I Don't Like My Melting Body
When people lose a lot of weight, everyone gushes. Everyone admires and applauds and expects us to talk about how great we feel and how much happier we are. And that's reasonable. I mean, losing a lot of weight really does improve your quality of life in most cases. [........] But no one likes to hear the negative stuff. When you lose a lot of weight, you're not supposed to complain about it, or talk about the parts you don't like. It's almost like if you say something negative you are ungrateful for the chance you have to be thinner. Hey, I've felt that way before myself. When I weighed 250+ pounds and I'd see people blogging about how much they hated their hip fat at 175 pounds, I'd roll my eyes and think, "I would KILL to have your hip fat! Wanna trade?" But really, how we feel is how we feel. And *not liking* something about the process does not negate the huge relief, gratitude and happiness I have that I have lost this weight.
My body used to be way too large. I hated how I looked and felt. My knees were hurting ALL the time even up until about 10 pounds ago. When I weighed 278 pounds, my skin was tight. When I'd run my hands over my body it felt very curvy and soft yet firm. Every curve had density to it. I felt solid.
Now, my body is more than 90 pounds lighter. The flesh is deflated, and the curves, while still there, are no longer firm with tight skin. People talk about "loose skin" after weight loss, but I am finding it is more like the flesh that is there is really squishy and not at all firm. The skin IS different... not smooth on my thighs by any means. It's like you inflated a large balloon to capacity, left it that way for ten years, and then left half the air out. Can you picture the surface? Kind of wrinkly? Not "loose" but different. It still covers the air in the balloon, but it is not smooth and firm when you run your hands over it anymore.
I don't like my melting body. I don't like the skin being wrinkly in places and the deflated feeling of my fat. I don't like that I can poke with my finger and it goes in two inches because the fat is so loose and mushy. I don't like that when I put on my underwear, which fit perfectly and are not tight at all, they dent into my fat a good inch or more because that fat is so soft and squishy. I don't like that my upper arm fat sways in the breeze if I reach for something, or that I have a patch of wrinkly skin appearing under my jawline. I absolutely do not like the sensation that I am melting, with my flesh dripping down like wax off a hot candle. My body is not the right shape anymore. It feels like someone should take a spatula and scrape up the oozing frosting and get rid of the drips. I do not like it at all.
