Last week, I was asked on an Australian forum (if you don't understand some of the colloquialisms, that's why) to provide members with a preview of the 2015 Jets. Here's my take on the slime.
Introduction
If the movie Twins were used to describe football in New York, the Jets would be Danny DeVito to the Giants Arnold Schwarzenegger. A truly pathetic franchise, the Jets basked in accidental glory in 1968 and firmed as a breeding ground for corrupt, jealous NFL officials hell bent on sabotaging the greatest franchise in modern NFL history. As is the way with the world, the Jets found themselves looking up at the AFC East and were reminded of NFL hierarchy as Tom the Magnificent drove infidels from the NFC West back from whence they came capturing his fourth, most glorious title.
The writers for Groundhog Day couldn’t have perfected a better script as the J E T S Jets Jets Jets parted ways with their offensively challenged, lap-band aided head coach while handing Idzik my Didzik, the man who managed the Jets into cap nirvana, with his marching orders. In a IRS Viagra haze, Woody’s johnson subsided and he decided the team needed to reconnect with its irrelevant, vanilla roots by appointing some guy who coached the Cardinals D and a dentist to run football operations.
Let’s have a look at the 2015 Jets.
Positional Reviews
Quarterback
A truly pathetic collection of playcallers, back-ups from each of the Bills, Dolphins and Patriots could easily start for, and tremendously improve New York. The incumbent starter decided it was best to foster feelings of harmony and trust by headbutting a teammate’s fist. Naturally, the Jets brains trust applauded Geno’s team first approach granting him a stay of QB execution handing the passing duties to a journeyman known more for his Jeopardy ability than actual ability to decipher an NFL defence.
Running Back
Known for ground and pound, the Jets have done exceptionally well to commit to a particular style of game with meddling, mediocre talents. In 2015, that’s changed. A talent comparable to Adrian Peterson, Jamaal Charles and Marshawn Lynch, the Jets will build their offense around the explosive, playmaking ability of UDFA Chris Ivory, whose perennial 1000 yard seasons have become storied legend. Behind the rare talent of Ivory, the Jets host a who’s who collection of impressively skilled cast-off ball-carriers.
Wide Receiver
To compliment their Wonderlic extraordinaire, the Jets acquired Jay Cutler’s bipolar bestie and paired him with Peyton Manning’s gimp to form Country music’s
next big thing; The Bestie and the Gimp with supporting vocals from Kerley Owusu. Will Bestie and the Gimp ride a wrecking ball through the AFC East or will it be another case of an achy breaky heart for Jets pass-catchers?
Tight End
Queer Eye for the Jace Guy didn’t last long in the Meadowlands as the team returned to Jeff Cumbersome, a part-time actor who starred next to Nick Holt in the critically acclaimed Warm Bodies which ironically, is an adequate description of Cumbersome. All Pro Autobot Rob Gronkowski, Charles Clay and Jordan Cameron are the respective starters for the Patriots, Bills and Dolphins.
Offensive Line
Thick as Bricks and the universally respected Nick Mangold, the Jets Offensive Line boasts 2 NFL quality linemen. The problem with this is the NFL requires 5 Offensive Linemen to be on the field during offensive plays. 11 out of 12 anonymous Chris Mortensen sources overheard Shane Warne remark “They can’t run and they can’t throw.” Turkish reckons they’re proper stuffed.
Defensive Line
There can be no denying the Jets possess one of the more talented defensive fronts in the NFL. The strawberry on top was Microfracture Williams, the coup of the 2015 NFL Draft. Old Knees went on record stating words similar to hoping Tom Brady would be his first sack in the NFL. A strong statement from the former USC standout. Interestingly, Sheldon Lannister appears to have taken Weeneesi under his wings and offers counsel. The thing is, the Jets don’t play the Patriots until week 7. Mind you, who could blame Old Knees? It’s not like Richardson would be stupid enough to find himself suspended for 4 weeks then get stoned, try to outrun cops driving a car full of guns and resist arrest. Nobody could possibly be that stupid right?
Linebacker
Their marquee linebacker, the Jets extended a 31 year old David Harris with a 3 year, 21.5 million contract. Harris thought long and hard about joining The Sanchisemaker at Buffalo but ultimately, the Jets paid him roughly 2 times his market worth and he remained a loyal soldier. If you’re going to lose to the Patriots, being paid well and living in the Big Apple sure beats Buffalo and pictures of Michelle’s feet in team meetings. Mind you, not even MacGyver could patchwork the **** behind Harris. It’s a truly deplorable unit, one that adequately represents the historic excellence of Jets football.
Defensive Back
The Patriots Super Bowl winning Cornerback formerly known as Darrelle and Octodad, Mcgarnacle decided his blueprint to best the 2015 Patriots was to return the 2010 Jets. Not only that, but Shooter McGavin paid a premium to do so by offering the sell-sword QB money and Child Support $700,000 per child per year. This unit appears to be much improved, especially in sub-packages, if you can overlook the simple fact that the starters will be joining Max and John in Wabasha in the not too distant future.
Special Teams
They have some guys who play Special Teams.
Projected Starters
QB Ryan Fitzpatrick
RB Chris Ivory
WR Brandon Marshall, Eric Decker, Jeremy Kerley
TE Jeff Cumberland
OL D’Brickashaw Ferguson, James Carpenter, Nick Mangold, Willie Colon, Breno Giacomini
DL Muhammad Wilkerson, Damon Harrison, Leonard Williams
LB Quinton Coples, Demario Davis, David Harris, Calvin Pace
DB Darrelle Revis, Antonio Cromartie, Calvin Pryor, Marcus Gilchrist
KI Nick Folk
PU Ryan Quigley
PR Jeremy Kerley
KR Chris Owusu
LS Tanner Purdum
Season Outlook
As their 389-464 win-loss record dictates, historically, the Jets are proven losers. Coming off a fruitful 4-12 season, the Jets appear primed and ready to conquer the next decade of NFL Drafts.
