"NFL OPENING KICKOFF 2006 PRESENTED BY SPRINT," - on NBC at 8:00 PM ET Thursday, Sept. 7. RASCAL FLATTS, DIDDY, and CASSIE all will perform. excuse me? Dear Roger Goodell, this is the National Football League. What the hell is this crap? Are you not embarrassed? Do you really need help with this? Call up Roger Waters and John Paul Jones...put an end to their holdouts. Make it happen. What better occasion for REUNIONS than football's opening ceremonies? If I were commissioner I'd fly in the Berlin Philharmonic, the world's greatest orchestra, to open the festivities with a medley of Wagner and Tchaikovsky. Picture it. As the cannons fade from the 1812 overture, out comes AC/DC for a long lost Flick of the Switch demo track, "Bedlam in Pittsburgh!" Slayer would then join a reunited Priest along with Phil Anselmo for a monsterous Victim of Changes. Iggy, Ozzy and Lemmy then take the stage with four rock legends -- Ron Asheton, Wayne Kramer, John Williamson and Deniz Tek -- for a chaotic workout on Paranoid...and just because it's my fantasy, a Kyuss reunion would ensue (the opening Sky Valley suite). Then Sir Paul would come out with the Stones for an assist on Paint it Black just prior to a reunion with Mick Taylor for an epic version of the never-played-live EOM masterpiece "Shine a Light." Mass coronaries ensue. With the oxygen supply fleeting and the crowd in desperate need of a recharge, Dickey Betts reunites with the ABB (with Warren Haynes) for Jessica and Blue Sky. I'd have Heinz Field ablaze with 65,000 candles and send out U2 and Eddie Vedder for a spiritual rendition of "Bad." Without any hesitation, I'd reunite the Verve and the Stone Roses and have them descend in a neon hot air balloon for a jam on Resurrection. Then the capper...two Apache helicopters land on the field -- no cheap lasers or smoke machines -- carrying the four members of Soundgarden. For the first time in a decade we'd be treated to Rusty Cage, 4th of July (with the sky ablaze in fireworks), and after announcing a farewell tour, they'd take it home with "Searching With My Good Eye Closed." After the debris settled I'd dial up a special encore. Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, Leonard Cohen, Neil Young, Peter Thompson -- joined by the Dolphins' cheerleaders and the King's College Choir -- for a communal "I Shall Be Released"...the other night's performers having returned as additional backing vocalists during the chorus. If the teams still wanted to play a game at that point, kickoff would ensue...and just for my own personal amusement, I'd force Cowher to send out Big Ben for kick return duty. Well, that's my version anyway. Might be a bit out of reach, but hey, it's worth a shot. After all IT'S THE NFL...a force so powerful it can laugh in the face of massive steroid abuse (whether Congress is laughing is another matter). Rascal Flats? shoot me now.