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Once again, I present the annual Ignoramous Draft Roundup. This year, let's clear this up up-front: SATIRE people, SATIRE. Moving along...
Rd. 1, Pick 27. Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers. Okay Bill, I have said this for every one of the nine years that I have been a Patriots fan, since jumping the bandwagon on the last play of Super Bowl XXXVI: Stop drafting short corners. You keep doing it. Also McCourty excels at special teams and he’s smart. What are you thinking? It’s like the Pats are committed to their own draft strategy no matter how loudly I yell at my mom’s TV. Oh yeah and by the way, what’s with the theatrics, netting a higher 4th round pick and a 3rd round pick on the way down? Any draftnik can tell you nobody you draft after round 2 will ever play a down, except flukes like Julian Edelmann, Steve Gotskowski, Nick Kaczur, Ellis Hobbs, Matt Cassel, Dan Klecko, Asante Samuel, Dan Koppen, Tully Banta-Cain, Jarvis Green, David Givens, and that QB that backed up Brian Griese, something Brady. And don’t even talk to me about Kenyatta Jones, the only man ever to play that wasn’t even the best Kenyatta in his draft class. Grade = F.
Rd. 2, Pick 42. Rod Gronkowski, TE, Arizona. The sun rises in the East, Republicans say “No,” and Bill Belichick drafts a TE. This time, he drafts one high, packaging the 44 pick and some other crap to pick a guy who definitely looks like he should be called Gronk. Everybody wants a playmaker. Everybody says he’s a playmaker. News flash: in NE, Gronk will be lucky to catch a cold. He’s going to beat people up on edge rushes and screens and catch 30 balls a year. But 6’6, 264 pounds is a good size to pop safeties, cornerbacks, and linebackers that get in the way of a weak I power toss. Of course every other team in the league passed him up, some of them twice, so I detest this pick. Grade = D.
Rd. 2, Pick 53. Jermaine Cunningham, DE, Florida. In New England, DE is slang for OLB, and they finally drafted one. From Florida. Where Urban Meyers works. See, Sergio Kindle wasn’t from Florida. Well, at least they addressed my binkie position pick, even if they didn’t pick my draft day binkie. Grade = C.
Rd. 2, Pick 62. Brandon Spikes, LB, Florida. In New England, MLB is slang for ILB. Coincidentally, the modern Hebrew word for “headlight” is “SILB,” because you form the masculine plural by adding “-im” to the end of a word, and the first carton of headlights the Israelis got was labeled “Sealbeam” – “silbim.” Also supposedly coincidentally, Belichick picks another Florida product, and legally changes his name to Suburban Meyer. Is there any way we can still get Chad Jackson back? I don’t believe in coincidence, and it can’t be that 2 straight Florida products were the best possible choices in their respective spots. Also we didn’t get any extra Tates, so if our 1 Tate goes down, we’re fresh out. We’re too thin at Tate and need to shore up the position. We get our first round pick and our three second round picks in different places, and add two threes and a four. Typical. Grade = Gimel
Rd. 3, Pick 89. Nofreakinbody. Traded into 2011, which isn't now, and I want more drafting now. Sure it's an extra 2 in 2011, and probably a way higher 2 than the 3 we gave up. BIG FREAKIN DEAL. I paid $4.95 on my goddam Comcast bill to have a sports package and watch the draft and I'll be GOD damned if I'm doing it again in 2011 just to see us trade it for a 1 in 2012. Grade = F.
Rd. 3, Pick 90. Taylor Price, WR, Ohio. Just so on MNF he can introduce himself as "Taylor Price, Wide Receiver. AN Ohio state university." Explodes off the line, decent size (6'0), not 112 years old, makes acrobatic catches. Not so good at selling fakes and blocking, and we can't have that. "Don't give me a wide receiver who can't block - what am I going to do with him?" All the receivers picked ahead of him were better because they were drafted higher, and we should have used an earlier pick on one of them. Grade = C.
And that concludes Day One of the Rolling Ignoramous Draft Roundup... check back for the other 10 days of Draftmas or whatever the hell the NFL set up this year, still to come!
