So, this story comes out today about
sweeping the locker room for bugs. It's all from unofficial sources, so the NFL has not actually confirmed or denied whether any sweep took place or what may or may not have found. Given Goodell's, Kensil's, Vincent's, Pash's legendary integrity, I hesitate to present the following scenario, but here goes. Tell me they couldn't get away with this if they tried...
Report from the Desk of Ted Wells, Bastion of All Things Integrity:
Shortly before the NY Jets were to arrive in the visiting locker room at Gillette Stadium before their game with the Patriots*, NFL security officials swept the locker room for listening devices using an electronic "sniffer". During the sweep, there were several positive indications of devices indicated on the "sniffer". While the areas adjacent to the places where the positive indications were made were thoroughly searched, no devices could be found before time had run out and the team had to be allowed access to the locker room. After planting an electronic jamming devices to thwart any listening devices that may have planted in the area, the team was allowed to enter the locker room and proceed with their pre-game preparations.
After the game, the areas in question for fully inspected, even dismantled in some cases, no devices were found. There were several areas where a device could have been planted without detection without first dismantling the furnishings in the locker room, but no devices or signs of previous tampering were found.
To get to the truth, this firm decided to hire Exponent to do a study on electronic sniffing devices and their propensity, or lack thereof, to issue false positive indications of devices present. While the actual sniffer used by the league's security officials could not be quoted, Exponent bought 40 examples of a single random brand of sniffer off of Ebay to test. During their testing, they were able to induce false positive indications from the device in several different ways. However, none of those circumstances appeared to be present in the visiting locker room at Gillette Stadium on that day.
Analysis of the text messages on Bill Belichick's cellphone found numerous instances of the word "bug" appearing including this one to the general manager of the stadium:
"Please call an exterminator, players have reported bugs in the locker room"
"
players have reported bugs in the locker room"
"
bugs in the locker room"
This investigator finds that it is more probable than not that there were listening devices in the locker room that day, and that Bill Belichick was generally aware of their existence.
Goodell:
Due to their track record of repeated blatant cheating offenses, the Patriots* will be docked their next 2 first round picks, their next 2 second round picks, and $2 million. BB has been suspended indefinitely and fined the maximum allowable fine of $250k. He will need to apply for reinstatement directly to the commissioner at such time as he feels he has learned his lesson. The win that the Patriots achieved on that day will be vacated and awarded to the NY Jets. All mention of the Patriots in the NFL record books and any other official documents will henceforth be proceeded by an asterisk to indicate their unprecedented disregard for the integrity of the game. Any further violations by the Patriots for the duration of their existence will result in a lifetime ban of the team from the post-season.
