Gomezcat's unofficial insult thread

[gomezcat]

Originally Posted by PatsFanInVa

Sorry, how exactly does Britain fight an insult war?

Is that more the variety of war in which we kick your sorry red-coated hindparts, or the variety in which we save said hindparts (though no longer red-coated,) from Germany, or, as a change of pace, from Germany again?

It would be most handy to know, from the perspective of our own admittedly flawed culture, which still enjoys superpower status somehow, is not run by horse-stealing hemophiliacs, and understands that there is no "i" in the last syllable of "Aluminum."

PFnV

PS, you invented cricket, a professional sport which takes a week, and makes baseball look like the "lightning round" of a cage fighting championship by comparison. I'm not sure I've ever watched another professional sport in which there are timeouts for changing your sweater.

PPS, Innnnnnn 1814 we took a little trip, along with General Jackson down the mighty Mississip. We took a little bacon and we took a little beans, and we fought the bloody British in the town of New Orleans...

. I agree with Wistah. That was one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time. The bit about timeouts for changing sweaters really had me laughing.

You're still American, though, and I'm not. Ner ner ner ner ner ner

As for the second World War, well, erm, we had just, erm, kicked Hitler's arse in the Battle of Britain (thank ****** he didn't attack the airfields) and we were a week away from taking back Europe. Er, um, yeah.... But thanks for coming along for the ride. Your support helped us win a little bit more quickly.

BTW, I was surfing nfluk.com for ticket information for the Giants-Dolphins game to be played in London. This thread is a gem:
http://www.nfluk.com/usersession_new...23852;start=30

#33 is absolutely hilarious.

[PatsFanInVa]

I do have to give your boy props on his tourist-confusing piece. I have to say, though, most of the complaints about Americans seem to be that we shout when we talk (in our American accents) to family, friends, etc.

What you're not getting (in this particular context,) is you're seeing the behavior of the traveling class of Americans. We get louder as you move down the class spectrum, as a general rule. At the top of the decibel spectrum and the bottom of the class spectrum are the Great American Land Lungfish. Reducing ticket prices in a given NFL stadium usually results in better defensive statistics, as one's home crowd noise quotient skyrockets. But it's not worth the tradeoffs after the game.

I've tried shouting "Inside Voices!" at these guys at watering holes, fully expecting to have to run for my life at some point afterwards. They just nod enthusiastically and shout back "Yeah I got them too!"

PFnV

[gomezcat]

Originally Posted by PatsFanInVa

I do have to give your boy props on his tourist-confusing piece. I have to say, though, most of the complaints about Americans seem to be that we shout when we talk (in our American accents) to family, friends, etc.

What you're not getting (in this particular context,) is you're seeing the behavior of the traveling class of Americans. We get louder as you move down the class spectrum, as a general rule. At the top of the decibel spectrum and the bottom of the class spectrum are the Great American Land Lungfish. Reducing ticket prices in a given NFL stadium usually results in better defensive statistics, as one's home crowd noise quotient skyrockets. But it's not worth the tradeoffs after the game.

I've tried shouting "Inside Voices!" at these guys at watering holes, fully expecting to have to run for my life at some point afterwards. They just nod enthusiastically and shout back "Yeah I got them too!"

PFnV

The travelling classes argument is a very good one. As with all nationalities, I have met plenty of Americans who go out of their way to be unobtrusive.
When I was in Vienna in 1992-93, as part of my German degree, I met some students from the various parts of U-Cal or whatever it is called. When we heard Brits or Americans, they were often being obnoxious, loud and patronising. Along with the (generally) English-speaking Austrians, we left them to flounder. We also switched to German pretty quickly.
Also, if you speak to the Spanish or Portuguese, they will tell you how horrible we Brits are.

[PatsFanInVa]

But back to that great lot of inbred bleeders you call a "royal family." They seem to specialize in divorcing themselves from regal behavior, although if you think about it, divorce is, in fact, an extension of regal behavior for them, having founded a church on the notion that if you're really fond of a wife, you shouldn't cut her head off (the usual treatment for a spouse in British royal society at the time.)

But I digress... the subject is really the current royal family, starting with a queen who, far from beheading a spouse, is content with offing a princess. Her spouse -- oh why be so clinical, we'll just say her wife, -- is a professional cipher one calls the "prince consort," if I remember correctly, which is British for "*****."

First in line for the throne is a nattering goober whose face is proof that the royalty's fondness for horses eventually crossed over into interspecies affairs, and whose only semblance of power is the ability to menacingly brandish his distorted half-in, half-out smile at press photographers, and announce "let's go riding, Wilburrrrrr!"

