Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

Maybe this thread won't get the mod squad's panties in a wad...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard a good joke lately?

dalero

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where Satan is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here says Satan,you're on my list and have to stay here but I'm out of room. Tell you what. I have three people here that weren't quite as bad as you.I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide.

George thought it sounded fair and agreed.
Satan opened the first room and in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water.He kept resurfacing over and over gasping for air. No way hollers George. I can barely swim, there's no way I can do that day in and out.

Satan opens the second door where Tony Blair is pounding huge rocks with an incredibly huge hammer only to have the pile reappear after he finished. George says with my bum shoulder I'd never be able to do this.

Satan opens the third door and George sees Bill Clinton stark naked With his hands and feet staked firmly to the ground. Monica is bent over him doing what she does best. George says hmmm, you know what Satan, I think I can live with this. Satan declares DONE DEAL!! Monica get your things, your leaving.

Note: I'm an atheist and non political so save your rants it's just a joke.

dalero

How Yodeling Was Invented


Way back in the year whatever a traveler was exploring the Alps. After many days of hiking he came upon a small dwelling. He knocks on the door and the man of the house appears. He explains how long he's been traveling and would appreciate a warm dry place to sleep for the night. The farmer tells him that he's welcome to stay out in his back building as it's cozy and plenty of dry hay to make a bed. The traveler graciously accepts. When the farmers wife comes in from her washing her husband tells her about their guest. She says oh my, the poor man must be starving. I have some old bread and cheese that I'll bring out to him. Fortyfive minutes later the wife returns to the house with a rumpled dress, straw in her hair and a suppressed smile. Her daughter asks her where she's been. She explains that she just brought food to a starving guest. The daughter thinks to herself that this poor guy could use something to drink. She grabs a bottle of their homemade wine and heads out to the shack. Fortyfive minutes later she returns with a rumpled dress,hair full of straw, and a wide grin. The next morning the farmer awakes to his daughters bellowing cry. He runs out and asks her what's the matter. She tells him that The traveler promised to stay with her forever, took her virtue and now he's gone! The farmer is infuriated. Spying the mountainside he spots the traveler already half way up the mountain.
"You SOB" the farmer screams at him. "You take my daughters virginity and run off,I'll get you!!Hearing this the traveler looks down on him, cups his hands to his mouth and bellows....













ILAIDTHEOLDLADYTOOOOOOO

gomezcat

. Great joke!

__________________
The blog of our recent trip to The States (September and October 2012):


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

Bubba

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

The Nun and Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

The Most Functional English Word THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's ***** ... that's right, *****!
***** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get *****-faced, Be *****-out-of-luck, Or have ***** for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your ***** together, find a place for your *****, or be asked to ***** or get off the pot.

You can smoke *****, buy *****, sell *****, lose *****, find *****, forget *****, and tell others to eat *****.

Some people know their *****, while others can't tell the difference between ***** and shineola.

There are lucky *****s, dumb *****s, and crazy *****s. There is bull *****, horse *****, and chicken *****.

You can throw *****, sling *****, catch *****, shoot the *****, or duck when the ***** hits the fan.

You can give a ***** or serve ***** on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep ***** or be happier than a pig in *****.

Some days are colder than *****, some days are hotter than *****, and some days are just plain *****ty.

Some music sounds like *****, things can look like *****, and there are times when you feel like *****.

You can have too much *****, not enough *****, the right *****, the wrong ***** or a lot of weird *****.

You can carry *****, have a mountain of *****, or find yourself up ***** creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to ***** and other times you fall in a bucket of ***** and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your *****, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a *****; or not do so if you don't give a *****!

Well, *****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a ***** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of *****. But, if you happened to catch a load of ***** from some *****-head...........
Well, ***** Happens!!!

Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

Taking a woman to bed Taking a woman to bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Terry Glenn is a cowgirl

Gates vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.

fleabassist1

Number 5 is so true.

__________________
GO PATRIOTS!!!!

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.