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Here is how I'd like to see the Jets go out this year...

Discussion in 'NFL Football Forum' started by Ice_Ice_Brady, Jan 1, 2011.

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  1. Ice_Ice_Brady

    Ice_Ice_Brady In the Starting Line-Up

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    For some reason, the idea of getting kicked in the balls while not funny, starts getting pretty damn funny the more it happens. So, carrying over my low-brow literary masterpiece about the Bills, here are my predictions for the Jets over the next year or so.

    December- Mark Sanchez throws 2 TDs and 3 INTs to "will" the Jets into the playoffs, squeaking by Buffalo in the last minute. NY Post proclaims Sanchez the greatest Jets quarterback since Kellen Clemens and announces a coronation parade after the presumed Super Bowl win.

    January- Before the Chiefs-Jets showdown at Arrowhead, Charlie Weis pretends to faint; when the training staff carries him off on a stretcher, Todd Haley jogs over to see the damage. With little time to react to Charlie's malicious smile, Haley grabs his groin, but it's too late. Weis kicks Haley in the balls six times, leaving the one-hit wonder on the field, ala Mike Tyson, where he remains for the rest of the game. The Jets use this boost to overcome a 2-0 deficit and win 3-2 in the final seconds.

    Divisional Round- The Jets talk all week about their "revenge" game, conveniently declaring "Soon to be champs" as David and "one game at a time" to be Goliath. On the first play from scrimmage, Tomlinson fumbles and is promptly kicked in the balls by Wilfork; LT removes his helmet, only to be punched in the face by the referee. He puts on his SuperSulkSuit, replete with visor, and huddles on the cold bench. Tom Brady kicks the entire Jets defense in the balls by slicing them up for 375 yards passing and 4 TDs. In front of two referees, Rob Gronkowski removes the yappy Bart Scott's helmet, takes two "punter steps" and kicks Scott in the balls, three times, then delivers an over-the-top haymaker. The horrified ref throws a flag a Scott's balls, which explodes on impact due to a defective model.

    Later in the game, Vince Wilfork throws Mangold to the ground and is bearing down on the Mark. Sanchez pleads and begs, but Wilfork just gains momentum. Like a placekicker with an iron foot, he kicks Sanchez in the balls so hard that Sanchez lands 25 yards down the field. A small gerbil scurries away from the spot. The 5'9" QB returns to the game to throw six interceptions. Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes both want the same ball and collide helmets in the air, each ending their professional careers while being fined $50K each.

    Forgot to mention, Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie were kicked in the balls by Wes Welker and Deion Branch, respectively.

    After the game, a stunned Rex Ryan runs over the punch Belichick in the mouth, but in a strange Matrix-like airwalk, Belichick runs through the air, lands behind the whale, and promptly kicks Ryan in the balls. Ryan's wife sues Belichick, claiming he has copied her intellectual rights to kick her husband's balls forcefully.

    The Patriots win 43-5, prompting a huge moral victory from the NY Press, who proclaim the Jets the team to beat in 2011.

    In the locker room, Mike Tennenbaum kicks Rex Ryan in the balls. Ryan kicks Brian Schottenheimer in the balls. Scottenheimer kicks Mike Westoff in the balls. Westoff kicks Sal Alosi in the balls. Alosi bends his knee forward to hit someone in the balls, but he is banned for life and the Jets forfeit their 2012 draft.

    Philip Rivers is airlifted into Foxboro, where he lands in a full dress suit, combs his hair, promptly puts on an iron cleat, and kicks LT in the balls. Erin Andrews interviews Mark Sanchez after the game, and after getting the microphone back, slaps him in the face and knees him in the balls.

    It's revealed after the game that Danny Woodehad kicked Vernon Gholston in the balls to prevent a sack, which would have been Gholston's first.

    Chris Collinsworth came down to the field afterwards and spit on LT visor; when LT stood up to wipe it off, Shawn Greene kicked LT in the balls.

    Woody Johnson hires a team of ninjas to kick the whole team in the balls and enjoys it. He returns to his car only to find Michelle Ryan waiting for him, where she promptly kicks him in the balls sixteen times in kung-fu style.

