I am Rex Grossman and here is my blog...

[OsloRhino]

"Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? **** it. I'm throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But **** that. Dumpoff passes are for ***gots. I'm ******* Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my **** hard.

What's that? I should throw a quick slant? **** that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is ******* football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that ****. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving **** out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a *****. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She ******* wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh ****. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt ******* great to throw that ****. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the ******* eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am ******* out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I ****. That's how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am."

 

[njpatsfan]

 

[OsloRhino]

Grossman's blog... and now Eli Mannings too!

I Wish Everyone Had Listened When I Said My Favorite Sport Was Squash

Do you see now, people? Have you finally fu.cking figured it out?

I do not like football. I don't know how much clearer I can make that point. This sport blows. Everyone's running around and hitting each other... yikes. All I wanted when I was a kid was to hang out with my mom in the kitchen and make some zucchini bread. But nooooo, everyone's all like, "You're a Manning. You should play football!"

**** that. You should hear my dad in interviews. "We never pushed football on the boys..." Yeah right, old man. I just fell into this **** naturally. It had nothing to do with the family football games we played every afternoon for SEVENTEEN FU(KING YEARS, Dad. Or the film study sessions after dinner. No, that was for fun. Ass.

And Peyton! Guhhhhh, what a ******* ****wad. "Hey, Dad! I've memorized the playbook!" "Hey Dad, want to go look at your old game films?" "Hey Dad, I audibled to a slant-and-go pattern!" Funking brownnoser. Hey Peyton, I just threw two picks and blew a game to Tennessee because I'm not as good as you! Isn't that exciting? Twatface.

But those two aren't even the worst offenders in my family. No, I always get Cripple Boy pulling me aside and spouting off some shyte like, "Cherish these games, Eli. You're lucky to be playing in them." Oh, yeah? I got crazed loons like Albert Haynesworth trying to chase me down and stomp on my ******* nuts. Does that sound like fun to you, Cooper? You get to sell real estate and ride Jet Skis on weekends. Meanwhile, I got Coach Stalin chewing me out and the New York tabloids writing punny headlines telling everyone what a dip**** I am. Oh yeah, bro. I'll cherish these moments. They're focking sterling.

God d%#*!@t, do I look like I enjoy playing this game? Have you ever seen me smile? Have you even ever seen my expression change? No. I always look like someone just asked me to solve a trigonometry formula. I only play this game because everyone expected me to. I don't like hanging out in the locker room. I don't like slapping asses after a win. I don't like any of that bollocks.

Give me squash. There's a sport. You got two guys in a box swatting at a dead superball. Now THAT I can get on board with. No coaches. No annoying family members telling you about how "great the game is". None of that crap. Just you, some other sweaty guy, and lots of grunting. Bliss.

I got a bigass signing bonus, you know. I could play that **** all day. All I have to do is prove to everyone that I'm not good enough to play this bull**** football. Critics say I'm inaccurate. Wanna bet? I'm the most accurate ******* passer in the world, people. Those aren't interceptions I'm throwing. They are CRIES FOR HELP.

Don't you get it? I don't want to do this anymore. Let some other moron run sit back in the pocket, waiting to get jacked. If only I could just quit, like that dip**** Tiki. He says he's quitting and the entire media slobs his knob for going out "before he does permanent damage to his body". Whore. If I quit tomorrow, everyone would call me a gutless pu55y. What a bunch of bullshyte. Eat shat, Tiki. Eat my shat.

I'm gonna get out of this game. And if it means throwing another 20 dead-on picks and costing the Giants the playoffs, then **** it. I'm doing it. You can't stop me. Nothing will keep Eli from that squash court... You hear me bi-atch?

 

[OsloRhino]

This just in from Denis Green

It's not my fault that I love Cheeseburgers just a little too much... It's not my fault that we haven't been able to cope with the fantastic new stadium and training facilities.... and it's not my fault that we're on the way to a 1-15 record.

Look at that Kurt Warner... I was given a video of him from 2001. There he was... throwing 300 yards a game... interceptions all the time... could I improve him? Could I f**k.

So here I have two fantastic wide recievers in Boldin and Fitzgerald. They'd be one and two in most franchises without question. So what should I do with them....? Hah! I know what... I'll play a run based offense. They don't call me "The Fox" for nothing... (but yes... I do like the taste of chicken)

I've $25million over the next few years going spare. What shall I do? Hmm... I could go for a Tight End... Its been years since we've had one. Or my O line could do with an upgrade... Kurts bones are brittler than Stephen Hawkings... I know... *Fx... phone rings---"Hello... Is that you Edgerrin...... you are interested in a big pay day?.....yes... I can give you 15 to 20 carries a game... no I'm not bothered if you go running to the press.......Is our O'line any good at blocking....erm.... I've got go now...but I'll call you back...."

 

[patchick]

BTW, in case anybody isn't familiar with the source of the truly outstanding "squash" piece (and maybe the others too...OsloRhino, just link next time and spare the copyright violations!):

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/