A Professional's Preseason Rankings
Due to a slow sports week (only two players have been arrested), I’ve decided to occupy everyone with something everyone likes to argue about – preseason rankings for the NFL.
For those of us who like to cheat, look at the quick note at the bottom before reading. :D
And without further ado…
1. Arizona: The acquisition of Edgerrin James is going to make a huge difference for this team. Edgerrin James is a huge difference-maker whose presence can bring a team to the Super Bowl, despite the whispers that he’s aging and in decline.
2. Indianapolis: Man, do I love Peyton Manning. Edgerrin James’ absence won’t make that much of a difference because he was aging and in decline anyway. Don’t forget that Dominic Rhodes rushed for 1,000 yards in 1999 or something. Plus, they have Adam Vinatieri now.
3. New Orleans: One player makes all the difference, as the Saints have learned over the past few years with Joe Horn. Reggie Bush is going to bring this team to the NFC Championship. Literally. He is going to pick up the entire team and carry them to the championship, because that’s how good Reggie Bush is.
4. Dallas: This team had more giveaways than takeaways last year. Adding Terrell Owens and not changing the quarterbacks or the defense should really help this statistic and put them through the playoffs. Plus, it’s not like there will be any competition in their division or anything.
5. Miami: Last year they won a bunch of games at the end of the season. Only Chicago, Denver, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Kansas City, Minnesota, New England, New York Giants, Seattle and Washington were able to accomplish this difficult feat. Plus, now they have a new quarterback who relies on his mobility who is coming off a leg injury. But don’t worry, team doctors say he’s ahead of schedule.
6. Carolina: The Panthers are the team to beat in their division, other than Reggie Bush. I mean, New Orleans. Their running game is obviously due to improve because of all of the new RBs on the roster. I mean, how many do they have now? Eight? At least one of them is bound not to suck.
7. Pittsburgh: Ben Roethlisberger, the youngest quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl, is going to rip up the AFC North despite injuries to his face. I mean, team doctors say he’s ahead of schedule, so he’ll obviously be ready for the regular season. Clearly.
8. Baltimore: Now that this team has Steve McNair, the godlike ex-Titans quarterback, their aging defense and average DL won’t stop them from excelling this year.
9. Cincinnati: The Bengals are clearly ready to make the next leap, with up-and-coming players like Chris Henry on offense and A.J. Nicholson and Frostee Rucker on defense. Plus, team doctors say that Carson Palmer is ahead of schedule and will be ready for the regular season.
10. Green Bay: I love Brett Favre. He’s, like, my favorite player ever. I’m so glad that he didn’t retire. Whatever he can do to prolong his career will help the Packers franchise.
11. New York Giants: I don’t know anything about this team, I’m just putting them here because Eli Manning is related to Peyton Manning, and boy do I love him.
12. Kansas City: Larry Johnson is going to smoke everyone. I don’t know the names of any of their other players, but Larry Johnson going to be good.
13. Detroit: The Lions have a lot of receivers with potential. A lot of them. They also have a few quarterbacks now. But mostly receivers.
14. Washington: The Redskins, like the Lions, also have a lot of receivers with potential. A lot of them. Unfortunately, their quarterback is REALLY OLD. I mean, he’s what, 36?
15. Denver: Watch out for Ron Dayne at RB. He’s really good, you know. He must be because he won the Heisman, and every Heisman winner has been good in the NFL, right? Right?
16. Minnesota: Just like last year, the Vikings will hope that addition by subtraction, this time with the removal of Daunte Culpepper, will vastly change the look of the franchise. Tarvaris Jackson also looks to be an excellent 3rd-string quarterback in the NFL.
17. St. Louis: The key here is the retirement of Marshall Faulk. If he does, they’ll be horrible. If he doesn’t, they’ll make the playoffs. He just matters that much.
18. Atlanta: What happens if Michael Vick and Matt Schaub both get injured? Simple. They sign someone off the street, ironically named Ronald Mexico, who brings them to the Super Bowl in a Brady-esque move.
19. Tampa Bay: You know what, I forgot about the Bucs, kind of like the media does, and just put them in the one opening I had left.
20. New England: Come on, guys. The Patriots lost Adam Vinatieri. They’re clearly doomed. Also, that fat guy they traded for a while back was caught with drugs. Scott Pioli and Bill Belichick are losing their touch.
21. Jacksonville: They lost Jimmy Smith, the keystone to their offense and the main reason that they won 12 games in 2005. How could they possibly have a winning record this year?
22. Seattle: The Seahawks lost the Super Bowl. Obviously, they’re going to lose their conference. That’s just statistics.
23. Chicago: The Bears hope that signing linebackers other than Lance Briggs will help make it easier for them to replace Briggs when he gets fed up and demands a trade.
24. Cleveland: I’ve got nothing. Seriously.
25. San Diego: Philip Rivers is going to bring this team down to the bottom. I mean, seriously guys, it’s an unproven quarterback. What are they going to do?
26. Buffalo: The Bills hope that their good-value picking in the first round extends to success on the football field, especially on the offensive line.
27. Philadelphia: They lost Terrell Owens. They never did anything without Terrell Owens, other than go to the NFC Championship game three times in a row, which really isn’t that big of a deal. And Donovan McNabb is coming off an injury, so he’ll probably not play well. They should have traded for someone, maybe Daunte Culpepper.
28. Tennessee: I expect the number of wins this year for the Titans will be about as high as Vince Young’s Wonderlic score.
29. Oakland: The offseason acquisition of Aaron Brooks will…not…affect them at all. Yep, they’ll still suck.
30. San Francisco: The addition of a playmaker at TE in Vernon Davis will transform the offense. Wait, they already had a playmaker at TE. Well, whatever.
31. Houston: They would be much higher if they had taken Reggie Bush. Stupid Texans.
32. New York Jets: On the entrance to the stadium: NOW HIRING PLAYERS AT ALL POSITIONS! I think it’s a good idea, whoever they bring in will probably be better than whoever else they currently have at the position.
Note: This is satire, not serious commentary. Now take another look through with this in mind, I hope you enjoy.
It's a hilarious send-up, dr!
Now edit, and delete the last line. Stands on its own; no need to cower.
VERY nice. Too funny.
I disagree with New England's ranking; the loss of Givens and Mc Ginest make a 0-16 season a dead certainty.
Also, ask yourselves this if you think we are going to win the SB. How many times, following a loss to Denver in the playoffs during the previous year, have we gone on to win? Yeah, exactly.
Other than that, I thought your analysis was dead on. Reggie Bush will get 20,000 yards this year (rushing, that is).
Dude, who cares about Vinatieri's loss.
But Tom Ashworth! He was a true STAPLE of the offensive line!
It's always better NOT to say it's satire or a joke. Then the fun really begins when the humorless among us get their panties in a bunch.
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