A few weeks ago, my wife said to me ?I?ve been able to pick up a shift in the ER on the 10th.?
?Sounds good to me,? I replied. But then I did the math and figured out
that the 10th was a Sunday and I would be watching our two kids, Jake (age
two) and Evelyn (11 months old), by myself on a Patriots Sunday.
I figured I had to stack the deck in my favor if I wanted to have any chance
of watching the game in some semblance of peace. So about 10:00 a.m., I
bundled everyone up and headed outside for some fun in the fresh, sunny,
wintry Maine air. After an hour or so of swinging on the swing set and
having SuperDad pull them around the yard in the sled, the munchkins started
to get the magical ?I?m getting tired? red cheeks. After a nice warm
lunch of macaroni & cheese, the three of us retired to the big bed to see if
I could catch lightning in a bottle for the 1:00 p.m. kickoff.
Well, those of you who have kids know that you just have to go with the flow
and if they sense you tensing up, they?ll react to that. So as the
opening Olindo Mare kickoff sailed through the air, both of them were still
on the north side of a standing eight count.
As the first quarter moved along and it began to look like things weren?t
going to go so well for the local eleven, Jake made his definitive statement
of the afternoon. Shortly after the Daniel Graham fumble deep in New
England territory, Jake voiced his apparent displeasure by going poopie in
his diaper while his dad did it figuratively. ?My sentiments exactly,
son,? I mused.
Shortly thereafter, Jake decided the game wasn?t going so well and went
down for the count for the afternoon. In retrospect, I should have followed
his lead.
In the meantime, Evelyn was doing her best Jason Taylor impression and
smothering herself over me. For a 16-pound girl, she already knows how she
can melt her daddy by falling asleep on his chest.
?Finally, peace and quiet,? I said myself as the second quarter began.
The trouble with Evie falling asleep on top of me is that she is a light
sleeper and wakes up at the drop of hat. This became an issue as the
mediocre second quarter rolled on and I realized that I had to use the john
with increasing urgency. It was one of those cases of being damned if I do,
damned if I don?t. If I try to make a move for the bathroom and she wakes
up, I?m screwed. But if I just try to suck it up, Murphy?s Law would
suggest that the next ad on TV would be for the drug that treats overactive
bladders.
As halftime inched closer, I decided I had no choice but to make my move.
With precision that I haven?t demonstrated since playing the board game
?Operation? as a kid, I moved off the bed while keeping her cradled in
my arms. I won?t go into the details of my performance in front of the
toilet but suffice to say it was a remarkable feat of balance and precision.
Evie and I moved to the living room couch for the second half and I watched
the train wreck unfold in front of my eyes. As maddening as the game was, I
had to have the discipline of a Buddhist monk so as to not wake her up.
There was a time, not too long ago, really when maddening offensive line
play, undisciplined penalties and general hopelessness on the Patriots would
have lead to verbal diatribes galore. Score another one for Miss Eve.
She finally woke up crying as the game got out of hand in the latter part of
the fourth quarter. Again, my kids did the talking for me.
A little bit into the Jet-Bills game, Evie and I went to check in on Jake
and found him in a post-nap haze watching the game on the bedroom TV.
?Worried about the Division too, son?? I asked as I scooped him up to
head back out to the living room.
With the game on in the background, the kids played in the living room and
tossed toys in all directions. Now I got a Fisher Price Little People
Nativity set strewn all over the place instead of beer cans, jalapeno
poppers and chips. The truth is, I have a hard time remembering what my
life was like before they came into it so I?ll happily take the trade off.
As we read through ?The Lady with the Alligator Purse? and ?How Do
Dinosaurs Clean Their Rooms?? I said to them ?At this time of the year,
you?re either getting better or worse and the Pats are getting worse.?
All Jake could muster in response while pointing to a dinosaur with a broom
was a definitive ?a bah.? Perspective, I suppose.
After some dinner and a third-quarter tubbie, it was back to the living room
for a fourth quarter ?Baby Einstein? DVD viewing while the Bills-Jets
game secretly appeared on the little TV across the half-wall in the kitchen.
Halfway through the DVD, Evie crawled her way into the kitchen to see what
was the distraction. As I scooped her up, I tried my best Jedi mind trick
on her and told her there was no critical AFC East showdown going on in the
kitchen. As for her reaction, let?s just say that she must have gotten
her ability to detect my patented line of B.S. from her mother.
Fortunately, the Bills-Jets game broke the right way and Mommy strolled
through the door a short time later.
I?m still trying to figure out whether Sunday was a successful day for
SuperDad. Oh, one last thing. Christy just told me she picked up a shift
on Sunday, January 7th. I?ll let you do the math on that one.
Idle Zinger thoughts while still getting goosebumps every time I hear
Band-Aid?s ?Do They Know It?s Christmas??:
A footnote to this sordid tale is that when I sat down to write this column
Sunday night, my computer acted up. But not to worry. The good folks at
Comdoctor on the Cony Circle in Augusta, Maine once again rose to the
occasion on Monday to save the day. Please show them your appreciation for
their sponsorship of this so-called column. You?ll be glad you did,
especially when you realize that they don?t mind treating you like a human
being, a trait that is in short supply in the computer repair and service
world.
Heading into last weekend?s action, only two teams (Detroit and Oakland)
were eliminated from the playoffs.
Can you name the only player or coach in NFL history who owns six Super Bowl
rings? Thanks to Mike Felger?s column last week, I learned that it is
Patriots (and former Cowboys) Strength and Condition Coach Mike Woicik. You
can win a lot of bar bets armed with this nugget.
How much more Michael Irvin can Tom Jackson be expected to take before he
snaps?
I hope that you caught the ?Ali Rap? program on ESPN the other night.
Since having the good fortune of meeting his 1960 Olympic roommate, Skeeter
McClure, a month or so ago at a boxing banquet in Dorchester I have become
enamored with Ali. What a joke when Michael Jordan was named the greatest
athlete of the 20th century by the ?Worldwide Leader In Sports.? I will
be happy to argue this point with you for as long as you want as I did a
while back with my co-worker who was an unabashed Jordan apologist.
You can have all of the other Christmas party appetizers, I?ll take
scallops wrapped in bacon. Forget pigs in a blanket, that indeed was the
greatest appetizer of the 20th century.
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