This is insanity. Frickin' Alaska gets Pats v. Jags at 9 am, and what do I get? Here is what CBS is showing in my area:
1 PM: Happy Holidays America! Celebrity activities during the holiday season.
2 PM: Hollywood Christmas Celebration A Yuletide extravaganza at the Grove in Los Angeles
3 PM: Infomercial
3:30 PM: Another Infomercial
4 PM: Bengals v. Broncos
Apparently CBS thought that their ****ty little powderpuff football game between two insignificant playoff-caliber AFC teams could not possibly matchup against Fox's game-of-the-century Bears v. Lions 1 PM singleheader, which I'm sure is bound to a multiple overtime game, provided Rex Grossman spontaneously combusts during pregame stretching and takes out all the other quarterbacks on Chicago's roster when he blows.
Kitna will then lead the Lions to three field goals and two touchdowns, every score but one of which will come off a turnover, but Devin Hester and Nathan Vasher will combine to return 3 interceptions, punts and/or field goals for touchdowns, and at least one Lions' punt snap will sail out the back of the end zone for a safety. Things will just be getting interesting in the third overtime when after each Kitna sack, a noticeably drunk Joe Cullen removes another piece of clothing, only for pandemonium to ensue when Tank Johnson shows up at the game in possession of an actual tank, which will later be determined to be unlicensed. Later on, Chris Berman will salute the ferocity with which Tank Johnson's tank rolled over a helpless Lions' offensive line, Bears defensive line, back judge, and head umpire as he went rumblin', stumblin' down the field into the endzone with the deflated football stuck in the left tank tread. But the climax of Jacked Up! will occur when Tank Johnson swivels his turret 180 degrees - WHOOP! - and fires a salvo of AP ammo into the owner's box at Ford Field, instantly killing William Clay Ford and further entrenching Matt Millen into his position, by buring him under 30 tons of rubble. Rescue crews will extract Millen just in time for draft day, when he will emerge and, finding no suitable first pick wide receiver on the board, will declare winter in effect for another six weeks and return to his burrow.
[I was tempted to say SD d. SEA, but I don't want to jinx things. *contemplates staring at Keegs, but decides the risk of blindness isn't worth it* ]
