Zeus

In the interests of saving everyone the trouble of looking at all of this nonsense, here's a preview of what's to come ....

ESPN announces the launch of ESPN III, hosted by Trey Wingo, devoted exclusively to coverage of Spygate. Wingo will continue to solicit opinions about Spygate as to what could have happened and what it all means. This week, Wingo will interview Amy Winehouse, retired former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, PeeWee Herman, and former Secretary-General of the United Nations Boutros Boutros-Ghali, who says that "antipathy toward the Patriots runs deep within the UN General Assembly."

Senator Arlen Spector calls on the Bush administration to redeploy troops from Iraq to Foxboro. "I think the American people have the right to know what's going on up there" said Spector. In addition to unauthorized video surveillance, the Pennsylvania Senator believes the Patriots are involved in a number of illegal activities including polygamy, cloning, stem cell research and animal vivisection. Said Spector "Football is good and conspiracies are evil. Americans have a right to know if the extra point is good or not. "

The Environmental Protection Agency continues to investigate the leak of a highly toxic, psychoactive chemical at the offices/studios of ESPN in Bristol, CT. The leak reportedly took place during the ESPN coverage of Matt Walsh's visit to NFL Headquarters lon May 13. An EPA spokesman declined to identify the substance but said that it is known to cause "hallucinations, hysteria and madness." While ESPN denies that its broadcasters were exposed, an anonymous source disclosed that "it's gotten pretty weird around here. It's tough to tell with Schlereth and Carter, because they were hinky to begin with, but Trey Wingo's gone completely around the bend. I mean, when's he's not on the air caterwauling about the Patriots, he's behind the building standing next to the dumpster with Dan Patrick. They're sharing a pipe and chanting ....kill Bill ...kill Bill ... over and over again. Its really creepy."

PFT's Mike Florio reports that Matt Walsh has more dirt on the Patriots. Walsh is telling friends that he "knows a guy who once dated a girl who was the ex-fiancee of a guy who is the second cousin of someone who was on the Bengals' practice squad in 2000 who heard from one of the ball boys that not only was New England using players on injured reserve to buy sandwiches for the coaches, but also that Belichick likes to go baby seal hunting with assault rifles." NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he intends to discuss this with Walsh during their upcoming golf vacation. "Matty's a great guy," said Goodell. "He's going to work with me on my golf swing and he's been a great asset to me in trying to ream out that mother#@&^$% Belichick. God, I hate that evil %#@&."

ESPN investigative reporter Mike Fish has been nominated for the prestigious Joseph McCarthy Award for Excellence in Current Affairs Speculative Fiction for his coverage of Spygate. Said Fish, "I've never gotten a trophy for anything so this would be really cool." Fish acknowledged that his work to date on Spygate is entirely based on "rumor, speculation, innuendo and, yes, even some fantasy." He does intend to press on with the investigation. "I don't think any of us will be satisfied until we have something factual to report."

Gregg Easterbrook also intends to continue his investigation into far reaching allegations against the New England Franchise and Coach Bill Belichick. Said Easterbrook "Football is good and conspiracies are evil. Americans have a right to know if the extra point is good or not. " Easterbrook declined to elaborate other than to say that he is looking into Belchick's role in the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in 1914 and the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby in 1932." Easterbrook also has been told that New England has been conducting mind control experiments. "There's a lot more yet to come out" says Easterbrook who feels that a one year suspension of Coach Belichick is the least the league should do. "If I were NFL commissioner, I'd deport the entire Patriots organization to Israel where they belong."

Mogamedogz

Sicilian

Great stuff!

I'm laughing now, but there's this part of me worried about how many of those things will actually end up happening

PaulRevere

"I'm laughing now, but there's this part of me worried about how many of those things will actually end up happening "



Nobody believed Nostradamus either and look at his record now.

SVN

you should send this to all the mediots-PFT,dan patrick , ESPN. maybe they will see the funny side of it.

Sicilian

Well, first off, I'm of the camp that says you can twist any "prediction" as vague as Nostradamus' Quatrains to show they were accurate AFTER the fact...

But in spirit, that's exactly what I mean. When ESPN 3, "The Trinity" is announced next month, I won't be laughing at the satire of this post anymore.

Zeke_Mowatt

Brilliantly written, hilarious!

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PaulRevere

I almost expect ESPN to lead with "Unconfirmed reports out of Patriot Nation have fans more upset!! Does Matt Walsh have additional evidence of cheating?!?"

I mean, jeez there's a post up referencing a fictional story from The Onion as reality.

spacecrime

Actually, Nostrodamus has yet to predict anything BEFORE it happens.

After something happens, then people go back and say, "Look Nostradamus predicted this."