Second Team and Threatening Starter's Job
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Finnair flight AY 839 from Helsinki to London
BB Thursday press conference: full transcript
BB press conference, Thursday am
Q: Coach, how much does what happened with the cameras in week one play into your preparation for Sunday’s game against the Jets?
A: We are preparing for this game as we would every other week. Trying to find a way to win the game.
Thinking: Jeez, here we go again. How many freaking times have these guys been to my press conferences. Have I ever given them any indication I’m going to get into a pissing contest at the podium.
Q: Coach, are you going to try and run up the score to avenge the Spygate controversy.
A: We’re just trying to win a game here.
Are you freaking kidding me. I was gonna run up the score anyway, teach the conniving, back-stabbing arrogant little pissant a lesson, never mind the freaking spying thing. Hey we put 56 on the Bills, and I like Dick Jauron.
Q: Coach have you noticed a different attitude in training from your players approaching this game.
A: My players train hard every week. This week is no different.
You know what, I’m gonna’ give Randy a day off tomorrow. I want that freak rested and hot for Sunday. Never mind triple coverage. They can put both corners, both safeties, a couple of linebackers, the water boy and the Olympic high jump champion on him and we’re gonna do that throw it up in the air thing in the end zone and get the sucker to out-jump them all. Yeah, that’d be sweet. Do it once in each quarter. Get all this record stuff out of the way before the Dolphins get here.
Q: Coach have you thought about your handshake technique for the post-game.
A: No, I haven’t really thought about that. Just thinking about how to win this game.
Oh boy, give me a break. These guys are so freaking stupid.
Q: Coach, so will you shake Eric’s hand?
A: Anyone got a question about the game?
I’d like to shake his friggin’ neck. Or get Vince to do it. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Get big ol’ number 75 out there as my proxy. Crush the little *****’s hand good and proper.
Q: Coach, what’s the game plan for beating the Jets.?
A: Well, they’re an explosive team. A very good team, I don’t think that’s reflected in their record. We’ll need to be at our best to get the win. But we’re breaking down the tape and we’ll come up with something. But these games are always tough. Local rivalry and what not.
The tape shows the J-E-T-S S-U-C-K. Game plan, shmame plan. Think I might deactivate Hanson. That guy’s played hard these last three weeks – I think he punted twice against Pittsburgh – he could use the rest. That Welker guy can punt if necessary. God what a steal he was. Those shmucks in the Dolphins front office are the only people on this coast dumber than these hacks. Memo to self: have a word with Scott about getting Jason Taylor next year. We can probably get him for a third and that Baker kid. Or maybe send them Cassel and a fifth. Hey maybe we can start with Cassel next week and show them just what they could have. Yeah, that’s the way to go. Give Tom the week off next week – that right shoulder injury’s really hurting him, ha ha ha – get Cassel in there. Five TDs, 470 yards. We’ll have them begging us for him.
Q: Coach, what influence do you think the weather will have this weekend?
A: Game time conditions always have an impact. We’re prepared for that. The sc, er Jets will be too.
You know what, I’m gonna get Stephen one of those cool puffer jackets they gave me last weekend. That was pretty nice. Yeah, maybe get him one for Christmas. Jeez, I need to pick up the dry cleaning too, I’m down to my last six hoodies. Maybe Caserio could go get it for me, he’s not too busy. Ain’t much you can teach Randy about jumping at this stage of his career. We pay that guy way too much. Yeah, he can go and pick up the hoodies. Maybe take Donte with him.
Q: Coach, where do you think the game will be won this weekend?
A: Er, on the field, John. Same as usual.
Who are the niners playing this weekend? Is it Cincinnati or Cleveland. Jeez they’re going to get their asses handed to them again. What a mess. They’ve really let us down. I figured we’d be picking between 16 and 25, get a nice player there, nice value. Suddenly we’re looking at $30 mil guaranteed for some shmuck from Arkansas never played a goddamned down in the league. Jeez those Niners have made a right mess of things. Thank god for the Dolphins, otherwise we’d be up there on the clock before those NY hooligans have even taken their seats in the hall. Shmucks. Memo to self: talk to Scott about trading down. But who’s gonna trade into that slot? Ah, I’ve got it. Get Scott to call Crazy Al’. We haven’t committed daylight robbery on their sorry asses since April. Yeah Crazy Al. Get a pick about 8 or 9, maybe a second, maybe one of those nice corners they have over there. Maybe get Huggy Bear’s kid to back up our running back, what’s his name, the kid from Minnesota. Can never remember his goddamned name.
Q: Coach, how much is the pressure of winning every week and going for the perfect season affecting the locker room?
A: There’s always a lot of pressure in the locker room. We play hard to win every week. This is no different.
Hey maybe I should ask Tom over for Christmas lunch this year. He might bring that hot underwear chick with him. That’d be pretty sweet. Yeah, maybe get Caserio to go get some invitations while he’s out there picking up the hoodies. Maybe have a party. Shame the Beisel kid turned out to be about as useful as a prick in a nunnery. Could have invited him too. Now she was hot that one.
Q: Coach, I’m having a bit of trouble with my math here, what comes after thirteen … (Continues ad nauseam…)
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