God Save the Queen

Discussion in 'PatsFans.com - Patriots Fan Forum' started by gomezcat, Nov 22, 2007.

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  1. gomezcat

    gomezcat It's SIR Moderator to you Staff Member PatsFans.com Supporter

    I would like to pick this completely insignificant day in the life of Her Majesty to give thanks for emigration.

    I would like to thank all of your forefathers (and foremothers) for leaving our country, going to the Colonies and taking your rubbish with you.

    I would like to give thanks for the fact that I do not share a country with 90% of you, especially those who live in the treasonously (excuse the made up word) named "New" "England". How dare you!

    I shall now get back to my ENGLISH country with my English Microsoft Windows package, the English Mc Donald's breakfast that I will have, my English Starbucks, my English favourite sport of Football (the Pats' version).

    Oh.... yeah. Er.... :bricks:

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL! Enjoy the piece below, which I copied from a facebook group. It is meant as fun.

    To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

    Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

    The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

    We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation.
  2. Poll

    Poll Practice Squad Player

    Hail John Cleese.
  3. pheenix11

    pheenix11 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

    Yeah we'll take care of all that if you tell the idiots who attend "American" football games over there that the only people in the stadium who should be blowing whistles are the referees. Oh yeah, there's this new invention, its call sod, get some. :D
  4. Scouse Patriot

    Scouse Patriot 2nd Team Getting Their First Start

    Yeah, have a good'un, although I don't agree with the peice following as someone might hit me...Lets hope Lizzy doesn't appoint Steve McClaren as your national teams boss :bricks:

    If anybody wants to send me some turkey, spuds, veg and pie feel free...
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2007
  5. tedylb

    tedylb Third String But Playing on Special Teams

    I nominate Sir Gomezcat to be PM (Prime Minister, not post-menstrual ) of our new colony of Olde America (formerly called Great Britain). He's a true Patriot! And of course, Queen Latitifah will succeed Queen Liz II, instead of Prince Chuck.

    Go G-Cat! Complete the Americanization of our colony. No more crisps or zeds. Your soccer hooligans will, by decree, become American football (the only kind) hooligans. And your lager will be permitted to fuel your hooligans, as long as you call it beer. God save Olde America and God save the Patriots!
  6. Pat the Pats Fan

    Pat the Pats Fan In the Starting Line-Up

    #50 Jersey

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    This would be cheaper than what my state is working on currently.....

    Happy Thanksgiving, so what do the English do on Black Friday? Do that line up at the local Kohl's or JC Penney to start shopping at 4AM? 4AM, sheesh, and next year Macy's not to be beat will open at 3AM.......
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2007
  7. oldskool138

    oldskool138 In the Starting Line-Up

    #75 Jersey

    "God save the queen/She ain't no human being"

    -The Sex Pistols

  8. marty

    marty In the Starting Line-Up

    Happy Turkey day to you and Mrs Gomezcat!
  9. Tunescribe

    Tunescribe PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

    #61 Jersey

    I've never understood what the term "cor" means. As long as we'll apparently be using it as part of the new vernacular, please explain.
  10. fair catch fryar

    fair catch fryar In the Starting Line-Up

    #87 Jersey

    Just remember the last time you guys tried telling us what to do.... a bunch of patriots kicked your lily-white arses!:D In honor of this day, I'd like to personally thank you guys for Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, and Mr. Bentley! That's about it.
  11. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

    Actually, the Brits invented sod. In fact, most of them are sods.

    You guys still pissed off we never offered you statehood? Well, here are some terms for admission:

