Help Wanted: Western Division Champions
 

A major sports league has two exciting openings for Divisional Champions in their West Coast branches. The successful applicants will be expected to start immediately and be available for playoff duty (without a bye week).

Qualifications:

1. A strong record as a winner. You should have more wins than losses on the season.
2. Just to clarify, that means at least 9 wins out of 16 games.
3. Seriously, is this so much to ask? A friggin' winning record???

Qualified applicants should apply immediately before fans die of disgust.

Re: Help Wanted: Western Division Champions
 

Dead on! Who'd a thunk it pre-season? Not I!

Help Wanted: Master Mason for Memorial(s)
 

As many West Coast football fans will be dying this season from disgust, there is now an opening for two (2) qualified master stone masons to begin work on either 1 or 2 cenotaphs or other pre-approved monument(s) to both (a) remember the sacrifice of so many loyal fans, and (b) to serve as a warning to other divisions in the future, lest poor quality football should ever be allowed to be become so concentrated again, blighting the lives of so many.

Qualifications:

1. Must personally demonstrate the ability to carve letters well and fast, as there will be many names to inlay.
2. A staff equally capable of carving letters, as the job will be too much for one man.
3. Access to a name-carving machine, preferably computer-controlled with a diamond bit, as this job will be too vast for the mortal hands of men.

Qualified applicants should submit their proposals, complete with monument design, before the first fans start to fall.*

*from bridges or ledges