Too many worthy guys to proclaim a #1, but this thread is criminally incomplete without Sam Kinison and Eddie Murphy. I think people have forgotten how funny Murphy was in standup. Lots of bad movies will do that.
I agree with this after number one....To me Carlin was just so good...he could do it all, the Dirty, the weird, the way he made fun of the english language, His cracks on Religion, The many long songs he would make that made fun of a topic (the advertising lulaby, the modern man), he could give you weird face or bounce around the stage and make you laugh, the list goes on and on as far as how many different ways he could get a laugh.
Just some examples of his greatness -
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity”
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”
“"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”
“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”
"This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out.'"
"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."
I'm a modern man...
I'm a modern man
A man for the millennium
Digital and smoke free
A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect
I've been uplinked and downloaded
I've been inputted and outsourced
I know the upside of downsizing
I know the downside of upgrading
I'm a high tech lowlife
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond
I'm new wave but I'm old school
And my inner child is outward bound
I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer
Voice activated and biodegradable
I interface from a database
And my database is in cyberspace
So I'm interactive
I'm hyperactive
And from time-to-time
I'm radioactive
Behind the eight ball
Ahead of the curve
Riding the wave
Dodging a bullet
Pushing the envelope
I'm on point
On task
On message
And off drugs
I got no need for coke and speed
I got no urge to binge and purge
I'm in the moment
On the edge
Over the top
But under the radar
A high concept
Low profile
Medium range ballistic missionary
A street-wise smart bomb
A top gun bottom feeder
I wear power ties
I tell power lies
I take power naps
I run victory laps
I'm a totally ongoing big foot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach
A raging workaholic
A working rageaholic
Out of rehab
And in denial
I got a personal trainer
A personal shopper
A personal assistant
And a personal agenda
You can't shut me up
You can't dumb me down
'Cause I'm tireless
And I'm wireless
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers
I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever
Laid back but fashion forward
Up front
Down home
Low rent
High maintenance
Super size
Long lasting
High definition
Fast acting
Oven ready
And built to last
I'm a hands on
Footloose
Knee jerk
Head case
Prematurely post-traumatic
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail
But I'm feeling
I'm caring
I'm healing
I'm sharing
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver
My output is down
But my income is up
I take a short position on the long bond
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow
I read junk mail
I eat junk food
I buy junk bonds
I watch trash sports
I'm gender specific
Capital intensive
User friendly
And lactose intolerant
I like rough sex...
I like rough sex
I like tough love
I use the f word in my email
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn
I bought a microwave at a mini mall
I bought a mini van in a mega store
I eat fast food in the slow lane
I'm toll free
Bite sized
Ready to wear
And I come in all sizes
A fully equipped
Factory authorized
Hospital tested
Clinically proven
Scientifically formulated medical miracle
I've been pre-washed
Pre-cooked
Pre-heated
Pre-screened
Pre-approved
Pre-packaged
Post-dated
Freeze-dried
Double-wrapped
Vacuum-packed
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity
I'm a rude dude
But I'm the real deal
Lean and mean
****ed, locked and ready to rock
Rough tough and hard to bluff
I take it slow
I go with the flow
I ride with the tide
I got glide in my stride
Drivin' and movin'
Sailin' and spinnin'
Jivin' and groovin'
Wailin' and winnin'
I don't snooze
So I don't lose
I keep the pedal to the metal
And the rubber on the road
I party hearty
And lunch time is crunch time
I'm hanging in
There ain't no doubt
And I'm hanging tough
Over and out
