatening Starter's Job
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First ever attempt at a mock draft. Please be gentle.
1 – Oakland Raiders – There are so many problems on offence for this team, it’s difficult to know exactly where to start. A smart man might be tempted to plump for Joe Thomas, whose presence at left tackle would go some way to helping keep FA signing RB Dominic Rhodes and whichever poor soul ends up playing QB upright and healthy through week three. But there’s no smart man available to take decisions in Oakland, just Crazy Al, and he’s going to want either JaMarcus Russell or Calvin Johnson. Both are incredible prospects, and much will depend on the Raiders ability to find another team to take professional malcontent Randy Moss of their hands. If Moss goes, and I think he will, then Crazy Al has a ready-made issues-free replacement in the Georgia Tech receiver. He can worry about QB later.
Pick: Calvin Johnson WR
2 – TRADE Arizona Cardinals from Detroit Lions– Matt Millen had his obsessive, compulsive finger over the button marked Calvin Johnson but is saved from himself by Crazy Al. With Johnson gone, Millen, with the huge needs this team has, figures he can load up with more picks by trading down to pick five with the Cardinals, who want Joe Thomas badly enough to give up a second and late rounder to get him.
Pick: Joe Thomas OT
3 – Cleveland Browns – Does anyone really believe that Charlie Frye is really the man to lead the Browns back from the depths of despair? Anyone, other than Mrs Frye? Romeo Crennel doesn’t, and is delighted to find JaMarcus Russell falling into his lap in a pick that he had been strongly considering using on Sooners RB Adrian Peterson.
Pick: JaMarcus Russell QB
4 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Through tear-filled eyes Chucky Gruden watched Calvin Johnson run his 4.32s all the way to the Bay area leaving a huge void in Chucky’s heart and on his draft board. Poor old Chucky. All those QBs and nobody for them to throw the ball to. He fills the void with a much-needed infusion of youthful zest and massive potential on the defensive line where a replacement is still needed for Booger MacFarland.
Pick: Amobi Okoye DT
5 – TRADE Miami Dolphins from Detroit Lions (from Arizona) – Millen’s on a roll, and now he’s started trading he can’t stop himself. It’s just like drafting receivers! Pick-heavy Miami uses one of its two second rounders to jump ahead of Minnesota and Houston in the Brady Quinn Derby, because new coach Cam Cameron needs a QB without a gimpy knee, and who is not named after a citrus fruit.
Pick: Brady Quinn QB
6 – Washington Redskins – “On the clock, the Washington Redskins!” “Hey Joe, wake up, it’s out turn. Yes our turn to pick. What do you mean you’ve forgotten how? No I don’t know either, I’ve only been here three year, of course I don’t know what we do. No, I think it’s too late to trade it to Oakland for Jerry Porter and Andrew Walter, Crazy Al’s gone off to get his meds. Look we’re just going to have to be brave and take the pick. Well, how about we shore up the league’s worst run defence? How about that big guy? The one from Michigan? Deion something? Plays nose tackle. You know the guy, we interviewed him in Indianapolis. Yes, you liked his sneakers. Phew. OK, that’s done. You can go back to sleep now, we don’t have to go through that ordeal again until 2011.”
Pick: Alan Branch DT
7 – Minnesota Vikings – Another hysterical head coach, cussing because he’s missed his main chance. You should have traded up Brad, oh yes you should. That could have been you picking up Brady Quinn, and it should have been because there’s no guarantee that Tavaris Jackson is an upgrade over Brad Johnson. It may not matter too much, because your leading WR can’t see clearly enough to catch the ball. But at least he has an excuse, unlike Koren Robinson. There are receivers out there to fill your gap, but none worth reaching for. You could have used the pick to take the draft’s best tight end, but you sprayed money around like PacMan Jones on Visanthe Shiancoe. You’re lucky you’ve still got a job. You’re in a bit of a mess, Brad, so do the right thing and take the best defensive player still available.
