11-27-2010, 03:41 PM
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#1
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In the Starting Line-up
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: stuck at work
Posts: 2,730
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What NOT to get the wife/girlfriend for Christmas!
And there is no "demo" mode! 
Quote:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.. ...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
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