Greetings, draft friends! I've been away for a while (very busy Christmas season, plus a nasty car crash that I only lived through by the grace of God), but I've slowly read through nearly every thread from the past month in order to get back up to speed on the draft process. While the information is good, I've noticed a bit of tension--some people are a little on edge while discussing their favorite college players or the drafting foibles of one Bill Belichick--so I thought I'd introduce a slightly more insouciant (or is that insolent?) look at the draft.
DISCLAIMER: NOT TO BE TAKEN (TOO) SERIOUSLY
- -=- -
Many people complain about or O-line: It's good at one thing, but not another (of course, the groups are split over which "thing" this one thing actually is). All the starters are too old. All the backups are too raw. We don't get enough of a push--they're not big enough! They don't get out and pull effectively--they're not small and athletic enough! Etc. Well, I propose a solution: A multilateral UN peace keeping force to protect President Brady!
Observe: we already have the cornerstone in our future LT, the Teutonic Titan SeaBass. Now all we have to do this year is find similar international players who can fill out our lines with huge and athletic pass-blocking, run-blocking monsters!
Step one, draft LG Mike Iupati, the Samoan Sampson with quick feet and devastating hands. He'll have to get used to his new tackle's German-Texan accent, but at least the accent learning curve goes both ways.
Another well-known international prospect, Haitian Hercules RG Vladimir Ducasse, would slide in nicely on the opposite side. As stated above, he's Haitian, thus transforming this draft choice into a humanitarian pick as it would enable him to funnel his riches back to his decimated homeland (for once I'm actually serious in this post--it's a tragedy what has happened, and we should all get involved and help out).
To round out the right side, we will then draft Bajan Behemoth RT Ramon Harewood, who grew up playing rugby and cricket and other more globally recognized sports, which would, naturally, increase our appeal around the world. At a super-intelligent and ultra-athletic 360 pounds, he would eat ends and linebackers in run-blocking, or maybe just eat them for snack before moving on down the line for the rest of the menu.
Now, I know what you're all thinking. I've missed a spot. Isn't center one of the most important positions on the line? The center has to make all the line calls, and is responsible for initiating the play by snapping the ball--how could I have left him out? The answer, my friends, is simple! Every peace-keeping force needs a leader, and who better to lead the UN of football lines than a good ol' American?! That's right, we'll draft Maurkice Pouncey, center extraordinaire from Florida, and plop him down in the middle of the action, right where Americans belong.
Voila! Problems solved! We will instantly have the biggest, fastest, meanest, most multicultural offensive line in the NFL, all in one draft. And that's not even the best part: on a more symbolic level, we will embody the melting pot spirit of America, where no matter what your background, you're still a Patriot.
- -=- -
Part II coming soon! Stay tuned to hear about the secret of how picking as many players with the same name as possible will transform our team forever! In the meantime, feel free to add your own lighthearted lark to the mix.