    The Draft

    The Jets are mercilessly booed when they trade their entire draft and trade for Shaun Alexander, Terrell Suggs, and Carson Palmer (who will compete with Sanchez for who will tank the franchise.) After publicly announcing the trade, Goodell hand-gestures to Greg Aiello, who puts Mike Tenenbaum in a headlock while Bill Belichick kicks him in the balls multiple times, followed by Joe Namath, and Goodell himself.

    The Patriots pick up five high-caliber players and still have 8 picks in the first two rounds next year.

    Play Like A Jet!
     
  2. sieglo

    sieglo In the Starting Line-Up

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    Damn, it's hard to wish that much testicular damage on anyone.
     
  3. Ice_Ice_Brady

    Ice_Ice_Brady In the Starting Line-Up

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    They wear athletic supporters. They'll be fine in eight months.... nothing permanent.
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2011
  4. NovaScotiaPatsFan

    NovaScotiaPatsFan In the Starting Line-Up

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    #50 Jersey

    Here's my hope.

    [​IMG]
     
  5. ctpatsfan77

    ctpatsfan77 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    #3 Jersey

    I don't think the score is lopsided enough. :D

    Seriously, though, wouldn't there be more LOLs if the JEST go one-and-done?
     
  6. alvinnf

    alvinnf In the Starting Line-Up

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    Freud is troubled by your balls obsession?
     
  7. KamikazeKnight

    KamikazeKnight Practice Squad Player

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    This is exactly how I see things going down, as well.

    Great minds think alike.:rocker:
     
  8. Ice_Ice_Brady

    Ice_Ice_Brady In the Starting Line-Up

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    But Freud is more troubled that study Freud.
     
  9. Tunescribe

    Tunescribe PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    #61 Jersey

    That's because Carl Jung kicked him in the balls.
     
  10. NovaScotiaPatsFan

    NovaScotiaPatsFan In the Starting Line-Up

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    #50 Jersey

    Think about how much more suicidal their idiot fan base would be if they got knocked out by us tho. Think about it if the situations were reversed.
     
  11. alvinnf

    alvinnf In the Starting Line-Up

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    The new year garners no new spelling hope.
     
  12. alvinnf

    alvinnf In the Starting Line-Up

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    Thanks, now I have to wiki Carl Jung.....
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2011
  13. ctpatsfan77

    ctpatsfan77 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    #3 Jersey

    True, I suppose, but that would also require, in your scenario, rooting for the JEST/against the Chiefs, and I don't think I can do either of those.
     
  14. Ice_Ice_Brady

    Ice_Ice_Brady In the Starting Line-Up

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    I concede, dear sir! To a lesser man, perhaps my omission would have gone unnoticed.

    My intellectual domination in this thread is but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

    I shall fall on my sword, good sir. Good world. Sweet, fleeting world.

    <drunk>
     
  15. PATRIOTSFANINPA

    PATRIOTSFANINPA Pro Bowl Player

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    #12 Jersey

    The playoffs divisional round cannot come soon enough :rolleyes:
     
  16. Joker

    Joker PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

    strange...that is the FIRST thought that occurred to me following my initial exposure to Hard Knocks...
     
  17. italia44

    italia44 In the Starting Line-Up

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    After Jung,move on to Soren Kierkegaard..then put your head in a Maytag commercial washer and press the rinse button:woohoo:
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2011
  18. patriot lifer

    patriot lifer 2nd Team Getting Their First Start

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    #87 Jersey

    if I had a nickel every time I heard...
     
  19. VJCPatriot

    VJCPatriot Pro Bowl Player

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    This post is disturbing on many levels.
    First of all because it has the Jets making it to the postseason.
    Second of all because it actually has the Jets winning two games there.
    Third of all, ball kicking is far too lax a punishment for the Jets. Let's get creative here people! :D
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2011
  20. pherein

    pherein In the Starting Line-Up

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    ..wait Jets have balls? Im under the misconception that they win games by saying they are going to win, or they are the best team in the NFL, you mean it doesn't work that way? You just cant say your the best and you win? hmmm
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2011
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