Pick: Gaines Adams DE
8 – Atlanta Falcons – Jim Mora might have made a total ass of himself on his way out of town, but he’s probably pleased he’s not him on the clock right now, because if Atlanta had the next three picks as well as this one it would still have more holes than a Swiss cheese. But the Matt Schaub trade does at least mean that when Mike Vick starts getting uppity and leading the Falcons rapidbly downhill, there won’t be a QB controversy. Hey Mike, pass the water bottle for me, would ya?
Pick: LaRon Landry S
9 – Detroit Lions from Miami Dolphins via Arizona – Here’s Matt! And this time he’s picking. Naturally he’s interested in Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett, but members of the Lions coaching and scouting staff shackle him to his chair out of reach of the Batphone, and Millen can only watch on in horror as his team fill the Lions’ biggest need with the selection of the best CB in the draft.
Pick: Leon Hall CB
10 – Houston Texans – The NFL introduces a rule that dictates that teams that don’t use draft picks sensibly one year should be punished the following year. So Gary Kubiak has to go up on stage wearing a dunces cap, and write “We should have drafted Reggie Bush last year” 200 times on a white board in the Texans’ allotted 15 minutes or he and the Texans drop to pick number 32 and everyone else moves up one. Kubiak squeaks in in 14 minutes and 45 seconds and Matt Schaub breathes a huge sigh of relief as the Texans do for him what they never did for David Carr.
Pick: Levi Brown OT
11 – San Francisco – You have to pity the poor bugger who arrives in town as the saviour of the once-proud 49ers receiving corps – whatever he does it won’t be enough for fans to compare him favourably with Jerry Rice. Whether Ted Ginn Jr can cope with that burden only time will tell.
Pick: Ted Ginn Jr WR
12 – Buffalo – The octogenarians take the stand. The Bills senior management took their meds and have slept through most of the off-season so far, waking only long enough to over-pay for Derrick Dockery. But on this occasion fortune favours the dozy, as the lucky, lucky Bills cannot believe that the draft’s stud running back falls into their soup-stained laps.
Pick: Adrian Peterson RB
13 – St Louis Rams – That burning breeze you can feel going past you is yet another back torching the Rams run defence. With Frank Gore, Shaun Alexander and Edgerrin James on the schedule twice each next year, the Rams had better reload on their line or they may as well start the season 0-6. With most of the stars on the line gone, the Rams break a lot of hearts in New England.
Pick: Patrick Willis LB
14 – Caroline Panthers – Carolina’s offence was so anemic in 2006 it’s a wonder it didn’t faint. But in a terrible year to be a QB called Jake, Delhomme managed to sneak just enough wins through to put the Panthers into a position where they can’t upgrade him just yet. With limited options available elsewhere the Panthers give Delhomme take away one more excuse for failure
Pick: Greg Olsen TE
15 – Pittsburgh Steelers – The biggest post-season transaction in the ‘Burgh to this point has been new head coach Mike Tomlin trading Ben Roethlisberger’s Harley in for a seventh round pick and a 1.8L Volvo station wagon with side impact bars to the Minnesota Vikings. This came after talks aimed at securing a brain transplant broke down when medical tests showed that Roethlisberger had nothing to trade. A mere 15 months after winning the Superbowl the Steelers look like they are about to enter a rebuilding phase, and the D looks like it needs more help than the O right now.
Pick: Adam Carriker DE
16 – Green Bay Packers – Lord Favre looked down from his heavenly kingdom to survey his earthly creation and saw that it was not good. Not good at all. Crap, in fact. Lord Favre summoned his minion, serf McCarthy and on the first day he said: “I need speed on the outside”. And so the serf went forth and tried to trade for Lord Randy of Turd, as written (badly) in the book of Felger, chapter two, verse three. But he failed and the wrath of Lord Favre was great and awesome to behold. And so he summoned his minion, serf McCarthy again, and he said: “I need speed from the backfield”. And with steel in his eyes, he dared the minion not to fail him a second time.