    1) There is no "aluminium", as you well know.
    2) There is no "u" in color, flavor, or Bangor, Maine - in which I am sure Her Majesty's government would dearly love to insert one.
    3) Beer should be cold, and neither beer nor waitresses should be flat.
    4) Soccer, although adored by a whole host of nations which can't handle real football, shall be renamed what it is, to wit, The Game That Made Baseball Look Exciting. The game of cricket, though perhaps appropriately named for an insect (in terms of its significance,) shall be renamed what it is, to wit, The Game That Made Soccer Look Exciting, Not To Mention Chess.
    5) As always, America will not care what happens in The Game That Made Baseball Look Exciting. We will continue to watch football instead. Attention to real football will be a prerequisite for admission of the former United Kingdom.
    6) Your inbred, horse thief-descended royal family shall be replaced, as mentioned above, by Queen Latifah and Prince. The ceremonial post of Duke of Earl shall be awarded to Henry Winkler.
    7) Since you will become part of the United States, upon admission, the former United Kingdom will be permitted to use English measurement again.
    8) You will nevertheless continue to respond to the joke "adjustable wrench? English or metric?" with a confused look resembling a fish just thrown in a boat bottom.
    9) Prior to admission, two words: fluoridated water. Look into it.
    10) Remedial dentistry for Britons over the age of 5 shall be provided by good old fashioned American Pakistanis, not those London Pakistanis y'all got over there.
    11) Since you will be a state, if successful in your application, you will need a new synonym for "United States." I would suggest "The states that kept saving our sorry asses from the Jerries."
    12) Likewise, you will need a new name for the Former United Kingdom. I would suggest "Airstrip One."
    13) In the event that the remaining bits of your pathetic island decide to secede from Airstrip One, their applications will be considered separately. And yes, I'm talking about you, Cornwall.
    14) You will learn to pronounce the vowel "A" in all its forms, including the lack of an "A" in McDonalds. We call it Micky D's, not Mackey D's.
    15) Likewise, since the only way you can pronounce what you think of as the American "A" is to put it in words where it does not belong -- for example, macho, taco, and McDonalds -- no resident of Airstrip One will be permitted to attempt to pronounce the letter A for a period of five years. After five years, each Airstrip Oner will be permitted to take a state exam for proper pronunciation of the letter A, to include the proper pronunciation of the phrase "F u k i n A!"
    16) You will be permitted to continue to make challenging, clever zombie movies such as "Sean of the Dead" and "28 days after" or "later" whichever that title may actually be. In exchange you will take back Hugh Grant, and leave Hugh Laurie over here. Any other Hughs will be considered surplus.

    Happy Thanksgiving you toothless inbred limey bastid!

  12. fair catch fryar

    fair catch fryar In the Starting Line-Up

    #87 Jersey

    LOL!! That's some funny ****! Thanks.
  13. taltos

    taltos Third String But Playing on Special Teams

    If we have to make a state out of a country where they talk funny, I would prefer Australia.
  14. shmessy

    shmessy Maude Staff Member PatsFans.com Supporter

    #75 Jersey

    God Save the Queen!

    (That's Ms. Gomezcat, right???)
  15. Patsfanin Philly

    Patsfanin Philly Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract

    #95 Jersey

    Would that be the same tax collector that lost all the personal data on 25 million Brits?? See you're acting like Americans already.......


    Ministers must tell "the true version of events" over the loss of discs with 25m people's personal details on them, the Conservatives are demanding.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2007
  16. PatsFan#37

    PatsFan#37 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

    wow, we're in trouble again........:eek:
  17. PatsWickedPissah

    PatsWickedPissah PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

    Disable Jersey

    Me, I'm doing what Gomezcat says. I SAW what happened to William Wallace!
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2007
  18. PATSNUTme

    PATSNUTme Paranoid Homer Moderator Staff Member PatsFans.com Supporter

    #75 Jersey

    After reading all of that, I have this urge to chew on a lime.

    Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
  19. Scouse Patriot

    Scouse Patriot 2nd Team Getting Their First Start

    28 Days Later was a poor film. I still question why I actualy sat through it. We dont want Hugh Grant back either. If you don't like him, and we don't like him, I guess that puts him in France.

    Many of us proper folk :)D ) also despise the term Maccy D's. It's used by retards or scumbags on some street corner in Toxteth. Cringeworthy.
  20. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

    Wait, are you saying there is a place called Toxteth, and that the term is cringeworthy, or are you referencing some administrative unit called Cringeworthy that Toxteth is within? Or could you not decide between the towns of Toxteth and Cringeworthy? Or perhaps you put a period between the two, rather than a hyphen, as in Toxteth-Cringeworthy?

    Heh... I can't help it, it just seemed like another British place-name, or perhaps a minor character in Bleak House.

    Don't feel bad about us poking a little fun at the Brits... you ought to see what we do to Turkey later today ;)


    PS, by the way, the nation of France is on strike, so they can't process Hugh Grant. Our screen writers are on strike, so we can't use him even for the silly things we've used him in in the past. You guys had the empty chair when the music stopped, either take him back or call a strike.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2007
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