Let's be clear on bonny prince Charlie: he'll never be king. This is a guy who told his mistress he wanted to be her tampon. You don't announce your earthly estate -- you know, first in line to monarchy over England -- to compare unfavorably to the life of a tampon, and move up. It's just not a resume builder. Although I have to say, that would be freakin brilliant on a resume, one line where it says "experience", and you put "future King of Freaking England...."

But getting back to the point - this is why Liz keeps holding on so long. She knows the moment he gets his fish-gripping little paw on the sceptre, the British Isles are done for. I mean, even moreso. For this reason alone, she has been hanging on by sheer force of will, and will continue to for as many decades as it takes to keep Charles out of the mix. She'll do this until she's a pickled head in a jar attached to a mechanically waving hand to keep him off the throne. Oh wait. She may have had this done already...

Of course, the kids are not much better, particularly the halloween nazi one. But I don't want to dwell on the Royals too much. It's not like every lazily drawling, "A" mispronouncing, cricket-watching, empire-losing, A-bomb borrowing booze hound is in the royal family. Most of you are in what an American would call a sub-code apartment without dependable hot water or adequate sanitation, wondering why there's blood in your stool, flu in your turkey, and demented grins on the faces of all the cows in your country, whether sitting on the barstool next to you or standing in a field 20 miles -- that is, half the country -- away.

Speaking of "half the country away," when are you guys planning to drop the "United Kingdom" routine? I mean, losing the overseas possessions was a bite in the bag, but now you're totally out of hand. I'm not talking about Ireland, where your style of control has been to bravely and aggressively run from things blowing up. I mean Scotland and Wales, where nothing is blowing up anyway, except British claim to sovereignty. The whole British flag looks like an asterisk anyway, and it looks like you'd better just cut it down to a plus sign like Switzerland.

I can understand not being in charge of an empire, or even not being able to hold onto one lousy island next door, but you guys can't even run one whole island anymore. People miscalculate the population of India or China, and your entire population is within their margin of error. They miss the population of a country by the size your population...

But that empire was something, back in the day. Back when you had the English Channel to keep the swarthy people on the other side where they belonged, so you could go over real bodies of water and knock off even swarthier people. Trouble is, all the swarthy people realized they too could take boats and planes, and so there you are, Britain, wishing you could assimilate non-marble-mouthed populations like the U.S. can, but knowing better.

In conclusion, Gomezcat, it's no wonder you prefer to come over here, name yourself for an American movie, and read about a sport invented in America, honed for only this last century or so, and still -- you know in your heart it's true, so don't bother denying it -- still, clearly superior to everything there is to offer in what we generously term your "country." You've become Airstrip One, as Orwell named you, so purely an American satellite, I could set up a dish and receive NFL Sunday Ticket from you.

As vassal states go, though, you do have charming accents.

PFnV

[Harry Boy]

Originally Posted by gomezcat

You're just jealous, asshat.

I hope you know I'm "Joshing", used to have a lot of relatives in "Ramsgate"

[PatsFanInVa]

Originally Posted by gomezcat

The travelling classes argument is a very good one. As with all nationalities, I have met plenty of Americans who go out of their way to be unobtrusive.
When I was in Vienna in 1992-93, as part of my German degree, I met some students from the various parts of U-Cal or whatever it is called. When we heard Brits or Americans, they were often being obnoxious, loud and patronising. Along with the (generally) English-speaking Austrians, we left them to flounder. We also switched to German pretty quickly.
Also, if you speak to the Spanish or Portuguese, they will tell you how horrible we Brits are.

Sorry, I didn't mean to say most of us are quieter than those who can jet over oceans to scream. I meant to say most of us are louder. (I myself, unfortunately, am more of a demented mutterer, as it happens.)

PFnV

[PatsFanInVa]

G-Cat, no hard feelings and all, but I was kind of hoping this war would be more of a stiff-upper-lip effort on your part. Are you sure you're not just a little bit French too?

[gomezcat]

Originally Posted by PatsFanInVa

G-Cat, no hard feelings and all, but I was kind of hoping this war would be more of a stiff-upper-lip effort on your part. Are you sure you're not just a little bit French too?

WTF DID YOU CALL ME? YOU USED THE F WORD!!!!

[PatsFanInVa]

LOLOL... "and your grandmahzair smells of elderberries..."

[JLC]

...We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin' on
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico...

French... French... French... French... French... French... French... French...