Pick: Marhsawn Lynch RB
1 – Oakland Raiders – There are so many problems on offence for this team, it’s difficult to know exactly where to start. A smart man might be tempted to plump for Joe Thomas, whose presence at left tackle would go some way to helping keep FA signing RB Dominic Rhodes and whichever poor soul ends up playing QB upright and healthy through week three. But there’s no smart man available to take decisions in Oakland, just Crazy Al, and he’s going to want either JaMarcus Russell or Calvin Johnson. Both are incredible prospects, and much will depend on the Raiders ability to find another team to take professional malcontent Randy Moss of their hands. If Moss goes, and I think he will, then Crazy Al has a ready-made issues-free replacement in the Georgia Tech receiver. He can worry about QB later.
Pick: Calvin Johnson WR
2 – TRADE Arizona Cardinals from Detroit Lions– Matt Millen had his obsessive, compulsive finger over the button marked Calvin Johnson but is saved from himself by Crazy Al. With Johnson gone, Millen, with the huge needs this team has, figures he can load up with more picks by trading down to pick five with the Cardinals, who want Joe Thomas badly enough to give up a second and late rounder to get him.
Pick: Joe Thomas OT
3 – Cleveland Browns – Does anyone really believe that Charlie Frye is really the man to lead the Browns back from the depths of despair? Anyone, other than Mrs Frye? Romeo Crennel doesn’t, and is delighted to find JaMarcus Russell falling into his lap in a pick that he had been strongly considering using on Sooners RB Adrian Peterson.
Pick: JaMarcus Russell QB
4 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Through tear-filled eyes Chucky Gruden watched Calvin Johnson run his 4.32s all the way to the Bay area leaving a huge void in Chucky’s heart and on his draft board. Poor old Chucky. All those QBs and nobody for them to throw the ball to. He fills the void with a much-needed infusion of youthful zest and massive potential on the defensive line where a replacement is still needed for Booger MacFarland.
Pick: Amobi Okoye DT
5 – TRADE Miami Dolphins from Detroit Lions (from Arizona) – Millen’s on a roll, and now he’s started trading he can’t stop himself. It’s just like drafting receivers! Pick-heavy Miami uses one of its two second rounders to jump ahead of Minnesota and Houston in the Brady Quinn Derby, because new coach Cam Cameron needs a QB without a gimpy knee, and who is not named after a citrus fruit.
Pick: Brady Quinn QB
6 – Washington Redskins – “On the clock, the Washington Redskins!” “Hey Joe, wake up, it’s out turn. Yes our turn to pick. What do you mean you’ve forgotten how? No I don’t know either, I’ve only been here three year, of course I don’t know what we do. No, I think it’s too late to trade it to Oakland for Jerry Porter and Andrew Walter, Crazy Al’s gone off to get his meds. Look we’re just going to have to be brave and take the pick. Well, how about we shore up the league’s worst run defence? How about that big guy? The one from Michigan? Deion something? Plays nose tackle. You know the guy, we interviewed him in Indianapolis. Yes, you liked his sneakers. Phew. OK, that’s done. You can go back to sleep now, we don’t have to go through that ordeal again until 2011.”
Pick: Alan Branch DT
7 – Minnesota Vikings – Another hysterical head coach, cussing because he’s missed his main chance. You should have traded up Brad, oh yes you should. That could have been you picking up Brady Quinn, and it should have been because there’s no guarantee that Tavaris Jackson is an upgrade over Brad Johnson. It may not matter too much, because your leading WR can’t see clearly enough to catch the ball. But at least he has an excuse, unlike Koren Robinson. There are receivers out there to fill your gap, but none worth reaching for. You could have used the pick to take the draft’s best tight end, but you sprayed money around like PacMan Jones on Visanthe Shiancoe. You’re lucky you’ve still got a job. You’re in a bit of a mess, Brad, so do the right thing and take the best defensive player still available.