Rd. 1, Pick 27. Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers. Okay Bill, I have said this for every one of the nine years that I have been a Patriots fan, since jumping the bandwagon on the last play of Super Bowl XXXVI: Stop drafting short corners. You keep doing it. Also McCourty excels at special teams and he’s smart. What are you thinking? It’s like the Pats are committed to their own draft strategy no matter how loudly I yell at my mom’s TV. Oh yeah and by the way, what’s with the theatrics, netting a higher 4th round pick and a 3rd round pick on the way down? Any draftnik can tell you nobody you draft after round 2 will ever play a down, except flukes like Julian Edelmann, Steve Gotskowski, Nick Kaczur, Ellis Hobbs, Matt Cassel, Dan Klecko, Asante Samuel, Dan Koppen, Tully Banta-Cain, Jarvis Green, David Givens, and that QB that backed up Brian Griese, something Brady. And don’t even talk to me about Kenyatta Jones, the only man ever to play that wasn’t even the best Kenyatta in his draft class. Grade = F.
Rd. 2, Pick 42. Rod Gronkowski, TE, Arizona. The sun rises in the East, Republicans say “No,” and Bill Belichick drafts a TE. This time, he drafts one high, packaging the 44 pick and some other crap to pick a guy who definitely looks like he should be called Gronk. Everybody wants a playmaker. Everybody says he’s a playmaker. News flash: in NE, Gronk will be lucky to catch a cold. He’s going to beat people up on edge rushes and screens and catch 30 balls a year. But 6’6, 264 pounds is a good size to pop safeties, cornerbacks, and linebackers that get in the way of a weak I power toss. Of course every other team in the league passed him up, some of them twice, so I detest this pick. Grade = D.
Rd. 2, Pick 53. Jermaine Cunningham, DE, Florida. In New England, DE is slang for OLB, and they finally drafted one. From Florida. Where Urban Meyers works. See, Sergio Kindle wasn’t from Florida. Well, at least they addressed my binkie position pick, even if they didn’t pick my draft day binkie. Grade = C.
Rd. 2, Pick 62. Brandon Spikes, LB, Florida. In New England, MLB is slang for ILB. Coincidentally, the modern Hebrew word for “headlight” is “SILB,” because you form the masculine plural by adding “-im” to the end of a word, and the first carton of headlights the Israelis got was labeled “Sealbeam” – “silbim.” Also supposedly coincidentally, Belichick picks another Florida product, and legally changes his name to Suburban Meyer. Is there any way we can still get Chad Jackson back? I don’t believe in coincidence, and it can’t be that 2 straight Florida products were the best possible choices in their respective spots. Also we didn’t get any extra Tates, so if our 1 Tate goes down, we’re fresh out. We’re too thin at Tate and need to shore up the position. We get our first round pick and our three second round picks in different places, and add two threes and a four. Typical. Grade = Gimel
Rd. 3, Pick 89. Nofreakinbody. Traded into 2011, which isn't now, and I want more drafting now. Sure it's an extra 2 in 2011, and probably a way higher 2 than the 3 we gave up. BIG FREAKIN DEAL. I paid $4.95 on my goddam Comcast bill to have a sports package and watch the draft and I'll be GOD damned if I'm doing it again in 2011 just to see us trade it for a 1 in 2012. Grade = F.
Rd. 3, Pick 90. Taylor Price, WR, Ohio. Just so on MNF he can introduce himself as "Taylor Price, Wide Receiver. AN Ohio state university." Explodes off the line, decent size (6'0), not 112 years old, makes acrobatic catches. Not so good at selling fakes and blocking, and we can't have that. "Don't give me a wide receiver who can't block - what am I going to do with him?" All the receivers picked ahead of him were better because they were drafted higher, and we should have used an earlier pick on one of them. Grade = C.
And that concludes Day One of the Rolling Ignoramous Draft Roundup... check back for the other 10 days of Draftmas or whatever the hell the NFL set up this year, still to come!
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