Sources: Belichick Might Be Witch
(INDIANAPOLIS) - Sources speaking on condition of anonymity and immunity say New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, already under siege for taping other teams in ways other than the ways you're supposed to tape them, may also be a witch.
"It's possible that he is in league with the Forces of Evil," one league personnel director said, adding, "It is not impossible that he was born to a woman with eyes of two different colors, in a year when all the crops failed, and was in fact named Ba'al Belichick at birth."
"If I were named Ba'al Belichick," added another league insider who refused to be named, "I would change my name to Bill too."
Senator Arlen Sphincter noted that both scenarios seemed plausible, and should be examined under oath by the United States Senate.
"I think it's on the National Football League to prove that Bill Belichick is not a witch," the Senator opined, between stints in "the barrel," a traditional entertainment in the Comcast Hospitality Tent.
"If any of you have witnessed the ravings of Bill Polian in years past," Sphincter continued, "You would realize he'd been driven mad by Belichick, probably as the result of a spell involving use of some of his nail clippings or hair, and of course, a book of ancient satanic lore the Belichick still has not proven he does not have."
"All I'm saying is the American people have a right to know if Belichick was at any time chanting backward in Latin, and if so, for what purpose."
A former assistant from the New England Patriots staff, who said "what the hell I was the Incantations Assistant," confirmed that Belichick might be chanting backwards in Latin. Furthermore, the Pats' ex-I.A. said, a black cat had been seen on numerous occasions on the streets of Foxborough, Mass.
"Salem wasn't that far from where we played and practiced," the I.A. said. "I'll let you connect the dots."
Sources who know Senator Sphincter from watching him on TV say that it would be in keeping for the Senator to throw Belichick into a frozen pond with his arms and legs bound.
"If indeed Belichick is a witch," reasoned the source, "it should be obvious by his ability to float, and therefore defeat the measure. If he dies, he is innocent, and if he lives he is guilty, and would be burned, in such a scenario."
"Huh," said Sphincter, in response to the source's speculative approach.
Sources have not ruled out that Belichick has fled to Mexico or will soon fake his own death, nor could sources find any way to prove that Belichick never travelled back in time to commit a string of murders attributed to "The Boston Strangler." Although Global Warming has not been definitively linked to Belichick, "the jury is still out," according to unnamed sources.
Last edited by PatsFanInVa; 02-22-2008 at 11:19 AM..