Round 1: Jerod Mayo, OLB, Tenn. Oh sure. Just what we need. Another guy that does everything well, so nobody has to call him inside or outside. Another guy that furthermore isn't Vernon Golston. This will end up just like when we weren't able to get Jonathan Sullivan. Oh well, at least it's not a total waste, unlike our lower round picks, who don't even seem like first-round talents.
Round 2: Bilbo Baggins, CB, Colorado. He's made of glass and he's a hobbit. He's a glass hobbit. Good material to make a bong out of not an NFL corner. He's not tall enough and he's also too short. Speed and coverage skills are just so overrated these days. What we really need in a CB/Return man is a linebacker. Better yet an NBA center, then he doesn't even HAVE to jump, he's right there already! Further proof that "Terrence Wheatley" is a bust already: Nobody else had picked him. Then somebody else was about to and Belioli just FREAKED and picked him first, just because he was the highest guy on their draft board, regardless of what my scouting website said.
Round 3a: Oh yeah sure trade a pick into 2009 just because you get a second rounder in exchange for a 3rd rounder, as if you'll every use it. You never will. You'll end up packaging them with some other lame future pick and ending up with a first rounder, and Goodell will just steal it. Screw that. This is the draft we have been waiting for, and you have to use every pick -- any other course of action is a mistake by consent of every website reading sportsfan ever born.
Round 3b: Shawn Crable, OLB, Michigan. Oh, so this is supposed to count as getting younger and faster at linebacker? Even though I personally announced who I thought were the best linebackers available well before this pick? These guys have no idea how to draft.
Round 3c: Kevin O'Connell, QB, San Diego State. Look, Tom Brady has never missed a game due to injury. Tom Brady is immortal. Tom Brady can make a woman orgasm by pointing at her and saying "BOOYA!" The best thing the Pats can do is never, ever draft a quarterback, certainly not so high as the third round. All developmental work on a QB is wasted in NE, because Tom Brady will never die, get older, or be injured. Tom Brady is eternal, and the team dies when he does. Since the team did not exist for me until Tom Brady was on it, I see no reason to believe otherwise.
Round 4: Frodo Baggins, CB, Auburn. Or as some call him, "Jonathan Wilhite." Just like Bilbo (see above) but without the metal plates in his wrist. At least he has "hite" in his name. Scott and Bill, did you read my e-mails? Huh? Why do you still believe that a guy less than 6' can be a cover corner? I have declared it deeply desireable to hire someone at or above 6'. Speed, jumping ability, backpeddling, swiveling hips into a break, ball skills, and other attributes are often talked about, but can not really be considered as important as the number "6". It is only coincidental that I once stretched a tape measure halfway to my anus in search of that same elusive digit.
Round 5: Matt Slater, WTF, UCLA. Okay we get it. Everybody should just play every position. Is he a receiver? Is he a return man? Maybe he's a cornerback? It's Frodo all over again. If they keep this up they'll just keep turning up guys like Troy Brown and Wes Welker. How dumb can you be. Can't they see that Randy Moss is really tall and really fast and has incredible hands? Why don't they just sign up guys like him at all the receiver positions, then maybe Deion Sanders clones at corner? Just get really GOOD guys and stop trying to finesse the draft by coming up with extremely productive guys about whom John Madden and Mel Kiper fail to gush.
Round 6: Don't know yet... BUT DAMN, SANTI is GONE!!!! That was my favorite low-round tight end!!!!