Pick: Gaines Adams DE
8 – Atlanta Falcons – Jim Mora might have made a total ass of himself on his way out of town, but he’s probably pleased he’s not him on the clock right now, because if Atlanta had the next three picks as well as this one it would still have more holes than a Swiss cheese. But the Matt Schaub trade does at least mean that when Mike Vick starts getting uppity and leading the Falcons rapidbly downhill, there won’t be a QB controversy. Hey Mike, pass the water bottle for me, would ya?
Pick: LaRon Landry S
9 – Detroit Lions from Miami Dolphins via Arizona – Here’s Matt! And this time he’s picking. Naturally he’s interested in Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett, but members of the Lions coaching and scouting staff shackle him to his chair out of reach of the Batphone, and Millen can only watch on in horror as his team fill the Lions’ biggest need with the selection of the best CB in the draft.
Pick: Leon Hall CB
10 – Houston Texans – The NFL introduces a rule that dictates that teams that don’t use draft picks sensibly one year should be punished the following year. So Gary Kubiak has to go up on stage wearing a dunces cap, and write “We should have drafted Reggie Bush last year” 200 times on a white board in the Texans’ allotted 15 minutes or he and the Texans drop to pick number 32 and everyone else moves up one. Kubiak squeaks in in 14 minutes and 45 seconds and Matt Schaub breathes a huge sigh of relief as the Texans do for him what they never did for David Carr.
Pick: Levi Brown OT
11 – San Francisco – You have to pity the poor bugger who arrives in town as the saviour of the once-proud 49ers receiving corps – whatever he does it won’t be enough for fans to compare him favourably with Jerry Rice. Whether Ted Ginn Jr can cope with that burden only time will tell.
Pick: Ted Ginn Jr WR
12 – Buffalo – The octogenarians take the stand. The Bills senior management took their meds and have slept through most of the off-season so far, waking only long enough to over-pay for Derrick Dockery. But on this occasion fortune favours the dozy, as the lucky, lucky Bills cannot believe that the draft’s stud running back falls into their soup-stained laps.
Pick: Adrian Peterson RB
13 – St Louis Rams – That burning breeze you can feel going past you is yet another back torching the Rams run defence. With Frank Gore, Shaun Alexander and Edgerrin James on the schedule twice each next year, the Rams had better reload on their line or they may as well start the season 0-6. With most of the stars on the line gone, the Rams break a lot of hearts in New England.
Pick: Patrick Willis LB
14 – Caroline Panthers – Carolina’s offence was so anemic in 2006 it’s a wonder it didn’t faint. But in a terrible year to be a QB called Jake, Delhomme managed to sneak just enough wins through to put the Panthers into a position where they can’t upgrade him just yet. With limited options available elsewhere the Panthers give Delhomme take away one more excuse for failure
Pick: Greg Olsen TE
15 – Pittsburgh Steelers – The biggest post-season transaction in the ‘Burgh to this point has been new head coach Mike Tomlin trading Ben Roethlisberger’s Harley in for a seventh round pick and a 1.8L Volvo station wagon with side impact bars to the Minnesota Vikings. This came after talks aimed at securing a brain transplant broke down when medical tests showed that Roethlisberger had nothing to trade. A mere 15 months after winning the Superbowl the Steelers look like they are about to enter a rebuilding phase, and the D looks like it needs more help than the O right now.
Pick: Adam Carriker DE
16 – Green Bay Packers – Lord Favre looked down from his heavenly kingdom to survey his earthly creation and saw that it was not good. Not good at all. Crap, in fact. Lord Favre summoned his minion, serf McCarthy and on the first day he said: “I need speed on the outside”. And so the serf went forth and tried to trade for Lord Randy of Turd, as written (badly) in the book of Felger, chapter two, verse three. But he failed and the wrath of Lord Favre was great and awesome to behold. And so he summoned his minion, serf McCarthy again, and he said: “I need speed from the backfield”. And with steel in his eyes, he dared the minion not to fail him a second time.
Pick: Marhsawn Lynch RB
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