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Easterbrook Good v. Evil parody--part II: (How it really should read...)
The fact that I even need to remind you about which team represents Good vs. Evil says a lot about how low fans and media have sunk. You had to think about this for a second, didn’t you?
Argument for the New England Patriots as paragons of virtue, beacons of that which is admirable:
Sportsmanship, belief in hard work, self-sacrifice, modest, respectful, winners. The New England Patriots represent everything that America has always admired. They started out with humble origins, winning the right way, assembling the best on-field championship performance of the decade, and building a durable dynasty. To a man they remain unfailingly polite, contrite and focused. They never, ever complain about rules, whine, trash talk opponents, or make excuses. They do their talking on the field. Their players are the epitome of team play, cheerfully taking on whatever role helps them win. The dirtiest word in the Patriots vocabulary is “I” and you never hear it uttered because “we” is the only pronoun allowed on this team. They always demonstrate the utmost respect for the game, their opponent, and fans. They prepare diligently, develop creative game plans weekly, and give everyone their money’s worth by playing hard and with flair for a full sixty minutes. It is unthinkable to them to disrespect an NFL opponent by visibly easing up late in a game. They follow the high-road example of their leader Bill Belichick and Quarterback Tom Brady, eschewing publicity, seeking instead to quietly perfect their craft with pride. When their highly respected Owner Robert Kraft famously uttered the words “We are all Patriots now” after their victory in Super Bowl XXXVI, he honored and combined the wonderful traits which make America great and those which define the New England Patriots.
Argument for the Indianapolis Colts as frauds, as false icons of goodness, and while not perhaps embodying the purest form of raw evil, a team which leaves you yearning for something more pure, more virtuous, more genuine and less plastic.
While their arch-enemy the New England Patriots take the high road, these Colts take the high-and-mighty road, following the example of coach Tony Dungy. Not content to simply let his team’s play do the talking, Tony Dungy frequently thrusts his sanctimonious reverence for the lord and holier-than-thou gay marriage-bashing into conversations which most fans would prefer to be about sports and football. Quarterback Peyton Manning, meanwhile, is a paragon of excess commercialism. Quiet, humble modesty would not be the first words anyone would use to describe him. On the field of battle, if we humans are defined by our toughest moments, Manning has demonstrated that he will sulk, whine, and blame his teammates for “protection problems” after painful playoff losses. Unquestionable the most detestable character in the Colts evil empire is President Bill Polian. A hot-tempered pontificator, Mr. Polian makes a weekly habit of complaining about poor refereeing, curiously whining that the calls always are going against his team. Rather than nobly credit the better team after he loses, he practices the lowest form of poor sportsmanship: making excuses and politicking to change rules to suit his particular needs, all wrapped in a transparent package of “fairness” and “competitiveness.” Mr. Polian is the antithesis of simple humility. He would do well to learn the simple phrase “the better team won fair and square” after losses, and practice less pompous gloating in moments of victory. Ladies and Gentlemen, representing the many facets of evil, the Indianapolis Colts.
The fact that I even need to remind you about which team represents Good vs. Evil says a lot about how low fans and media have sunk. You had to think about this for a second, didn’t you?
Argument for the New England Patriots as paragons of virtue, beacons of that which is admirable:
Sportsmanship, belief in hard work, self-sacrifice, modest, respectful, winners. The New England Patriots represent everything that America has always admired. They started out with humble origins, winning the right way, assembling the best on-field championship performance of the decade, and building a durable dynasty. To a man they remain unfailingly polite, contrite and focused. They never, ever complain about rules, whine, trash talk opponents, or make excuses. They do their talking on the field. Their players are the epitome of team play, cheerfully taking on whatever role helps them win. The dirtiest word in the Patriots vocabulary is “I” and you never hear it uttered because “we” is the only pronoun allowed on this team. They always demonstrate the utmost respect for the game, their opponent, and fans. They prepare diligently, develop creative game plans weekly, and give everyone their money’s worth by playing hard and with flair for a full sixty minutes. It is unthinkable to them to disrespect an NFL opponent by visibly easing up late in a game. They follow the high-road example of their leader Bill Belichick and Quarterback Tom Brady, eschewing publicity, seeking instead to quietly perfect their craft with pride. When their highly respected Owner Robert Kraft famously uttered the words “We are all Patriots now” after their victory in Super Bowl XXXVI, he honored and combined the wonderful traits which make America great and those which define the New England Patriots.
Argument for the Indianapolis Colts as frauds, as false icons of goodness, and while not perhaps embodying the purest form of raw evil, a team which leaves you yearning for something more pure, more virtuous, more genuine and less plastic.
While their arch-enemy the New England Patriots take the high road, these Colts take the high-and-mighty road, following the example of coach Tony Dungy. Not content to simply let his team’s play do the talking, Tony Dungy frequently thrusts his sanctimonious reverence for the lord and holier-than-thou gay marriage-bashing into conversations which most fans would prefer to be about sports and football. Quarterback Peyton Manning, meanwhile, is a paragon of excess commercialism. Quiet, humble modesty would not be the first words anyone would use to describe him. On the field of battle, if we humans are defined by our toughest moments, Manning has demonstrated that he will sulk, whine, and blame his teammates for “protection problems” after painful playoff losses. Unquestionable the most detestable character in the Colts evil empire is President Bill Polian. A hot-tempered pontificator, Mr. Polian makes a weekly habit of complaining about poor refereeing, curiously whining that the calls always are going against his team. Rather than nobly credit the better team after he loses, he practices the lowest form of poor sportsmanship: making excuses and politicking to change rules to suit his particular needs, all wrapped in a transparent package of “fairness” and “competitiveness.” Mr. Polian is the antithesis of simple humility. He would do well to learn the simple phrase “the better team won fair and square” after losses, and practice less pompous gloating in moments of victory. Ladies and Gentlemen, representing the many facets of evil, the Indianapolis Colts.
